


the night we met

by themoongirl



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barista!Sander, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Insomnia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Writer!Robbe, liminal spaces, robbe really can't sleep, two sad boys falling in love, until.......
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:14:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 42,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22189216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoongirl/pseuds/themoongirl
Summary: Robbe Ijzermans has a brain that won't let him sleep, a chest that feels far too heavy and thoughts that never stop.During his first year of college he meets Sander Driesen. Robbe finds what he never went looking for.AKA, a college AU.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 92
Kudos: 532





	1. unspoken

Robbe Ijzermans was entirely too bored.

And frankly, he could not believe he was here again. At a party, much like the ones in high school, only now he could call himself a college student. Robbe Ijzermans - college student. It didn’t sound right. Or real, for that matter.

The sea of drunk people were no different than the sea of drunk people in his hometown. Loud, obnoxious, with the music pounding in his ear drums and the farthest wall at the back his best friend. And his real best friend - Jens Stoffels was chatting up a girl standing very close to him with an empty glass in her hand.

She walked away, her long brown hair flinging behind her as she left. Robbe raised an eyebrow at Jens.

“Nice try,” He said as he took another swig of beer. 

Jens grinned. “She’s gone to get us more drinks. Jens: one. Robbe: zero.”

Robbe rolled his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. It wasn’t that he hated parties, he just always ended up being disappointed. In high school, Jens would ditch to go makeout with some girl, their other friends would make a thousand sketchy comments as they rated the girls at the parties, and Robbe would fake laugh until he found time to sneak out. Unless his parents were in a fight. Then he would fake laugh until Jens was ready to leave and he would go home with him. 

It only made sense that, when they both got accepted to the same college, they would request to be roommates in a tiny cramped dorm together. Now, a week into classes, and the excitement of moving in and touring campus was over, Robbe felt like nothing had changed. 

Robbe really could not believe he was here again.

A shitty party with Jens flirting, Robbe pretending to have a good time, and drunk people. The people were a mix of first years to fourth years. So not only was Robbe feeling very small, he was also slightly intimidated as he attempted to look nonchalant. But not Jens. Jens was taking the entire thing like he had done it a million times before.

The girl was back, double fisting two drinks before she gave one to Jens. She was tall, as tall as Jens, and she looked down at Robbe as she offered her hand. “I’m Jana!” She called over the music.

“Robbe,” He replied, shaking her hand.

“First year as well?” She asked, looking at Jens, then back at him.

Robbe nodded.

“Me too! Come on,” She turned back to Jens. “I want to dance!”

Jana grabbed Jens’ hand and started pulling him towards the dance floor. Jens let himself be tugged but not before looking at Robbe. “You good?”

Robbe waved him off. “Good luck.”

Without Jens, Robbe felt even more awkward. A few people were glancing over at him so he had no choice but to move from his safe place. He made his way over to the bar, gulped down the remainder of his beer, and asked for a shot. 

The bartender handed it to him as Robbe gave him the money, and he felt even more pathetic. He dreaded the bitter taste of the shot but was also desperate to loosen up. As people nudged past him in the crowded space, laughing and talking loudly, Robbe had half a mind to down the drink and ditch the bar entirely. But after finishing the whiskey, he was asking for another one.

A small brunette with a fringe and a septum piercing was watching him from the other side of the bar. Robbe held her gaze before tearing his eyes away. But when he looked back, she was gone. Robbe sighed, hoisting himself up onto one of the bar stools. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to find some clarity in his brain. He wracked through his thoughts, attempting to remember if anyone had ever warned him that college was a complete letdown, but he came up short. 

The last year of high school had been hell. His mom spent half of it at a mental institution and his dad gave up on her and filed for divorce. Robbe’s agitation grew with him every day and continued to. When Jens told him he was applying for a college four hours away from Antwerp, Robbe had liked the sound of _four hours away_ so much that he had applied too.

Leaving his mom was the hardest part, but she was doing better and was currently living with her brother. She was the one who begged him to go and have “the full college experience”. Even the day before Robbe was supposed to drive up with Jens he had debated calling the whole thing off to be with her. But she insisted, and he had already packed, so he left. 

As Robbe stared at the shot that was placed in front of him, the guilt crept back.

“So social,” A female voice was suddenly in his ear. “Taking shots by yourself?”

Robbe spun around. It was the brunette with the fringe. Her lips were red and she had a friendly look on her face. She sat down on the stool beside him, waving the bartender over.

“I’ll have what he has,” She told him, taking her leather jacket off and placing it in her lap.

The girl leaned her elbows on the table and turned her head to look at Robbe. “I’m Noor.”

“Robbe,” He replied as the bartender poured the shot and placed it in front of her.

Noor held up the shot, Robbe mirrored her, and then they downed it. 

Noor barely flinched, so Robbe kept his face straight. She saw right through it, laughing.

“A whiskey guy,” She winked. “Wouldn’t have thought.”

Robbe shrugged, feeling the affects of the alcohol start to hit his system. The guilt was disappearing and his head was feeling very light. The people laughing far too close behind him were suddenly not as annoying, and he didn’t give a damn where Jens was. He didn’t give a damn if Jens and Jana were kissing. He didn’t care at all.

He turned his attention back to Noor. She was, truly, very pretty. Robbe could at least recognize that. 

“What do you study?” He asked her after she had told the bartender to get them two more shots.

“Visual arts,” She told him, her eyes twinkling. “I’m second year, you?”

“First,” He replied. “Studying writing for now, but, I don’t know.”

“You have time, don’t stress!”

They downed another shot. Robbe was beginning to think this was a bad idea. Noor nudged him, laughing and scooting the stool closer to his. 

She was suddenly leaning in, her breath smelling of booze and cigarettes. Her face was inches away from his own. Her lips looked soft. 

He couldn’t do this.

“I’m sorry-” He suddenly said, standing up and banging into someone behind him.

“Robbe?” Noor looked confused.

“I have to- I need some air.”

Robbe would look back on this day and wonder how he managed to make it to the door and outside - but for now, he was just grateful to still be standing.

The air felt good on his face. It was a cool night. Robbe shoved his hands into the pockets of his brown jacket and closed his eyes, breathing in the cold breeze. He tried to ground himself, tried to sober up, but it was no use. Everything was spinning. And he smelled smoke. Was someone having a campfire? No, that didn’t make sense. Robbe started giggling at himself. A campfire in the middle of the city.

“Something funny?” A voice was suddenly asking.

Robbe opened his eyes as he turned around and his heart skipped a beat. A guy was leaning against a brick wall, a cigarette or - a blunt in his hand. He looked older, second or third year maybe. He was blonde and wearing a leather jacket and he had this smirk on his face that made the corners of his eyes wrinkle. There was a sparkle in his eye. Different than the one Noor had. Softer maybe, or more delicate. Although it was the way he was looking at Robbe that made his heart speed up. He was looking at him like the world had shifted, like something was falling into place.

Maybe Robbe was more drunk than he thought.

“Hmm?” Robbe finally found his voice, forgetting why he had turned to look at the guy in the first place.

“No, then?” The guy pushed himself away from the wall, taking one last puff of the drug in his hand and throwing it on the ground.

“That’s- that’s littering,” Even drunk, Robbe could hear how intoxicated he sounded.

“Is it?” The blonde feigned shock, looking at the ground then back up at Robbe. “Oops.”

Robbe rubbed at his face, trying to find clarity that this was even real. 

“You need some help getting home?” The guy asked, concern etched into his eyebrows.

“I don’t even know your name,” Robbe responded. “I’m not irresponsible.”

“And if I tell you, will you remember it in the morning?” The blonde chuckled.

Robbe went to respond but he felt himself swaying. The world was tilted on its side, and he felt the urge to laugh some more. He felt so light. And the guy’s green eyes staring into his brown ones were doing weird things to his balance. Or it was the alcohol. Or both.

“Well, I’m Robbe,” Robbe said as he stumbled forward. 

The blonde caught him before he hit the ground. He smelled of weed and vanilla and for some reason it worked. And he was warm despite the chill in the air. He held Robbe up with this smile on his face that said he wouldn’t rather be anywhere else in the world. Which - didn’t make sense, considering even in Robbe’s drunken mindset he could tell he was being obnoxious.

Robbe grabbed the guy’s forearms to steady himself and stared up at that smile as he stumbled. Robbe wanted to lean in.

No, no.

“First year?” The guy asked. “So the dorms. Come, we’re getting a cab.”

The next twenty minutes were a complete blur. Robbe wanted to throw up but he managed to hold it all in until the cab stopped. And then it was a race between the blonde opening the car door and Robbe clutching his stomach as he threw up into the grass.

Eventually they managed to make it up to Robbe’s dorm room. The guy kept a hand on Robbe’s back and almost saved him from falling more than once. When they finally stood in front of Robbe’s door, the guy found Robbe’s key in his pocket and helped them both inside. 

Robbe stumbled over to his bed and fell back onto his pillow. Then he was giggling. He couldn’t stop with the random laughter tonight.

“Now will you tell me what’s funny?” The blonde asked from the doorway, crossing his arms and leaning against the frame.

Robbe squinted at him, his eyes heavy. “This is so embarrassing. But you - you’re funny.”

“I’m funny,” The blonde finally let out a laugh, and it was a wonderful sound to drunk Robbe. “I must have missed my joke.”

“Thank you,” Robbe waved his arms around. “For all this.”

“Of course,” The guy looked like he was ready to leave, and Robbe didn’t know how to tell him he wanted him to stay. “However, you were right, it was probably irresponsible to let a stranger drag you home. You could be dead by now.”

“I trust you.”

“Is that so?”

Robbe hummed. “Yes. Don’t know why.”

“Tell me that when you’re sober, then I just may believe you.”

And that was the last thing Robbe remembered.

-

Robbe was in a foul mood. Understandably so, but he was still ready to commit murder when he woke up to Jens watching a youtube video on full volume from his bed a few steps away from Robbe’s. A cramped dorm was another lovely perk of college.

Robbe grabbed his extra pillow and flung it at Jens, nailing him in the head.

“Morning, happy.”

Robbe groaned. He remembered throwing up last night, thankfully, because he would probably feel a lot worse right now. But his head - oh. It was ready to split open.

“Fuck, my head,” Robbe rubbed at his face. “Fuck.”

He opened his eyes as Jens sat up and stretched. Robbe tried to resist scanning his eyes over Jens half naked body but failed. Guilt crept up in his stomach before he pushed it back down, tearing his eyes away and sitting up himself. 

Jens had a smile on his face.

“So,” Robbe asked, grabbing his water bottle from beside his bed and taking a swig. “Jana, then?”

Jens’ grin got wider. “Got her number.”

“How innocent.”

“I’m going to text her today, probably try to make plans.”

“Spectacular.”

Jens eyed him. “Hangover got you in a bad mood? And when did you leave last night?”

Robbe shrugged, chugging the remainder of his water to avoid answering.

A pillow smacked Robbe in the face. 

“Bro, really,” Robbe rolled his eyes as Jens got dressed.

Robbe picked up his phone and sure enough, he had a few texts from Jens. _“where are you” “did you leave” “dude”._

The memories start hitting Robbe harder than the pounding in his head.

A flash of blonde hair. A leather jacket. A twinkle in greenish blue eyes and - a figure leaning against the dorm doorway. Robbe is suddenly throwing himself forward on the bed, covering his face with his hands out of embarrassment.

Robbe decided he could never see that guy again.

-

Robbe’s relationship with alcohol was like a boomerang, a cycle that his brain liked to repeat. He would go out for a drink, prepare to have one or two, enough to get a buzz, and then a couple of shots later he was hammered. Then, the next morning when he felt horrible, he promised he would never drink again. Furthermore, when the hangover began to pass physically, mentally it stayed, and he was sinking.

Jens had left the dorm to go hang out with one of his new friends, Moyo, on campus. Robbe left shortly after. Alone.

He was walking with his hood up, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his brown jacket and his eyes pinned to the ground in front of him. He just needed to see that he wasn’t banging into anything, otherwise he was lost in his mind. He was trying to zone out but his brain kept taking notice of the heavy feeling in his chest. A feeling that he drank away last night. Like a brutal promise, it always returned.

He missed his mom, but he couldn’t think about her or the guilt added to the heaviness.

He thought about Noor, but not too hard or he remembered how Jens would have kissed her last night. How Jens would have stayed and flirted until he got her number. But Robbe ran. Robbe ran because not even in his drunken state could he want to kiss a girl.

He thought about his career path, and how writing was the only way for him to feel like he had a purpose, how when he got lost in his own words it was easy to forget his reality. He thought about how this probably wasn’t the wisest of career paths but he hadn’t had the courage to choose a different one. He thought about his mom encouraging him. And he had left her.

Robbe had no choice but to stop in his tracks. He felt so miserable, and he needed a distraction.

He looked up. He was in front of a coffee shop on campus. Without thinking, he went inside.

It was cozy. Warm. He felt the heaviness lift slightly at the atmosphere and smell of coffee beans flowing through the air. It was a Saturday and most of the students were sleeping away their hangovers, so the cafe wasn’t busy. He brought his right hand up to lightly massage the left side of his neck, releasing the tension as he asked the barista for a coffee with two milks and three sugars. He told her his name is Robbe for the order.

He stood off to the side to wait for his drink. He looked around for a place to sit, and when he turned his head back he almost had a heart attack at the green eyes staring back at him. The green eyes attached to the blonde holding his drink. The green eyes that he associated with a leather jacket, but was replaced by a brown barista apron.

It was the guy from last night.

“Robin?” The guy smirked, placing the drink in front of Robbe.

“Uh,” Robbe looked down awkwardly, and sure enough, the guy had written ‘Robin’ on his cup. Robbe looked up and glared. “I may have been slurring, but I know I didn’t tell you my name was Robin.”

The guy snorted, and Robbe almost stopped glaring at the sound. Almost. “Hmm, how sure are you?”

“Positive.”

“Bad memories associated with that name?”

“It’s not my name!” Robbe wanted to slap himself when he felt the small smile creep onto his face.

The guy wasn’t hiding it. He was full-on grinning. “Okay. Robin.”

Robbe grabbed his drink, still not able to play tough with the corners of his lips defying him. “I still don’t know yours.”

The guy winked. “I’ll tell you after my shift. Wait for me?” 

And then he was walking back towards the counter, leaving Robbe staring after him.

-

So, the guy was bold.

And for that, and only that, Robbe waited for him.

He could have at least told Robbe when his shift ended, and he did, two hours later from behind the counter when he held up his fingers and mouthed “five minutes”.

Robbe sat in the corner, having finished his coffee long ago. He was sitting by a window which was nice. Robbe also had to admit that he had nothing else to do but sit here and wait. The homework hadn’t piled up yet. Mostly because of the insomnia. Whenever he couldn’t sleep he threw himself into his work. It made up for the lack of serotonin the next day when he didn’t have homework on top of it. 

A normal person would have left, especially out of embarrassment and vow never to return to this cafe again. Robbe could barely remember what he had said and done last night. He remembered stumbling. Oh, and he had remembered the guy’s eyes staring into his and he had-

He had wanted to lean in.

Robbe definitely should not be waiting.

But something was keeping him here. Maybe it was to show the older guy that he wasn’t a complete light weight, that he wasn’t a first year who can’t handle his alcohol. Maybe it was because he had to know his name before it drove him crazy. Maybe it was because he wanted to know why he had dyed his hair that bleach blonde colour and how he knew it would work for him. Maybe it was because he was lonely. Maybe all of the above.

Lost again in his thoughts, he almost jumped when he looked up at the blonde who was standing there with two drinks in his hand. 

He sat down, pushing the drink towards Robbe. This one also said Robin.

“Oh, you’re one of them,” Robbe looked up at him, not touching his drink.

“Hm?” The guy asked, taking a sip of his own, his lips tilted up in a smile.

“The type to repeat a joke until it’s not funny anymore.”

“Mm, yeah, I suppose I am one of them,” The guy smirked.

“Name.”

“What?”

“Your name?”

“Figure it out yourself.”

“Sorry?” Robbe crossed his arms. “I’m not drinking that until you tell me.”

“That’s okay. Didn’t cost me anything.”

“Tell me!” Robbe tried keeping a straight face. God, this guy was infuriating.

“Maybe you should be more observant. That’s not my fault.”

Robbe raised an eyebrow, but then his eyes wandered to the cup in the blonde’s hand.

Sander. It said Sander.

Robbe’s heart did a little flutter.

Accepting defeat, Robbe picked up his drink and took a sip. It was hot chocolate. He scrunched his face together.

Sander was watching him, that familiar twinkle in his eye. Robbe felt like he could see right through him, and he was suddenly very aware that he probably looked a mess. Recovering from his hangover, his hair everywhere, his cheeks burning, his eyes tired. Sander looked like had just walked off the set of a movie with his blonde hair perfectly swept to the side and his eyes shining.

“You want me to get you something else?” Sander asked, his eyes moving from Robbe to the drink. He had his elbows resting on the table, so his face was quite close to Robbe’s. 

Robbe sat back. “No, I was just expecting coffee.”

Sander sat back as well. “Figured you’re two small for two coffees in two hours.”

Robbe scoffed. “Small?”

“Yeah,” Sander shrugged. “You’re tiny.”

“I’m not that much shorter than you,” Robbe rolled his eyes. “Get off your high horse.”

“High horse?” Sander snorted again, and Robbe’s eyes widened. “Cute. No, I mean it’s your entire image. You’re just small.”

Robbe decided to ignore the ‘cute’ comment. He wasn’t used to someone looking at him the way Sander was. Robbe was used to fleeting conversations, to lack of eye contact. Sander had this look in his eye that this was the only moment that was important. It made Robbe feel very self conscious, but also intrigued.

“Fine,” Robbe shrugged. “But I could have handled another coffee.”

“Hangover got you down?” Sander joked.

Robbe’s cheeks burned with embarrassment, his ears flaming. “No, just trying to prove a point.”

Sander smiled down at his coffee. Robbe allowed himself to scan his eyes over his face. He had a tiny scar beside his right eye and full eyebrows. Sander licked off some of his drink that had pooled at the top of the lid, and Robbe had to look away.

Robbe cleared his throat. “Uh, what year are you in?”

Sander looked down at his coffee, his one elbow resting on the table now as he traced the lid with his finger. “Guess.”

“Is it always this hard to get you to answer a question?”

Sander shrugged. “Depends on the day. Your reactions amuse me.”

Robbe leaned forward, playing along with his stupid game. “Second?”

Sander scoffed.

“Okay, third?”

Sander smirked. “Maybe.”

“Sander!” Robbe blurted out in frustration, liking the way it sounded on his lips. Sander looked at him with that look in his eye, the one that whispered _you have my attention._

“Okay, you’re right. And before you ask I’m an art student.” Sander looked down at his coffee as he said that, as if he was afraid of Robbe’s reaction. Robbe made an impressed face, although he wasn’t surprised. Sander radiated the energy of someone artistic.

“Graphic design?”

“No.”

“Dance?”

Sander scowled. “Really?”

“Visual arts.”

“Maybe.”

So yes.

“Does everyone in the visual arts program own a leather jacket?” Robbe asked, thinking about Noor.

Sander just rolled his eyes, trying to hide a smile. They sat in comfortable silence for a minute and Robbe was stunned at how easy it was. He felt lighter, the heaviness in his chest almost gone again. Maybe it was the hot chocolate, or the distraction. 

Robbe cleared his throat again. “Um, thank you, for last night.”

Sander looked up at him. “You said that already.”

Robbe furrowed his eyebrows. “Last night?”

“Mhm, among other things.”

“Like what?”

Sander teased. “Ah, so you don’t remember?” 

Robbe looked down. “I do, just, you know, if I said anything weird I’m sorry-”

Sander interrupted. “You didn’t. Don’t stress. You were very cute.”

Robbe’s eyes shot up. Cute. He was cute. He couldn’t ignore that one. Robbe’s heart started racing, and his mind swayed. Sander looked slightly more serious now, his eyes still happy, but narrowed. Robbe imagined he was testing the waters, seeing what was appropriate, and Robbe didn’t know how to react. What was he supposed to do? Say thank you? 

Robbe imagined his face looked discouraging right now, because worry started to spread on Sander’s face. Robbe didn’t want to cause anyone else hurt, so he stood up.

“Thank you,” Robbe said suddenly as Sander’s eyes looked up at him. “For the uh, coffee, and last night. Sorry, I know I already said that. I have to go. Sorry.”

And with that, he darted out of the coffee shop.

-

Second week of classes proved to be worse than the first, mainly because Robbe could not, for the life of him, focus.

The lack of sleep was making him agitated as well. As he sat in a lecture he could feel his eyes drooping. After every class he intended to go back to his dorm and sleep but every time his head hit the pillow his body failed him.

He rubbed at his face and watched the clock on the wall. There was only thirty minutes left.

His phone was buzzing in his pocket.

**Dad.**

Robbe internally groaned. He hit decline.

He was used to his dad calling repeatedly until he answered, but with his already agitated mood he wanted to scream. He kept hitting decline until he couldn’t take it anymore. He packed up his things and left the lecture hall, no one batting an eye.

Once he was in the hallway he hit accept.

“Yeah?”

“Hi son.”

“Dad I was in a lecture,” Robbe told him, trying to keep his tone even. 

“Oh, well did you leave? You shouldn’t have left-”

“What was I supposed to do, you kept calling?” Robbe could feel the anger bubbling in his chest. He gripped his phone and started pacing.

“Next time send me a text message and I will-”

“I thought you would understand by the constant hanging up-”

“Robbe, don’t use that tone with me.”

Robbe rolled his eyes and looked up at the ceiling, counting to ten. He focused on calming his breathing. Every time he talked to his dad on the phone he was seconds away from saying everything he’s ever wanted to say. But he knew that would only make things worse for his mom who would surely hear about it. So he breathed.

“Sorry.”

“I was just checking in,” His dad said, now annoyed as well. It didn’t take much. They were similar in that way and Robbe hated it. “All good?”

“Yeah,” Robbe muttered. “Fine.”

“Let me know when you’re coming home,” He sighed. “I’m sure your mom misses you.”

The guilt stabbed him in the heart. Robbe had to lean against the wall as his heart sped up. 

“Yeah,” Robbe’s voice came out weak. “I will.”

“Talk soon.”

-

Robbe’s growing state of exhaustion and inability to keep Sander off of his mind made everything feel very blurred.

Maybe that’s why he found himself standing outside the cafe. Again, any normal person would stay far away. But the pull Robbe was feeling to the coffee shop was far from normal.

The first time he went back, Sander wasn’t there, and Robbe felt his disappointment add to the elephant sitting on his chest.

The second time, Sander was there. And Sander smiled at him, and Robbe smiled back, and Sander gave him his drink with the name Robin on it. But before they could speak, Sander’s manager asked him for help with something. And Robbe fled before he came back because he felt sick at the way his heart was fluttering.

The third time, Sander had dark circles under his eyes and the energy he was radiating reminded Robbe of a light bulb that had gone out. His shoulders were slumped, his movements slow, and God, it was his eyes that Robbe couldn’t stop staring at. Again, or, as usual, but mostly because the green looked darker and heavier. And when they found Robbe, they didn’t match the small smile that formed on Sander’s lips. 

Robbe took his drink without taking his eyes away from Sander’s. Sander kept his eyes locked as well. They just stared. Robbe felt an energy being transmitted into his soul that he couldn’t quite place. He suddenly didn’t care if anyone was looking at them strangely and wondering why they were frozen. The only thought on his mind was _are you okay? Why has your light gone out? What can I do?_

Sander broke the contact first, looking down. Robbe went to speak, but Sander held a hand up. And Robbe somehow understood.

Sometimes words make everything worse.

It looked like it physically pained Sander to turn around and go back to work. 

The heaviness in his chest multiplied. 

-

It was 3:21am and Robbe was ready to tear his eyes out.

There was a small window above his bed and he kept the curtains slightly open so that some of the moonlight trickled in. Jens was sound asleep on the other side of the room and Robbe wondered what that was like. He had been drifting in and out for days, never feeling fully rested, never sleeping for longer than an hour at a time.

He stared out the window and rubbed at his eyes. He felt wide awake. He wasn’t sure at what point he decided he couldn’t sit here and try to sleep anymore. Maybe it was the envy he felt looking at Jens’ relaxed face, or the way the room suddenly felt even smaller than it did a minute ago. Whatever it was, he couldn’t fight the pull to leave the dorm any longer.

Robbe moved quietly around the room as he pulled on some jeans, a grey hoodie and his brown jacket. He pulled his red beanie over his head and snuck out into the hallway.

The campus had a different energy at 3am. The air was cool, the moon high in the sky, and the silence… that was what really stood out to Robbe. It was quiet. Everything felt different. New.

He stuffed his hands into his pockets and decided that he liked the campus better at this time of night. There wasn’t a person in sight.

So he walked. He circled the main campus a few times, taking in the way the trees swayed in the wind and the rustling sound they made. He focused on the sound of his shoes against the pavement and imagined he was the last man on earth. He didn’t think about his mom, or his dad, or Jens, or Sander’s eyes. 

That is, until he was on his third lap of the grounds and he stopped dead in his tracks because there was finally another sign of life. 

There was a giant water fountain surrounded by a couple of benches. During the day this area was a prime spot. It was never empty. People liked to throw their coins in the water and make a wish, study to the sound of the water, have a tea with a friend. 

The benches were empty the first and second time around. But now? Now there was a figure sitting alone on one of them. Robbe almost turned around and jogged away as he envisioned a serial killer with an axe. That is until he saw the blonde hair.

Sander was looking at him.

And Robbe was too tired to run away again. 

Sander was bundled in a hoodie with his leather jacket over top. His hands were in his pockets as he faced the fountain. Robbe sat down beside him.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

Sander’s eyes were the same as the other day at the cafe. Sunken in. Dark. Heavy. He stared ahead at the fountain so Robbe did the same. His curiosity disappeared into the darkness engulfing them. He knew the feeling, the feeling that the world was too heavy and silence was the only way for survival. That by speaking you were risking the moon crashing down.

They sat there for almost half an hour like this. Robbe occasionally snuck a glance at him, noticing the paint smudged on his hands and wondering what he had been painting, or drawing, and at one point he stopped to come sit by the fountain.

It was Sander who spoke first.

“I never asked what you’re studying,” His voice was weak from lack of use.

Robbe kept staring at the fountain. “Writing.”

Sander turned to look at him, so Robbe did the same. Robbe hadn’t realized how close he had sat to Sander. He could reach out and touch his face if he wanted to.

And he wanted to.

Robbe stared into Sander’s sad eyes.

“It’s the only thing that makes me feel real,” Robbe surprised himself by speaking. “You know?”

“I know.”

Sander was looking at Robbe’s lips, then back at Robbe’s eyes. Robbe couldn’t take his eyes away from Sander’s knowing gaze. 

Robbe leaned in. But suddenly-

Screaming.

A group of students were laughing as they huddled together and walked through campus, presumably coming home from a club. Robbe could smell the alcohol and weed from where they sat on the bench. Sander looked annoyed. Robbe felt it too.

When Robbe turned his head back to look at Sander, the moment had passed.

Sander reached out and grabbed hold of Robbe’s hand, squeezing it tight.

Robbe spoke. “Maybe we can just… stay like this for tonight.”

“Maybe we can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god okay hello.
> 
> so this is going to be around 5 chapters, but as you can see they're going to be kinda lengthy.
> 
> please don't kill me for not doing research on college in belgium. i wanted this to be like your typical american college setting so. here we are.
> 
> i'm assuming you caught on to the fact that no one knew each other in high school except for robbe and jens, and i made robbe a writer because as you can probably tell....... he's quite depressed and it's all going to make sense later. 
> 
> i hope you enjoyed!! lemme know in the comments or on tumblr :) 
> 
> tumblr: dearsander


	2. mystery of love

_He didn’t hang the moon  
He took it down  
He grabbed hold of it with steady hands  
Wrapped it in his arms and refused to let go  
His chest was on fire  
A flame that ignited from his throat  
Rising to the surface, releasing in the form of words  
Words that said:  
I will pull you from the dark  
And with time  
The moon would learn to trust that  
The moon would learn to carry that_  


Robbe stared at the poem on his desk. He had written it in a feeble attempt at 7am to make sense of the jumbled thoughts that Sander had left him with. He could still feel Sander’s palm in his, could still see the paint smudges on his fingers and smell the comfort that radiated off of him. 

Robbe closed his eyes and leaned his forehead on his desk, planning to close his eyes for just a moment. For clarity. To try to stop the pounding in his head that came with lack of sleep.

“Robbe?”

The voice sounded far away. In fact, Robbe wasn’t sure if it was even real.

“Dude.”

Robbe felt dizzy. And then -

Someone was shaking him awake.

“Hey, you good?”

Robbe struggled to open his eyes, but when he did he was met with Jens staring down at him. He had a hoodie on, the hood covering his head. He smelled of smoke and icy air outside. 

He also looked quite concerned. 

Robbe rubbed at his face. “Sorry.”

Jens narrowed his eyes, stepping back to sit down on the bed. Robbe turned in his chair to face him, resting his elbows on his knees.

“You look like shit.”

Robbe replied. “Thanks for the kind words.”

Jens looked him up and down. “Look, dude, I know something is up, I’ve known you long enough.”

That was actually a common problem in Robbe’s life, how well Jens knew him. Robbe couldn’t hide a damn thing from his best friend. Which, in retrospect, was probably a good thing, because he didn’t have many people looking out for him. However, Robbe used to have some space at the end of the day when he went home. Now, in this case, he lived two steps from Jens’ bed.

Robbe was screwed.

So, he did the only sensible thing.

He shrugged.

“Robbe. Come on.”

“It’s nothing Jens.”

Jens rolled his eyes, grabbing his pillow and covering his face with it, groaning and falling back against the mattress. Jens had heard that lie one too many times.

Robbe couldn’t help but smile. “Dude, I swear I’m fine.”

Jens removed the pillow from his face. “Whenever you’re ready to talk about it I’m here.”

Robbe’s heart hurt at that. “Okay.”

“In the meantime, you can tell me who that poem is about.”

Robbe suddenly felt wide awake, his initial instinct to grab the poem and shove it out of sight and into his bag. Jens was eyeing him in the corner with a smirk on his face.

“I already saw it while you were dead,” Jens said. “So, who is it?”

Robbe just shook his head. “No one. Really.”

“Come on dude, you left the bar early last week too.”

Robbe’s heart was pounding out of his chest and his hands felt sweaty. Sander’s face was engraved in his mind. Sander staring down at him as he stumbled into his arms. Sander helping him out of the cab. Sander looking at Robbe like he had - 

Like he had hung the moon.

Jens was looking at him encouragingly, and Robbe suddenly wanted to tell him. He wanted to just say it. Maybe if he did, the world would feel less heavy. Maybe the elephant on his chest would lessen in weight. Maybe if Jens knew, all would be okay again.

“Did you leave with her?” Jens asked.

Robbe felt like he had been punched in the throat.

Her.

Jens raised an eyebrow. “Who is she?”

Robbe couldn’t meet his gaze. His voice had been stolen from him.

“Is she the moon or whatever, in your poem?” Jens asked.

“No. I was just inspired.”

“Yeah, because of the girl,” Jens grinned. “Fine fine, don’t tell me. But I bet I’ll find out this weekend.

Robbe raised an eyebrow. “This weekend?”

Jens nodded. “Moyo mentioned a party downtown. You’re coming. Bring your girl.”

Robbe’s phone buzzed in his pocket. 

**Mom:** I miss you x

A pang in his heart, the familiar feeling of guilt washing over him, and Robbe suddenly decided that maybe a night out was exactly what he needed.

-

The colours of the club were swirling together and Robbe briefly wondered if this was a healthier alternative to doing heavy drugs. Because really, how was this any different? He hadn’t had a proper nights sleep in weeks and suddenly the room was dancing before him. The people all looked the same and they were mashing into one big blob on the dance floor. He had completely lost track of Jens and Moyo, his head was pounding and the singular beer was trying to decide if it made Robbe want to faceplant into his bed or run head first onto the dance floor. 

Naturally, he was back to leaning against the wall furthest away from other humans. 

He was watching the blue lights combine with the red ones when a figure appeared, blocking out the light.

Robbe squeezed his eyes shut as his head threatened to explode.

“You alright?” The voice asked.

Robbe opened his eyes. It was Noor. She was wearing dark red lipstick and a black crop top with high waisted jeans. Her tattoos were prominent against her pale skin, her smile hesitant on her face.

Robbe cleared his throat. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Hi.”

Noor’s smile widened. “Hello.”

It was a bit awkward, but Robbe didn’t have the words ready. He wished he could tell her why he ran away the other night. He wished he could just lean in and kiss her, pull her onto the dance floor and pretend to be normal for one night. But he couldn’t do it.

Noor’s eyes roamed his face. “I’m sorry about the other night.”

That surprised Robbe. “Why are you sorry?”

She looked away from him. She crossed her arms across her chest, looking deep in thought. “Because I shouldn’t have… We were just taking shots and I guess I jumped the gun.”

Robbe was 100% sure that she should not be apologizing. “No, no I’m sorry for running away. I was - I was really fucked up. I should be apologizing.”

She chuckled, looking back at him. “Okay, how about we both accept each other’s apology and forget it happened. Sound good?”

He nodded, offering a smile. “Maybe no whisky shots tonight.”

Noor laughed, and Robbe smiled shyly as he took his phone out of his pocket to check the time. It was almost midnight. 

And Robbe almost had a heart attack when he heard a familiar voice.

“Noor?”

Robbe looked up and Sander was putting an arm around Noor, giving her a side hug in form of a greeting. He was wearing his leather jacket with a dark grey Pink Floyd shirt underneath, his white hair swept naturally to the side. Robbe’s eyes found his, and Sander’s dark circles were still there. His eyes looked brighter, though, more alive. 

In comparison to Robbe, he was doing better. Robbe imagined he was beginning to look like a walking corpse.

“Hey you,” Noor hugged him back. “Didn’t think you were coming out tonight.”

Sander was still looking at Robbe as he answered. “Yeah well, I changed my mind. Thought I would check out the company.”

Noor was looking from Sander to Robbe. Realization dawned on her face. “You two know each other?”

Sander’s eyes were scanning over Robbe’s face, then down his body. Robbe felt very visible all of a sudden, but he took that as permission to let his eyes scan over Sander. When Robbe looked back at his face he was smiling. Robbe couldn’t help but smile back.

Realizing he hadn’t answered Noor, he spoke first. “Yeah, we met first week of the semester.”

Sander finally looked at Noor. “Noor and I are roommates.”

Robbe raised an eyebrow. “Roommates?”

Noor nodded. “Yeah, we’re renting a house close to campus with two other guys.”

“Noor loves being the only girl.”

Noor scoffed. “Oh yes, I’m living the dream.”

Robbe felt somewhat relieved at the explanation, but he also had to wonder at the coincidence of it all. Noor was back to looking at Robbe and Sander with a skeptical look on her face, and then she was smirking.

Sander eyed her. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“Noor.”

“Yes?”

“Cut it out,” Sander was nudging her. “Really.”

“Okay okay,” Noor put her hands up in surrender and started backing away. “See you later, Robbe.” 

She disappeared into the crowd.

Robbe, incredibly confused, looked back at Sander. “Uh, what was that-”

Sander waved him off. “She just knows me well. We’re in the same program.”

“Okay?” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Sander smirked at him, taking a step closer. Robbe almost took a step back, suddenly nervous. He couldn’t explain the butterflies, but he didn’t want to back away. He was still feeling quite out of it, his eyes heavy but his brain going a million miles a minute.

Sander was looking very serious. “You doing alright?” He asked as his eyes wandered to Robbe’s dark circles.

Robbe’s jerk reaction was to say he was fine, but with Sander, something was different. Robbe couldn’t look at Sander’s own tired eyes, his memory reminding him of the way Sander had stared at the fountain a few nights ago, and lie to him.

So Robbe shrugged. “I’ve been better.”

Sander was very close to him, and he looked deep in thought. Robbe wanted to reach out and trace the mole on the side of his face. Sander was letting a small smile grow, an idea clearly trying to come out.

“Come, we’re going to dance,” Sander raised his eyebrows as if he thought what he was saying was funny.

Robbe’s face showed complete confusion. “Excuse me?”

Sander let out a laugh at Robbe’s expression. “Dancing. The thing they’re all doing behind us.”

Robbe shook his head. “Nice try. You’re real funny.”

Sander took another step towards Robbe. Robbe stood his ground, staring up at Sander with a determined expression. Sander’s eyes roamed to Robbe’s lips, then back at his eyes. Robbe’s heart was beating so fast. He wanted to care that there were people around who could see what was happening, he wanted to step back and go home and pretend this wasn’t real. He wanted to shove Sander to the side.

But Sander’s green eyes were transmitting something into Robbe’s firm exterior, smashing against the glass and threatening to break in. Robbe blamed his exhaustion for messing with his brain and making him unable to do anything else but stand this comfortably close to the blonde. 

Robbe was powerless.

“I mean it,” Sander said softly, so close to Robbe’s face that he didn’t have to talk over the music. “Let go.”

Let go.

The words sounded like a song. A bright light leading him forward. 

His poem rang in his thoughts.

 _Please pull me from the dark._

Robbe, not taking his eyes away from Sander’s, grabbed hold of his hand for the second time in his life. They didn’t move for a second, their grips tightening, their gazes piercing, and then Sander was taking the first step.

He led Robbe onto the dance floor.

They rifled through the crowd, and Robbe wondered how many people he was touching at once as they fought their way through. Sander had it the hardest because once they were a few steps in he started walking backwards, keeping his eyes on Robbe. Robbe just let himself be guided.

Eventually they stopped in the middle as people danced around them. Robbe didn’t know how to fit in, so he huddled closer to Sander, who looked up with his eyes closed. He had this blissful grin on his face as he laughed. Robbe just watched him, in awe of how he was able to look so wonderfully himself, so in touch with the world around him.

Sander was pulling Robbe close, whispering into his ear. “Just let go.”

So Robbe tried. He closed his eyes, Sander’s cheek brushing against his as he pulled away. Sander wrapped his arm around Robbe’s waist, helping him move with him. The music was loud, the beat thumping against his chest. He felt like he was being punched by it. Even with his eyes closed, he could still see the lights swirling against the back of his eyelids. 

But he let himself go. He let himself be guided by Sander, let himself get lost in the music. The crowd disappeared around him so that it was only him and Sander standing there. The world was moving in slow motion, the brightest thing in the room being the green eyes in front of him.

Maybe a little too bright, because everything was suddenly collapsing on it’s side, and Robbe would have fallen to the ground if it weren’t for Sander catching him.

High pitched ringing was the most prominent sound in his skull. And then -

“Robbe? Robbe, look at me,” Sander’s voice joined the ringing.

Sander’s arms on Robbe’s back were like an anchor holding him to the surface. He blinked, trying to make the room appear less blurry and jumbled. Sander’s familiar scent of vanilla was helping him regain focus.

He looked up and Sander was looking down at him with concern in his eyes, and Robbe quickly looked around to see how many people were staring at him. Surprisingly, everyone was still dancing. Robbe and Sander were in their own little world amongst the sea of people, and Robbe was grateful for that. He felt so out of it.

“Come, let’s go get some air.”

Sander kept an arm around him as they once again made their way through the crowd.

Once they made it outside Robbe slid down the brick wall and kneeled on his feet, leaning his elbows on his thighs to steady himself. Sander joined him, kneeling, his eyebrows etched together.

“We should probably get you home,” Sander said softly.

Robbe avoided looking at him. 

“I think you need sleep,” Sander spoke after a few seconds of silence. 

“No.”

“Robbe-”

“I can’t.”

Robbe rubbed at his face, his eyes felt like weights were attached to them. He fiddled with a loose strand on his jeans, embarrassment flushing his cheeks. 

Robbe was used to people leaving once they got too close to him, once they realized that he wasn’t exactly the life of the party. Once they realized that Robbe was too broken to get through to, _too much too much too much._

“Okay, then come.” Sander was standing up.

Robbe finally looked at him. Sander had a hand stretched forward, asking Robbe to take it. 

Robbe stared. “You going to drag me to bed again?”

“No, better.” 

Sander had a playful look in his eye. Robbe didn’t understand him. He didn’t understand why he was still standing here, why he had pulled Robbe into the crowd to dance, why the universe had them keep meeting. He didn’t understand any of it, and he knew it wouldn’t last. But with Sander staring down at him like Robbe was the only thing of importance, he was hard to resist. Sander was hard to walk away from. And Robbe had done it once, and he didn’t want to do it again.

He reached forward and clasped their hands together. Sander pulled him to his feet.

“Come.”

-

“Do you know what a liminal space is?” Sander asked.

They were, to Robbe’s surprise, walking through campus. Robbe was wary, wondering if this was a trick of Sander’s to make him go back to his dorm and sleep. Robbe couldn’t think of anything he wanted to do less. He wanted to spend hours roaming the campus with Sander, speaking or not, using words to make the night feel less empty or not. The thought of going back to his dorm simply to stare at his ceiling and wait for the sunrise, to feel his crushing thoughts pound against his skull, well, he wasn’t about to do that. Sander was beside him, and for the moment, that was all he needed.

“Um, I might have heard of it before,” Robbe lied.

Sander chuckled, quickening his pace so that he was in front of Robbe and walking backwards. “So, not really.”

Robbe kept his pace, wondering how Sander wasn’t falling over. “I have!”

Sander raised an eyebrow, that stupid smirk evident on his face. “Okay, explain it then.”

Robbe racked his brain for any information he had on liminal spaces, but he came up short.

Sander just laughed. “Admit you don’t know and maybe I’ll explain it.”

Robbe reached forward and playfully shoved him in the shoulder. Sander resumed his pace beside Robbe again.

“Fine.”

“Fine what?”

“Fine I don’t know what a luminal space is.”

“Liminal.” Sander chuckled.

“Sander!”

“Okay, okay. Why do you like to walk the campus at 3am?”

That question surprised Robbe, but he played along. He thought about it. Yes, it was because he couldn’t sleep. But there was something about it, something about the way the buildings looked different and the air felt lighter. He had been going for walks late at night for as long as he could remember, always finding a sense of serenity in the dark before the dawn. It was homely. And peaceful.

Fearful of how Sander would react to an answer like that, he toned it down. “Because everyone is asleep. Except for you.”

Sander stopped walking. They were standing in front of a building that Robbe had never been in before. However, from his many walks around campus he recognized it as one of the art buildings. It had space for other majors as well, but everyone knew it as an art kid hang out.

Sander leaned against the wall, stuffing his hands in his leather jacket.

“Okay,” He said. “What else?”

Robbe shrugged.

“Come on, writer-brain, I know there’s more to it than that.”

Once again, Sander was seeing right through him. Robbe looked away, letting himself disappear into his brain for a moment. He ran a hand through his hair.

“I guess… I guess because it feels different,” Robbe answered honestly.

Sander nodded. “Mhm. Keep going.”

Robbe exhaled. “Because I’m seeing it differently to how it usually is. In the day the air feels different. At night… at night everything has changed. It’s empty. There’s no purpose to it.”

“That’s what a liminal space is.”

Robbe raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

Sander nodded. “A liminal space is… essentially a transition space. It’s a crossing over place. A threshold. Where everything feels different because you are seeing it out of it’s norm, different because it’s being seen as it not usually is.”

Robbe had no control over his face as he drank in every word Sander was speaking. 

“So, campus at night?”

“Or an empty parking garage. Abandoned buildings. Hotel hallways in the middle of the night.” Sander looked deep in thought.

“Empty art galleries?” Robbe suggested.

Sander grinned. “My favourite.”

Robbe smiled back, taking a step towards him. Sander looked like a painting, with the moonlight casting a shadow over his face as he stood there and talked about something that was of clear interest to him. Robbe could stand there and listen to Sander talk about things he loved for hours. The way his face lit up, the way his eyes widened and looked far away as he thought about what to say next. Sander was gravity and Robbe had no choice but to move closer, feeling like the centre of the world was a few steps in front of him.

Robbe suddenly thought of something. “Can a person be a liminal space?”

Sander was less than a step in front of him now. “What do you mean?”

“You said ‘a threshold, a transition space’.”

“Yes.”

“So, if we feel like we’re in the space before our next adventure, if we feel like we’re waiting around for what happens next.”

“Well,” Sander looked down at him. “I wouldn’t say that’s possible. Because you’re always in the middle of an adventure, even if you don’t think so.”

Robbe was staring into Sander’s eyes, begging him for the answers he needed, the answers that always felt out of reach. “What if you feel like you’re always in that transitioning phase?”

“Do you feel like that?”

“Not tonight.”

Because it was true. Right now, in this moment, Robbe was completely present. He was curious, excited about where Sander was taking him, to see what Sander was planning. He felt a feeling of anticipation, one that he hadn’t felt in a long time. It was a small flame burning in his chest, wanting to grow, wanting to burn brighter and spread through his veins. It was a flame that had gone out long ago but was starting again, small, but it was there.

“Good. Because another example of a liminal space is -” Sander turned around grabbed the handle of the door to the building he had been leaning against. He fiddled with it, and Robbe didn’t have time to question what he was doing before the door was opening. “- an empty lecture hall.”

“Sander… we cannot be here,” Robbe’s eyes widened as Sander walked in. “Sander-”

Sander was offering his hand forward. “Come.”

Robbe shook his head.

“Are you scared?” Sander asked, his eyes sparking. He had a wide grin on his face, and he looked dangerous. The intoxicating kind, the inviting kind. 

The kind that Robbe couldn’t say no to.

“No.”

“Take my hand.”

So Robbe did.

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

Robbe jokingly elbowed him and Sander led him inside. 

It was dark, so Sander took out his phone to use the flashlight. Robbe was having a hard time focusing with Sander’s hand back in his, but he was still able to recognize what Sander meant by liminal space. Everything felt different. It was eerily quiet, the only sound their footsteps as they walked down the hall in silence. 

Sander stopped in front of another door. This one opened with ease.

“You first.” Sander let go of his hand to gesture towards the empty lecture hall.

“Is this the part where you tell me you’re an axe murderer?”

Sander shrugged. “You tell me.”

Robbe took a couple of steps into the room, then turned around to face Sander before he could join him. “No. I trust you.”

Something flashed in Sander’s eyes. “You already said that.”

Robbe was confused. “When?”

“When you were drunk.”

“Oh lovely.”

“I told you to tell me that when you were sober,” Sander’s voice was almost a whisper. “Then I would believe you.”

“So do you believe me?” Robbe asked, his voice becoming serious.

Sander didn’t answer that, he merely shut the door behind him. “Go, stand in the middle of the stage.”

Sander flashed the flashlight across the room. It was a huge lecture hall that could easily fit three hundred people. The chairs were all lined up facing a stage at the front of the room. Robbe listened, making his way towards the stage. Sander’s light wasn’t helping much as he stumbled his way through.

Once Robbe was in the middle of the stage he crossed his arms. “Okay. I’m here.”

Sander shut off the light.

“Real funny,” Robbe spoke into the darkness. It was pitch black. His exhaustion was once again making his vision do funny things, the blackness morphing together and doing dances. He briefly thought about closing his eyes, but he didn’t want to risk passing out again.

“Three… two… one…” Sander’s voice radiated throughout the hall.

Robbe had never, in all his years, experienced something like the next moment of his life. As soon as the last number exited Sander’s mouth, hundreds of thousands of little fairy lights were filling the lecture hall. One second it was black, and then the next - pure, overwhelming beauty danced around the room. Robbe couldn’t explain what it made him feel. The lights were hanging from the ceiling, coming out of the walls, littering the ground and the chairs. 

Robbe’s eyes wandered over to Sander who was suddenly a few steps away from him. The fairy lights glinted in Sander’s eyes, reflecting against the green as well as the white of his hair. And just like that - Sander was the most beautiful thing in the room. 

Sander was looking at Robbe also encased in the light. He imagined they looked like they were amongst the stars, floating in space. 

Sander was now very close to him. He reached a hand forward to cup Robbe’s cheek, and Robbe closed his eyes, his heart beating far too fast. Sander’s hand was warm, protective.

“It’s unsettling,” Robbe found himself saying breathlessly. “The liminal space.”

“It’s supposed to be,” Sander replied, his face inches from Robbe’s. “That’s how you know you’re in the right place.”

“Like us?”

“Like us.”

Robbe opened his eyes as something came over him. Sander Driesen. He was so familiar, so ethereal and alluring, but unsettling. In the way that made Robbe want to grab hold and never let go. In the way that the campus made him feel at 3am, or an empty parking lot, or the sound of a train in the dead of night. In the way that made you curious and enthralled and vulnerable all at once.

What Robbe was feeling transcended time and liminal space. Because nothing else mattered when Sander was leaning forward and connecting their lips.

There are certain moments in life that make everything and nothing make sense, that grab hold of you and shake you free of whatever hell your mind had once created for you. That was what kissing Sander was like. Everything and nothing made sense. How had this feeling always existed but it was only now that it was showing itself to him? How did there exist war and hatred when someone could make you feel as Sander was making Robbe feel right now?

They weren’t gentle with each other. Far from it. Because how could they be? Sander cupped Robbe’s face in his, starting slow and then increasing speed. Robbe grabbed Sander’s white hair in his fingers and squeezed, trying to ground himself, trying to stop himself from ascending into space. Robbe had to stand on his toes to get closer, to increase the passion that was building in his soul.

The lights shimmered around them, the Earth swayed at their feet, and something in the universe fell into place.

And that night - Robbe finally fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: dearsander


	3. falling again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sander felt like home.
> 
> And the more days that went on, the more fearful Robbe grew. But he pushed it away.
> 
> He pushed it away until he couldn’t anymore.

Waking up in Sander Driesen’s arms after weeks of not sleeping was a definite shock to Robbe’s system.

First of all, he felt weird. His body was confused. His head felt clearer, his eyes light, his breathing steadier. He had almost forgotten what it felt like to sleep through the night, to wake up after nine hours of complete rest.

“Morning, you.”

Robbe’s head was tucked into Sander’s neck, his arm draped over his chest and their legs were intertwined. Sander had both arms wrapped around Robbe, holding him close. Robbe remembered falling asleep in this exact position.

He tilted his head to see Sander smiling at him. Sander brought a hand up to run through Robbe’s hair, pushing it back. Robbe blinked sleepily at him, not wanting to speak yet, instead deciding to live in this moment for a second longer.

They had stumbled to Sander’s shared house after their kiss under the twinkling stars, giggling like kids as they avoided being too loud to not disturb Sander’s roommates. Sander let Robbe borrow a pair of his smallest sweatpants and a shirt that was clearly too big for him. Once their bodies hit the bed, it only took Sander pulling Robbe close for Robbe to pass out.

Now that he was awake, he let his eyes roam over the posters on Sander’s walls. He had Bowie posters, ACDC, Pink Floyd. His desk was littered with pencils of different shapes and sizes, of eraser shavings and paint brushes and a stack of sketchbooks piled halfway to the ceiling. His bedside table was empty except for a small lamp, and Robbe imagined he spent most of his time at his desk considering the rest of the room was spotless.

He breathed in Sander’s neck and let his hand trail to the back of it, playing with a strand of his hair and admiring how soft it was. Sander just kept running a hand through Robbe’s hair, pushing it back so he could see his face. Robbe let his eyes shut sleepily, feeling Sander’s gaze but not having a care in the world, and moved his hand to feel Sander’s heart beneath his chest. 

Robbe lost track of how long they laid like this and it was freeing, to feel so out of touch with the world. Robbe had spent so much time trying to keep up with it, trying to understand it and live in it, that to be laying here with Sander, cut off from everything including their phones, was the serenity he had been longing for. Everything was too loud most days.

Eventually Sander started placing soft kisses on Robbe’s forehead, then moving down to kiss one closed eye and then the next. Robbe smiled at that, and Sander kissed his lips, both of them smiling into it. 

Kissing Sander was like coming home. 

Sander only picked up his phone once to connect it to the tiny speaker on his bedside table, playing a David Bowie playlist. Robbe didn’t question it, but he took note of the way Sander hummed along to every song, occasionally muttering the lyrics under his breath as he held Robbe close. 

“Your room is the opposite of a liminal space,” Robbe spoke quietly. He moved his head from Sander’s neck to the pillow beside him. Sander shifted to copy Robbe’s position so that they were facing each other, their noses almost touching, their feet still intertwined. “It’s more of a destination.”

Sander’s eyes always looked like they were a second away from breaking into a smile. Right now, they were softly drilling into Robbe’s, giving him his full attention. 

“Is a destination the opposite of a liminal space?” Sander placed a hand on the side of Robbe’s head and used his thumb to stroke his cheek.

Robbe leaned into the touch. “If a liminal space is a threshold, then yes. Your room feels different. I don’t feel like we’re transitioning anywhere… only… only that we’re on an island. Cut off from the world but that’s how it’s supposed to be.”

Now Sander was fully smiling. “I like that.”

“Maybe it’s the posters,” Robbe joked.

“No,” Sander chuckled, but then his eyes became serious. “It’s because you’re in here with me.”

Robbe expected to feel different. He expected to be nervous, to feel a little awkward or out of place amidst the walls that held history. But he didn’t. Sander was the centre of the island holding everything together. He was the waves crashing into the shore and the trees standing tall. Robbe didn’t feel like the visitor. He felt like he had belonged here all along. 

Robbe felt comfortable. He felt a version of himself coming through that he had long since said goodbye to. The version of himself that was okay speaking his thoughts and didn’t bury them only to release them onto paper that would never be read by anyone. Robbe had been silenced one too many times by people in his life to feel that speaking did any good. This was the version that was giddy, that was curious. 

Deep within was the nagging voice that this wasn’t permanent. The voice reminding him of his dad leaving, his friends running, and in turn, him running as well. The voice tearing through the surface, scratching and clawing to scream in his face that the love he had to offer was not good enough. 

Sander must have felt him go very still, because he was kissing him again. And Robbe decided to bury that voice once more.

The voice wasn’t allowed on the island.

Robbe let himself talk freely, and Sander listened. They were now laying in opposite directions, Robbe with his head on Sander’s arm and Sander with his head on Robbe’s, their heads close. Robbe was playing with Sander’s hair as he looked down at him, listening intently, occasionally letting his eyes drift to the ceiling. Robbe talked about how ridiculous his first college party was, how everyone looked like a bunch of zoo animals trying to impress each other. He allowed himself to talk about the heavy feeling on his chest that sat there most days, how he found release from that in writing. As Robbe talked about this, Sander had a look of knowing on his face. He talked about parallel universes, how it brought him comfort to think there were other versions of Robbe out there in slightly different circumstances than his. Sander hummed at that.

Robbe booped him in the nose. 

“I like the way you see the world,” Sander said gently, his eyes looking at the ceiling. “Writer-brain.”

“Maybe I’ll write about you,” Robbe’s hand stilled in Sander’s hair. “But only if you draw me first.”

Sander tilted his head up his eyebrows raised. “You don’t think I already have?”

Robb’s eyes widened. “Really?”

Sander’s playful look was back on his face. He sat up and grabbed one of the sketchbooks in the corner. Robbe sat up as well, crossing his legs and looking at the sketchbook like it was a bomb ready to explode.

“What?” Sander hesitated before opening it. “You scared?”

Robbe shook his head. “I don’t feel worthy.”

Sander let out a laugh at that, and Robbe grinned at the sound. He was being honest, but Sander’s laughing proved that he thought what Robbe was saying was ridiculous, so it squashed his fear beneath the surface.

Robbe couldn’t help himself, he reached forward and gently took the book from Sander’s hands, holding it like it was a delicate child. 

He flipped through the pages. They were all in dark pencil, some rushed (still stunning, only rougher and done with what looked like a greater sense of urgency) and some so detailed Robbe could see exactly what the drawn version of himself was thinking. There was one of Robbe sitting by himself at the cafe, his fingers twiddling together on the table and his eyes staring out the window. There was another of just their hands clasped together the night they stared at the fountain together. Robbe standing behind the cafe counter, a portrait, the outline of his back, his hoodie and beanie being the most prominent on the page.

The one that really stood out to Robbe was a sketch of him sitting on the bench beside the fountain, his head in his hands and his brain floating above him. Around his brain was intricate swirls, some of the lines harsher and others hardly there.

When Robbe finally looked up at Sander, he looked very nervous, his entire cool-guy exterior was crashing down. Sander suddenly looked five years younger, like he was showing a version of himself to Robbe that was vulnerable and small.

“It’s the only thing that makes me feel real,” Sander echoed Robbe’s words back to him. “You know?”

Robbe replied. “I know.”

Overwhelmed, Robbe sprung forward, grabbing Sander’s face in his hands and kissing him, Sander falling backwards with Robbe on top of him. They both laughed into the kiss and Robbe felt so _seen_ and so _understood_ that his soul was dancing.

Sander’s eyes were closed when Robbe separated their lips to lean his forehead against his. “I was worried.”

“Mm?” Robbe closed his eyes as well.

“That you wouldn’t like them,” Sander whispered. “That it might be… too much.”

Robbe opened his eyes to study Sander’s face. “You could never be too much.”

Sander became more vocal after that. Robbe laid with his forearms crossed on Sander’s chest and his head rested on top as Sander spoke. He told Robbe about how his mom made croque’s on Sunday’s for the entire family when he was younger. He talked about how the fairy lights in the lecture hall were a project for one of his classes, that the assignment was to turn a space that made you feel uncomfortable into something beautiful. He told Robbe that he had seen him on the first day of classes, walking through campus and he stood out like a sore thumb. Robbe playfully poked his face at that, and Sander grinned.

“Not in a bad way,” Sander grabbed the finger that Robbe poked him with and squeezed. “I just knew you were going to be important.”

Robbe couldn’t imagine anyone looking at him like that. “And because I probably looked very, very lost as I realized my mistake of going to college.”

Sander smirked. “Oh? Regretting meeting me already?”

Robbe rolled his eyes. “Absolutely.”

Sander grabbed the closest pillow and Robbe had no time to dodge. 

Eventually they had to leave their little sanctuary because Robbe’s stomach growling was becoming unbearably hilarious. 

They wandered down the stairs, Robbe now in Sander’s oversized hoodie, and Sander couldn’t keep his arms off of him as they entered the kitchen with Sander’s arms hugging Robbe from behind.

And Robbe was not expecting to be met with the entire house in the tiny kitchen.

Noor was sitting on the kitchen counter with a mug in her hand, wearing no pants and an oversized sweater. Robbe was happy he knew at least one familiar face.

Aside from her, there were two guys cleaning up the dishes. One with light brown hair and an earring, and the other with dark brown hair and an inch or two shorter with a boyish face. They both went quite still when Robbe and Sander stumbled into the archway.

“Oh, he’s cute,” The light brown haired one eyed Robbe. Recovering quickly, he dried his hands on the closest towel and came barrelling towards Robbe, engulfing him in a hug. “Sorry, I mean, I’m Milan!”

Robbe awkwardly hugged back as Sander chuckled beside him. “Robbe,” He said, introducing himself. Milan pulled away and went back to the sink, gesturing towards the dark haired one. 

“That’s Senne,” He introduced. “And this is Noor-”

“Oh,” Noor smirked at Robbe. “We know each other.”

Robbe felt his face go red. 

Sander placed a hand on his back, sensing that Robbe was feeling a little overwhelmed, and guided him towards the small table in the corner of the kitchen. Sander sat on top of it, so Robbe joined him.

Senne was putting the last plate back in the cupboard in a hurry and was quickly nodding at Robbe and Sander and wiping his hands on the nearby towel. “Okay, I’m heading out, nice to meet you Robbe. And watch out,” He gestured to Sander. “He’ll make you fall in love with him.”

Senne winked at Sander and was out the door.

Sander rolled his eyes as Noor made eye contact with Robbe. “So, you have a type.”

Robbe’s face burned even more red. “Noor-”

She waved him off. “I’m just kidding. Really. It makes more sense now.”

Sander was looking between them as he started shuffling around the kitchen, taking out the newly washed dishes to use them again. “Okay, what am I missing?”

Milan was watching Sander with a disapproving look on his face. “We just washed those.”

Sander ignored Milan.

And Noor ignored both of them. “I hit on him at a party.”

Robbe felt a flash of worry that Sander would be upset, but he just smirked down at the bread he was applying butter to. “Oh, and how did that go?”

“Worked out great for me,” Noor took a sip from her mug. “Seeing as he’s sitting here in your clothes.”

Sander placed the bread on the pan now burning on the stove and walked over to give Robbe a kiss on the cheek. “And I think you’ve embarrassed him, seeing as he’s suddenly become mute.”

Robbe playfully pushed him away. “Shut up.”

Noor laughed, giving Robbe a wink.

Robbe buried his face in his hands. “I hate you both.”

-

Robbe and Sander became inseparable after that.

Robbe felt happiness radiating through him like he had never felt it before.

He felt unstoppable. 

It was in high school that he realized girls were going to become a problem. Not because they were a distraction, but because he was going to have to find a way to make Jens and their other friends believe that he simply did not want a girlfriend. For a teenage boy this proved to be rather difficult and, looking back, he probably wasn’t the nicest for leading so many of them on. 

Jens was the hardest to convince. This was why parties didn’t leave a good taste in Robbe’s mouth, because he associated the loud music and drunk people with fake smiles, fake makeouts, and “she’s not my type”. Eventually Jens stopped asking, and their other friends definitely found Jens to be better company than him. Robbe didn’t mind, especially since he considered their high school friends to be the epitome of the word fuckboy, and he always felt a wave of relief when they left with other girls. 

That was his world. And his world always felt very small.

With Sander he felt the world around him opening up.

In the two weeks that Robbe and Sander began spending every moment with the other, Robbe felt them filling every dumb cliche he had ever made fun of.

Their schedules worked out so that when Robbe was finished his Tuesday and Wednesday classes he was able to go straight to the coffee shop to meet Sander after his shift. Instead of leaving they took up space at the table in the back corner against the window. Robbe would attempt to do work for his classes until he looked up and saw Sander across from him with a look of deep concentration on his face as he drew something in his sketchbook, and then Robbe would find himself writing paragraphs about the way the light was hitting his eyes. Robbe would beg to see what he was drawing, occasionally sneaking glances when Sander was distracted. Sander would laugh until Robbe gave him his best puppy eyes, only giving in and showing him the sketch at the end of their stay.

Robbe was incredibly grateful for Sander’s house off-campus because he still hadn’t told Jens a damn thing. Robbe began leaving things at Sander’s until one day he came over to see that it had all disappeared off of the floor on Robbe’s newfound side of the bed. Sander made Robbe scour the room until he opened a drawer attached to Sander’s dresser and found that Sander had cleared space for him. 

Robbe had gone very still until Sander was hugging from behind and kissing his cheek, and Robbe decided to ignore the heavy feeling growing in his chest. Instead, he pushed Sander onto the bed, climbing on top of him and showering him with kisses.

“You like it?” Sander had asked, fluffing Robbe’s hair back.

Robbe buried his face in Sander’s neck and grinned. “I love it.”

The truth was, something about the visual made Robbe’s heart speed up and his hands get hot because everything was suddenly feeling very permanent and - homely. Robbe felt more at home with Sander than he did at his childhood house, Jens bedroom that he had spent many nights in, and now his dorm room.

Robbe felt at home in the coffee shop, the lecture halls that they made out in between classes, the stars that reminded him of the fairy lights, the fountain water, Sander’s hand in his, Sander’s barking laugh when something caught him by surprise, and Sander.

Sander felt like home.

And the more days that went on, the more fearful Robbe grew. But he pushed it away.

He pushed it away until he couldn’t anymore.

-

Jens was growing suspicious. At first Robbe assumed it was because he was spending only 3-4 nights a week at the dorm, but it was only when the two were spending an afternoon at a skatepark near campus that Robbe realized it was because he was too happy.

They moved to sit on the grass beside the cement, tossing their skateboards to the side as Robbe fell back and stared at the sky. He found himself smiling without having a reason.

Jens fell back as well.

“Alright dude,” He muttered. “Enough’s enough.”

“Mmm?” Robbe hummed, closing his eyes.

“What’s been going on with you?”

Robbe shrugged. “School. Skatepark. Drink. Repeat. You know, college.”

Jens groaned. “I’m going to kill you.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

Jens nudged him with his foot before sitting up, staring down at Robbe accusedly. “Who is s-” Jens paused. “I mean, who are they?”

Robbe’s eyes sprang open. That caught Robbe off guard. He froze for a brief moment but sat up as well, avoiding Jens’ eyes.

He decided to play along. “They?”

Jens shrugged. “Yeah.”

More silence. Robbe’s heart sped up as he realized exactly what was happening. Never, in the entirety of the time Robbe had known him, had Jens used “they”. It was always “who is she?” “what’s her name” “where did you meet her?”

Robbe couldn’t ignore the pronoun. In fact, he knew exactly what it meant.

“You know.”

Jens turned to look at Robbe finally, so Robbe did as well, his eyes feeling like metal weights.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jens asked, his voice soft.

Robbe was suddenly feeling quite emotional, so he looked away again, focusing on the dude with long brown hair doing a kickflip in the air. He thought about Jens laughing at the gay jokes their high school friends made, and Jens constant remarks about Robbe needing to get himself out there more, and then he thought about Jens’ bed.

It was the first time Robbe fled from home to stay the night at Jens’ parents house. Jens was asleep and Robbe was once again unable to. He was on his back and staring at the ceiling fan going round and round and round when Jens’ arm smacked him in the stomach. He had subconsciously rolled over in his sleep, his arm landing on Robbe with his cheek brushing Robbe’s shoulder. He had glanced at Jens’ sleepy face and imagined that he was holding him tight and fully aware of it. Robbe felt his heart squeeze for the first time for his best friend.

Robbe fiddled with the zipper on his jacket. “I don’t know.”

“You could have. I wouldn’t have…-” Jens hesitated. “You know I love you, man.”

And just like that - Robbe felt overwhelming relief wash over him. He turned to look at Jens, this time with a smile that he couldn’t help, and he nodded. “Thanks, Jens.”

Jens smiled back and hit him in the back once before gripping his shoulder. “Now you can invite your guy back to the dorm instead of hiding at his.”

Robbe shook his head, grinning. “Nah, probably won’t. He has a house.”

Jens raised his eyebrows, leaning back in surprise. “A house? What year is he?”

“Third.”

“Damn,” Jens made an impressed face. “Does he have instagram? ”

“Uhhh-”

“Show. Now.”

“No he doesn’t-”

“Yes he does.”

“Jens-”

“Robbe.”

“Fine fine,” Robbe gave in as he brought his phone out of his pocket and opened Instagram. He felt nervous, because it was suddenly becoming more real that he was showing his best friend a guy that he was interested in. He found @earthlingoddity and chucked his phone at Jens chest.

Jens started scrolling, Robbe watched closely as his eyes widened. “Ah.”

Robbe scrunched his eyebrows together, expecting a different reaction. “Ah?”

“Yeah,” Jens hesitated. “I just thought he was with someone else.”

Robbe felt his heart quicken again. “What?”

Jens shrugged. “Yeah, I mean, I’m probably wrong. I was just- uh-” He cut himself off.

“What?” Robbe urged him on, desperate for an answer to debunk the thoughts quickly clouding his brain.

Jens wasn’t making eye contact, he stared ahead at the other skaters. “I was making out with this girl at that party uh, the one where I met Jana, Britt, I think her name was, and she quickly stopped to say that she had a boyfriend.”

“Okay? How did you know who he was?”

“Because I creeped her instagram the next day,” Jens continued. “And she had tagged him in a post. The user ‘earthlingoddity’ is easy to remember.”

Robbe was used to his brain jumping to the worst case scenario, but not like this. A thousand thoughts started racing through his head. His hands were shaking. 

Jens lightly nudged Robbe’s shoulder. “Hey. Dude. Let’s not jump to conclusions.”

“Okay.”

“When did you first meet?” Jens asked.

“Same night as that party.”

“Okay. Did anything happen?”

“Uh, no.” Robbe muttered, remembering Sander leaning against his dorm doorway as he entertained drunk Robbe.

“So, maybe he broke up with her after that.”

Robbed wracked through his brain, realizing that that made sense. Robbe closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth. Jens was right. He was being overdramatic. Maybe Sander didn’t tell him about a past girlfriend because Robbe never asked. Maybe Sander didn’t do a damn thing wrong and Robbe was just letting stupid drama get in the way. 

“You gotta learn to trust people sometimes.”

Jens had told Robbe this many times throughout their lives. It was hard for Robbe to listen.

But he nodded, feeling like the biggest cliche yet.

-

The previous year of Robbe’s life had been the hardest he had to endure. Because his family life had always felt like it was leading up to a thunderous end. Unfortunately being a human being means understanding that the negatives are going to outway the positives. For Robbe, he looked back on his childhood and remembered sitting at the top of the stairs while his parents screamed bloody murder. He remembered the first time his mother had a breakdown and the image of her glazed eyes and sweaty face had been painted to the back of his skull. 

He remembered every time she got bad again, he waited. He waited for his father to leave. And he did, most times. With the door slamming and not even a glance in Robbe’s direction. But it was only in Robbe’s final year of high school that he didn’t return, sending Robbe a single text saying that he had enough. 

Robbe had been conditioned to wait for people to leave. Because he had been right. He had felt it in every fibre of his being that his dad was going to give up. 

Robbe blamed himself. He couldn’t blame his mother, because how could he? His mother was sick. She was beautiful and wise and had so much to offer the world. And she was sick. And his dad was an asshole. And his mom deserved better. And that was the way the world worked.

And Robbe supposed he had left too. So he blamed himself. And he waited for karma to bite him in the ass.

So when Sander walked into his life, Robbe couldn’t help but wait for him to leave as well.

Because Sander was a liminal space. He was unsettling. He was temporary. He was this energy that grabbed hold of Robbe and pulled him into his world and made it grow ten sizes. In two weeks Robbe had been pulled out of his slump. He was happy. He was sleeping. He was present. Not even two weeks, Robbe felt all of this the moment Sander pressed his lips against his.

Sander was working a shift at the coffee shop until five, so Robbe decided to meet him afterwards and talk to him about it. Robbe knew himself, and if he didn’t ask now, he would spiral, and therefore not sleep. He had to know now, and he had to get it off his chest.

His hands were shaking in the pockets of his jacket as he walked up to the door. He stopped, took a breath, and was about to go inside when he caught sight of bleach blonde hair in the window. In the window beside their usual spot.

There were two blondes, in fact.

One was Sander.

And the other was Britt.

And they were holding hands. 

Robbe felt his vision go red.

He felt sick.

And then he was walking away.

-

Robbe had two types of low.

There was the low that was hard to pinpoint a reason as to why he was feeling so bad. It was the low he felt the first week of college. The low where he could name a few reasons as to why he wasn’t very happy but he ultimately knew he just wasn’t in a very good place. The low that thinks too much about the reasons the earth spins and finds himself in liminal spaces and walks campus at 3am. 

Then there was this low. The low that comes from a very specific blow that knocks the wind out of his system and made his hands hurt and the moon come crashing down. The low that called him an absolute fucking dumbass.

He had spent the last 24 hours on autopilot. He skipped his classes, stayed in bed, stared at the ceiling, and let his mind go blank. 

He allowed himself to look at Britt’s Instagram once. And sure enough, there was Sander. But it wasn’t exactly him that caught Robbe off guard, it was her entire feed. They were something straight out of a movie, Sander and Britt. She was beautiful, and blonde, and she liked to make healthy food in her spare time and pick flowers and hang motivational quotes on her walls. She was studying to be a nurse. Robbe planned out the story in his head as if it were a romantic novel.

Girl meets boy in first year of college. It’s love at first sight. Boy graduates and moves on to get a job at an art gallery where he will one day have an exhibit for his own art. Girl gets a job at a local hospital. They work. They get married, both sets of parents are there with tears in their eyes. They have kids. More people cry while Elton John plays in the background. It’s all really quite stunning and picturesque. 

He turned his phone off when Sander started calling him and he hadn’t turned it back on since. 

And so he found himself walking campus at 3am again. Despite feeling like the moon had collapsed, it was still high in the sky. And it was laughing at him. It was reminding him of a time that he had done this exact walk of campus and Sander Driesen hadn’t held his hand yet. 

It was also reminding him that he wasn’t alone, that the universe liked to make Robbe and Sander cross paths one too many times.

Because Robbe suddenly found himself in front of the fountain again, and Sander was standing up abruptly. He didn’t take another step. They just stood there. Sander’s gaze was strong but the bags under his eyes showed something else. 

“Hey.” Sander spoke into the night, a cool breeze the only thing separating them. 

Robbe shivered, and Sander took another step. But Robbe stepped back.

Sander froze, worry etched into the lines above his eyebrows. “Please, you can talk to me.”

Robbe’s heart ached. “No I can’t.”

Sander was as still as the night. “I know how you feel.”

Robbe crossed his arms, hugging himself. “No you don’t.”

Sander looked like it was taking everything he had to not take another step towards him. “I know the feeling that the world is too heavy sometimes. I’ve been there. I can help you through it.”

Robbe was suddenly realizing that Sander had no idea that he knew about Britt. Sander was thinking something else was wrong. 

Robbe took another step back. “I get it, okay?”

“What?” Sander asked.

“I saw you,” Robbe surprised himself by letting out a laugh. “With that blonde girl, holding her hand. It’s okay.”

“Robbe-” Sander looked very shocked, and he was finally closing the distance between the two of them. He tried to grab Robbe’s hands. Robbe shoved him off.

“I was waiting for it, it’s okay, I’m not that surprised, honestly.”

“I’m not with her,” Sander surprised Robbe by still speaking softly. “I barely know her.”

“Why are you lying to me?” Robbe asked, crossing his arms again. “It makes sense, okay?”

Sander stopped. “What makes sense?”

“You and her,” Robbe replied, looking at the cars driving past in the distance. “A lot more than you and me.”

“This isn’t some story, Robbe, this is real life,” Sander was tearing into Robbe with his dark gaze. “Let me-”

“You deserve her Sander.”

“Why are you saying this?”

“Because that’s what is meant to happen in this universe! You’re supposed to be with her, and have a beautiful white wedding recalling stories of your perfect childhood and eat croque’s on Sunday’s and be happy. That’s what you deserve. Okay? It’s okay.”

The world felt very still around them. No more cars were on the road. The wind stopped. The stars disappeared. The moon was overshadowed by thick clouds, and there was not a single bit of movement around them. It was just Robbe and Sander, standing there as Robbe broke into Sander with his words, and Sander’s entire exterior broke.

Sander was very blurry as Robbe realized he was tearing up. When he blinked to clear his vision, he saw that Sander’s eyes were mimicking his own.

“You know nothing, Robbe.”

And then he walked away.

Just as Robbe had always predicted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god i am so sorry 
> 
> anyway. hi guys. so. i’m really enjoying playing with a sadder version of robbe than we have seen. 
> 
> when i started writing this, i just couldn’t get the thought out of my brain that if robbe hadn’t come out in high school, if he hadn’t met sander and had went to college, he would be on a bit of downward spiral. because we saw him in season 3 during the hell weeks... he didn’t sleep, he was miserable, he yelled at people, and inevitably sought out help (which, no spoilers but, stay tuned). 
> 
> thank u for baring with me while i play around with this. and you can blame the february slump for all of the sad. it is going to get happier, i promise. and then sadder. and then happier again. wink.
> 
> also i’ve been wanting to write them fighting for awhile sdflsdf ever since i saw lowkey angry robbe in the moyo minute by minute clip and in the 0.5 seconds they fought in chernobyl
> 
> one more thing! here are a few songs that remind me so so so so much of robbe and sander in this fic. i will add to this each chapter as i find more.
> 
> PLAYLIST: falling by harry styles, lost my mind by finneas, the night we met by lord huron, i found by amber run, for you by seinabo sey (imagine this when they're waking up in the beginning of this chapter)
> 
> writing tumblr: dearsander  
> main tumblr: dearrobbe
> 
> ^ oh look the URL's match


	4. for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heartbreak is a deafening explosion wrecking everything in its path. Because it’s not just your heart that gets broken. It’s everything around you.

Robbe hated his brain.

He felt ridiculous, actually. How had everything been fine a few days ago? Why was he capable of feeling two polar opposite emotions in such a short span of time? His sadness was crippling. He felt it in his hands. When he thought of the reason for his sadness, it sent a spike of pain to his heart, and then to his hands. 

The world was small again. Sander had the power of making it grow and shrink, be filled with wonderment and light and also dark despair. He was no longer the stars shining in the sky but the black around them. 

With Sander, the little things felt good. In a way that didn’t make sense. Robbe left his dorm at 8am to go to class and he felt himself smiling at the ground that once made him feel dread. The hustle of students going to class, the birds flying through the air and the rustle of papers in the morning all seemed to have a purpose when they once didn’t. Little things that gave him anxiety, like the sound of a train at 5am or a student talking about their future, no longer did. Everything just seemed to fall into place because he had fallen into place.

And now, he felt like something had been taken away from him.

Heartbreak is a deafening explosion wrecking everything in its path. Because it’s not just your heart that gets broken. It’s everything around you.

-

Jens became so worried about Robbe’s growing state that he was entering the dorm one Friday evening and throwing clothes at his face.

Robbe just glared.

“C’mon,” Jens was shuffling around his own clothes, stripping down to just his underwear. “It’s Friday. We’re going on a fucking bender.”

Robbe raised an eyebrow, sitting up and compiling the many pages of writings he had surrounded himself with on his bed. He hadn’t been able to stop writing the past few days, finding the only sense of normalcy when his pen hit the paper. He supposed, for the first time since he started college, he was happy he was taking classes that interested him. 

Everything else though, well, everything else was fucked.

“Bender?” Jens looked at Robbe to make sure he understood. “A wild drinking spree?”

“I know what a bender is.”

“Okay,” Jens was pulling on his nicest pair of jeans. “Then you have no reason to not be getting dressed right now.”

Robbe shrugged. “I’m not in the mood.”

“Too bad.”

“I’m serious, Jens.”

“Me too,” Jens said as he picked up a pillow. “Get dressed or I will force you.”

“Stop peer pressuring me,” Robbe flinched at the pillow, knowing what it meant. “Don’t you dare.”

“Say yes, then.”

“Dude-”

Jens started smacking Robbe with the pillow, much to Robbe’s dismay, and Robbe began yelling as Jens climbed on the bed and Robbe cowered in the corner, letting out a choked laugh. 

“Say yes!” Jens yelled as he pulled Robbe’s arm from his face and proceeded to keep smacking him with the pillow.

“Dude-”

“Say it!”

“Fine!” Robbe yelled as Jens stopped, towering over him with an evil expression on his face. “I’ll go on your fucking bender!”

“Marvelous.”

-

And a bender they went on.

If anything, Robbe finally felt like a normal college kid.

The weekend all blurred into one.

Friday night they went to a second year’s house. It was farther from campus than most because the girl’s parents were loaded and let her rent out what might as well be a mansion. Robbe couldn’t remember most of the night, only that he definitely got closer to Jens’ friend Moyo and a newcomer named Aaron. Moyo was a dark skinned first year with a buzz cut and an addiction to pot, and Aaron was dirty blonde, curly haired first year with a desperate need for a girlfriend. Jens’ had met Aaron in class last week and they were already talking about forming a boyband, much to Robbe’s annoyance. Although he had to admit, the four of them bonded over a need to get absolutely wasted three nights in a row.

Saturday had a similar energy except they took up space in Robbe and Jens’ dorm room for a pre-drink. 

Robbe already felt 70% gone.

He was laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling when Jens drunkenly asked the question he had been avoiding all week.

“Dude,” He slurred. “Just text Sander and tell him to come out tonight.”

“No,” Robbe groaned, covering his face. “He hates me.”

Moyo was slumped beside Robbe, his back leaning against Jens’ bed. He frowned down at Robbe, taking another swig of beer. “Who is Sander?”

Robbe sat up, mimicking Moyo’s position and leaning against his own bed. Aaron was above him, laying upside down on Robbe’s bed so that his head was hanging off. Jens was the only one sitting normally on his own bed.

“No one good,” Robbe replied. “Fuck. That’s a lie.”

Moyo looked up at Jens. “Right then, Robbe’s gone. You explain.”

Jens looked at Robbe for confirmation that he could say anything. Robbe felt a brief spike of panic, his own anxiety and the alcohol in his system fighting to win. Robbe only had a second to shuffle through what he knew of Moyo and Aaron, but then he was locking eyes with Jens. It had always been Robbe and Jens against everyone else. If there was anyone Robbe trusted, any person he knew he could count on, it was Jens. And Jens hadn’t flinched when Robbe told him he was gay. And Jens didn’t seem to think it was a secret that needed to be kept from them. So, Robbe rolled his eyes and slightly nodded, the alcohol and logical part of his mind shaking hands.

“A third year he had a thing with,” Jens replied, opening another beer and passing it to Aaron. “Pretty good-looking too.”

Moyo raised an eyebrow. “What the fuck, you’re gay too?” He asked, eyeing Jens.

Jens shook his head. “Nah dude, but I have eyes.”

“Is the blood rushing too much in my head,” Aaron spoke up from his upside-down position. “Or did Robbe just say he’s gay?”

Moyo shook his head. “No, Jens said he’s gay.”

“Jens is gay?”

“No, fuck,” Moyo groaned, covering his face in frustration. “Jens said Robbe is gay.”

“Ohhh, got it.”

“So what happened, then?” Moyo asked, nudging Robbe with his foot. “With Sander.”

Robbe felt the last bit of tension release from his shoulders. Moyo and Aaron were different from their high school friends. He finished his beer just as Jens passed him another one. Jens was determined to not let Robbe be sober for longer than a few hours this weekend. Robbe was grateful for the distraction, even though the conversation had shifted somewhere he didn’t want to focus on.

“I fucked up. Or, he fucked up. I don’t fucking know.” When Robbe got drunk he swore a lot.

Aaron finally sat up, his entire face red. “Text him.”

Moyo barked out a laugh. “Coming from Mr. Desperate over here.”

Aaron looked offended. “How else would they fix shit if they don’t talk?”

“You have to play hard to get, that’s how,” Moyo looked at Robbe. “Don’t text him.”

Jens was looking back and forth between Moyo and Aaron with a disgusted expression on his face. “Okay, Moyo, that’s why you’re single. Aaron is actually right for once.”

Moyo raised an eyebrow. “I feel ganged up on, if I’m being honest.”

Jens was looking at Robbe. “I would text him. Be straight up.”

Robbe suddenly felt nervous, which was the first indication that he was definitely not drunk enough for this. Jens abruptly stood up and grabbed a shot glass and bottle of vodka in the corner and poured Robbe a shot.

“What,” Moyo stood up as well. “He’s the only one that gets a shot?”

“He’s right,” Robbe grinned. “All of us at once, then I will text him.”

Aaron’s eyes widened. “Really?”

“Really.”

“You heard the man!”

They ended up doing not one, but three vodka shots in a row before Robbe finally texted Sander, the screen blurry.

 **Robbe:** cna we tlk?

Everything went black after that.

Robbe immediately regretted the text the following morning, his stubbornness winning over.

On Sunday, the third night of their bender, they decided to start their evening at a bar to avoid over-drinking at the pre-drink. They never left Robbe and Jens’ dorm the night before, eventually passing out quickly after Robbe sent the text. 

So, they did something much more sensible, and started the night off ordering three rounds of shots within ten minutes of arriving. 

Robbe was finding this the only way to get any amount of sleep, even if it was only for a couple of hours each night.

The exhaustion was still evident, though. It was evident in the way he couldn’t stay standing for long, in the way his eyes felt like metal, in the way he had to keep blinking or the room swirled together and threatened to collapse. But everytime he tried to sleep he was met with a panicked feeling in his chest, and then he started thinking about Sander’s heartbeat against his ear when he laid on his chest, and Sander’s lips against his neck, and Sander’s aura that made him feel safe.

Robbe chugged the remainder of his beer. 

But no amount of alcohol would bring back that feeling of home. 

And so, Robbe found himself drunkenly stumbling outside the bar and it was only then that he remembered this was the same bar he met Sander. Once he was outside, he stared at the brick wall that Sander had once leaned against, and Robbe found himself leaning against it and closing his eyes.

“Hi,” A voice made his eyes spring open.

The guy was blonde, but, not in the way Robbe liked. It was a strawberry blonde, the type that looked red in the light. He was very tall, over six feet maybe, and he smelled thickly of weed and alcohol. He was looking at Robbe fondly before his eyes roamed up and down Robbe’s body. It was then that he was stepping forward and Robbe realized that this was more than a friendly interaction.

“Hi,” Robbe replied, backed up against the wall. 

The guy smiled, stopping a foot away from Robbe. Robbe had to crane his neck up to see his face, and he suddenly cursed himself for being small. Then he was remembering Sander calling him small, and the missing-feeling was back and hitting him right in the chest, that heavy feeling that he was so used to drinking away taunting him. His brain was going a mile a minute, going from missing to hurt to crippling sadness and then - anger. 

He smiled up at the guy. “I’m Robbe.”

He really didn’t know how to flirt, he never had with a guy. With girls it was easy because it never meant anything, because if he failed it was easy to brush off. With Sander it came naturally, with Sander it was as easy as breathing. So maybe he had to try a little harder with this guy, so what? He wasn’t about to let Sander control his life. Sander was probably somewhere with Britt. Sander was probably looking at her the way he had looked at Robbe the night they met. Sander probably didn’t need him at all.

The guy was placing a hand on Robbe’s hip. Robbe tried to feel comfortable with it.

And then - the guy was being shoved away.

Replaced by another blonde. This one - definitely, 100% dyed. Bleach blonde, in fact. With beautiful green eyes.

Robbe hated himself for immediately looking at Sander like he had hung the moon.

He quickly wiped the drunken expression from his face.

Sander looked mad. But it was directed at the strawberry blonde.

“Leave.”

“What the fuck, Sander?” The guy was raising his voice. “This isn’t your business.”

“Yes it is,” Sander stood in front of Robbe protectively. His white hair was ruffled, his eyes dark, the dark circles under his eyes prevalent against his pale skin. The leather jacket definitely added to the angry posture he was exhibiting.

The strawberry blonde looked at Robbe, then back at Sander. “I saw him first-”

“Leave,” Sander took a menacing step towards the guy. “I’m not going to ask again.”

Robbe had never seen this side of Sander, but he wasn’t complaining. Although, if he was on the other end of Sander’s cold expression he would definitely be running away. 

Which was exactly what the strawberry blonde did. With one last look at Robbe, he was turning and speed-walking back inside the bar.

There was silence, and Sander didn’t move for a minute. Robbe felt himself breathing heavily, not used to the thick tension hanging in the air. Sander turned towards Robbe, his expression unreadable. 

“Sorry,” Sander apologized. “I hate that guy.”

Drunk Robbe suddenly felt confused. “I don’t need your protection.”

Sander looked off into the distance, not saying anything.

“Am I not allowed to see anyone else?” Robbe asked, moving into Sander’s line of vision. He didn’t want to feel like Sander’s pet. 

Sander’s jaw clenched. “You are.” It looked like it physically hurt him to say that. “But I know him. And you don’t. You can’t just leave a bar with random people Robbe, that’s reckless.”

Robbe scowled. “Reckless? Really?” He felt his voice rising, the anger bubbling in his chest.

“Yes Robbe, reckless, you’re a first year you don’t-”

Robbe scoffed. “Oh yeah, so I’m young and naive, at least I don’t go around kissing people when I have a girlfriend-”

Sander’s voice was getting louder. “It’s not my fault you decided to ignore my explanation-”

“Yeah, you’re wonderful explanation that was a complete lie-”

“You don’t listen!” Sander threw his hands in the air. 

“I don’t listen?” That hit a chord in Robbe’s veins. “All I fucking do is listen!”

“If you listened we wouldn’t be here-” Sander began, but Robbe was taking a step forward, feeling drawn to the energy Sander was exerting.

“If you just stayed with Britt we _really_ wouldn’t be here-”

“I don’t fucking want Britt!”

“Why not?!”

“God, you’re something else-” Sander was taking a step closer.

“Sander-” Robbe shouted.

“Shut up.”

Robbe was connecting their lips first. Connecting, or, crushing, he didn’t care, because he was suddenly gripping Sander’s hair in his fingers and Sander was wrapping his arms around Robbe’s shoulder blades and pulling him closer. Sander was biting Robbe’s lip, and Robbe’s was pushing his tongue into Sander’s mouth, overwhelmed with the sudden urge to be consumed by Sander Sander Sander.

Sander was then flipping Robbe around and angrily pushing him roughly against the wall, keeping a hand behind his head so that Robbe didn’t crush his skull. He then moved that hand to cup Robbe’s face, an odd contrast the way he was kissing him. Sander’s other hand was on the small of Robbe’s back, pressing his body up against his. Robbe brought one hand up to Sander’s shoulder, gripping it tightly in his hand before moving both hands to hold Sander’s head, trying to push his face closer to his lips. Their noses were smushed together, and Robbe let out a whimper at the conflicting emotions he was feeling.

Sander briefly pulled back at that, his eyes tightly shut as he breathed heavily inches from Robbe’s face. Robbe felt the hot air wash over his chin as he matched Sander’s breathing and stared at his lips.

They stood there like this for a moment, noses touching, the only sound their intense breathing amongst the quiet of the night.

Sander leaned forward, his eyes softening as he placed a gentle, soft kiss on Robbe’s lips to match. Something about the tenderness of it all brought Robbe back to the surface as he remembered why he was mad in the first place.

So Robbe finally looked up into Sander’s eyes. “You said it was reckless, to leave with a stranger. But I left with you, the night we met.”

Sander went quiet at that, but his eyes were back to staring into Robbe’s soul.

“Yeah, that probably wasn’t wise.”

That one hurt. Robbe felt it wash over him, panging him in the heart, stabbing him in the soul. He felt like his words had been taken away from him. “Oh.”

Realization crossed Sander’s face. “That’s not what I meant.”

Robbe just nodded, putting two hands on Sander’s chest and pushing him off. Not aggressively, but Sander got the message and stepped back as well.

“No, no I got it.”

“Robbe-” Sander’s apathetic expression was crumbling. “We should talk-”

“No, you’re right,” Robbe nodded again. “This is stupid anyway. We don’t need each other.”

Sander’s eyes looked pained. “No?”

“No.”

Their eyes were locked, and everything was frozen again. Robbe felt the universe yelling at him, repeating over and over again ‘stop’. But he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t move. All he could do was stare into the green eyes that had walked into his life when he least expected it and grabbed him by the throat, the wrists, the heart - and consumed him. But he couldn’t move. 

They may have stayed like this all night if it weren’t for Jens, Moyo and Aaron.

They all stumbled out of the bar in a similar fashion, laughing as Moyo took a blunt out of his pocket. Jens’ was the only one who recognized Sander, stopping dead in his tracks. The other two just kept chatting as they took turns smoking the blunt. 

Robbe was well aware how they looked, standing outside the bar, their hair ruffled, their lips swollen, their eyes hurt.

Jens joined Robbe at his side. “Everything okay?” He drilled into Sander.

Sander didn’t take his eyes off of Robbe. “Just make sure he gets home safe.”

He only glanced up at Jens once as he walked by them, brushing shoulders with Robbe briefly. And then he was gone.

-

Alright, so he had fucked up.

Or, Sander had fucked up.

Or, they both fucked up?

Again, or, as usual, Robbe didn’t know who to be more mad at. Sander, or himself.

With a sober mind he allowed himself to go over the events of the weekend. It was the only reasonable thing to do as he sat in class and tried to stay awake, once again having had a broken sleep the night before. And now that their bender was over, and he definitely could not drink alcohol to help him sleep on a weekday, he was back to his insomniac lifestyle. 

First things first, while trying to be mad at Sander, he couldn’t stop thinking about his lips. They had made out many, many times over the course of the blissful two weeks when everything was momentarily fine, but not like last night. Last night he had felt every bone is his body, every blood vessel, every nook and cranny come to life and swallow him in a feeling of fire and passion. He had felt himself disappearing against Sander’s body, a feeling of pure ecstasy.

Yet he had fucked it up.

Or, Sander had fucked it up.

Robbe internally groaned and leaned his head forward on the desk in front of him. He was so confused, so tired of fighting this battle. He couldn’t focus. He couldn’t sleep.

All he knew was that in his drunken state he hadn’t allowed himself to give into Sander, and what he said had hurt, and he had froze. It hurt too much to imagine that there was even a fraction of Sander’s mind that regretted meeting Robbe, that regretted allowing Robbe into his life. 

But Sander had looked just as pained as Robbe. And Robbe needed an explanation. He needed to stop letting himself get in his own way.

He needed to see Sander.

Sober.

His world couldn't continue until he did.

-

The door to Sander’s house looked like a menacing entrance to a world of dungeons and dragons and crippling anxiety. 

Robbe knew that was dramatic, but that’s what was going through his brain as he procrastinated knocking on the door. 

But inside was a place that felt like home. Maybe by association to the memories of the previous weeks, sure, but he still felt drawn to it. To the walls painted a calming white, to the fairy lights on the walls and the succulents placed around. Robbe missed it.

So he knocked.

The door opened to reveal Noor standing there, her hair tied back in a ponytail, but since her hair was too short there were multiple strands hanging around her face. There was paint smudges on the top of her hands. Robbe realized he was probably interrupting something.

“Hi, sorry,” Robbe began. “I just, uh, is Sander here?”

Noor crossed her arms and leaned against the doorway. Her eyes were soft, but she wasn’t smiling. Robbe got the impression right away that the entire house knew of Robbe and Sander’s separation.

“He’s not, no,” Noor began, looking Robbe up and down. “I’m not so sure he would want to see you, if he was.”

Robbe looked away, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“Okay,” Robbe replied, his voice weak. “Thanks.”

He started to leave.

“Robbe, wait,” Noor called after him. “C’mon, come inside.”

Robbe hesitated. He was one hundred percent sure that was a bad idea. But God, Noor was looking at him now with a comforting smile on his face, and their house had been a place of peaceful serenity when he was with Sander. Robbe couldn’t seem to turn away. 

“Come.”

So Robbe followed her inside.

She led him into the kitchen and turned the kettle on. She put two mugs on the kitchen counter and leaned against it as the kettle started making noise. Robbe sat down at the small table in the corner and took his jacket off, setting it on the table.

Senne was suddenly walking into the kitchen.

“Oh,” He stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of Robbe. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Robbe replied. He wanted the ground to swallow him whole, it was so awkward.

But Senne smiled. “Told you he’d make you fall in love with him.”

Noor frowned. “Senne-”

Robbe shook his head. “It’s fine.”

Senne put his hands up in defense as he grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. He leaned against it for a moment, unscrewing the lid and taking a sip. “Come to beg for forgiveness?”

“Senne!” Noor slapped him in the shoulder.

Senne just chuckled. “I’m kidding. He hasn’t told us much, only that you guys ended things.”

Noor looked hesitant, as if she knew more. “Yes, because it’s their business, not ours, right Senne?”

“Oh for sure,” Senne started walking out of the kitchen, and then with one final glance: “That’s why you dragged him into the house.”

“Hate you!” Noor called after him, but she had a grin on her face.

Noor quickly put together the tea and joined Robbe at the table, placing a mug in front of him. “Go on. Drink.”

Robbe took a sip before placing the mug back on the table, using it instead to warm his hands. He sat back in his seat as Noor watched him.

“You look like shit.”

Robbe’s eyes shot up. “Thank you?”

“I love Sander like a brother,” Noor spoke softly, leaning forward so her elbows were resting on the table. “And I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you.”

Robbe felt very confused. “Why are you telling me this?”

Noor took a sip of her tea, eyeing him. “I’m just worried.”

Robbe shifted in his seat. “Why?”

Noor’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Because you look like you haven’t slept in weeks? Because Sander looks the same? Because I know whatever game you guys are playing is stupid and needs to end?”

Robbe groaned, burrowing his face in his hands. 

“It’s complicated.”

Noor took her hand away, sitting back. “How?”

“I thought you told Senne it was between Sander and me?” Robbe fired back, taking another sip of his tea.

Noor shrugged. “Boys are different. Senne might look at you and just see someone who didn’t sleep well last night, but I’m smarter than him. I know something is wrong.”

Robbe looked her in the eye. 

“I just don’t think I should talk about it with you,” Robbe said. “Considering, as you said, he’s like your brother.”

“And brother’s can be dumb. C’mon. Talk.”

So Robbe spit it out. “He’s with someone else.”

Noor looked very shocked, her eyes widening, her mouth opening slightly. “What? Who?”

“Britt… Britt something, I don’t remember.”

“No he’s not.”

“Yes he is?”

“No,” Noor looked very persistent. “He’s not.”

“Okay,” Robbe scoffed, feeling agitated. “Have you seen her instagram?”

“Yes, and I’ve been telling her to take those down for weeks.”

Robbe raised an eyebrow, his heart rate increasing. “What?”

“She’s-” Noor hesitated. “Look, it’s not my place. But he’s not with her.”

“They were holding hands.”

“Oh god, Robbe,” Noor was grabbing his arm, trying to make him pay attention. “This is so stupid. And high school. Trust me. He’s not with her. Please believe me.”

It was definitely hard to not believe Noor with the way she was looking so desperately at Robbe. He took one look at her eyes and felt his heart sinking. 

“Listen to me,” Noor held both of his hands in hers. “This is between you and him, but you need to understand, you’re good for him. Really, really good. Me, Senne, Milan, we’ve all talked about it. That’s why I wanted to talk to you today. If you guys really aren’t together right now because of Britt… one day I will tell you why that makes me so mad. But today, all I can ask you to do is talk to him.”

Robbe made a mental note, if all of this got resolved, to take her up on that offer and ask her why Britt made her so mad. But for now, he just looked her in the eye.

And nodded.

-

 **Robbe:** i know you’re not with britt. i should have let you explain. i’m sorry. can we talk? please?

But you see, while it had only been last week that the universe seemed to get a kick out of bringing Robbe and Sander together, now it appeared to have changed it’s mind. Because as Robbe sat on his bed, it now having been a solid four nights without a single wink of sleep, Sander was refusing to text him back. Or answer his calls. Or reply to his instagram message even though his profile read “active now”. 

Robbe was leaning against his headboard with his knees to his chest as he hugged them closer. It was snowing outside.

It was 3am. 

The snow was falling in thick furries, painting the ground in white to match the glow of the moon high in the sky. Robbe was watching one flurry fall all the way to the ground before it disappeared and he started again. His eyes were so heavy, occasionally fluttering closed before his heart sank and they sprang open again. He couldn’t explain the sinking at all.

Or maybe he could. If he was more awake. But for now, he truly felt like nothing would be okay again. Because it was 3am and at 3am everything was unsettling. And there was a time when that was okay. When he didn’t feel the weight of the world on his shoulders and he didn’t miss someone so badly he felt like it would kill him.

He wondered if he would ever look out at the moon and the stars and the snow falling and feel okay. He wondered if he had someone to share those with, someone to watch the flurries disappear with, if maybe he would be alright again.

The lack of sleep was definitely a personal record. And he felt so awful, the Earth in a constant state of threatening to collapse on it’s side. He wasn’t in a proper state of mind and he was completely helpless to do anything about it. He needed sleep and sleep wouldn’t come. He never thought it would get this bad, never thought it would reach a point that it became dangerous.

His hands were shaking constantly, his head pounding against his skull, and he could barely eat without feeling sick. 

But it was only now that he felt his eyes welling up. And suddenly the walls were closing in around him, and Jens was disappearing from the bed, and he felt like his body was on fire, and his soul was outside of his body, and he had to get out.

He had to get out.

He only managed to throw his shoes on and some sweatpants. Other than that, he was leaving the dorm in a thin T-shirt. 

The snow crunched under his shoes, and the snowflakes falling from the sky were quickly melting against his warm skin. He stood there, letting it soak him, and he hugged himself as he stared up at the sky. It looked like a painting with the flurries falling, and they started swirling together as well. 

He had to tear his eyes away as a ringing in his ears began. But before he could, he found himself on his knees as the world collapsed. He placed his bare hands into the snow and tried to make everything even out again. It took his hands becoming completely numb before he was able to stand.

He started walking.

God, he felt so cold. But a part of his brain was enjoying the ability to breathe again after almost suffocating in the dorm room. Although, now his breaths were coming out in a different way against the harsh winds that were making the snow dance around him. His nose felt numb.

And of course, Robbe managed to make it to the fountain. His subconscious telling him that maybe, just maybe, he would see him there.

But he wasn’t there.

The water had been drained from it, so it was beginning to fill up with snow. He sat down on the bench and shivered. He rested his elbows on his thighs and grabbed at his hair, trying to calm down. The cold was becoming unbearable. Nothing felt real. And he supposed he liked it like this, the feeling that the world was barely attached. His entire body was violently shaking. He kept telling himself to get up and go inside, but something was stopping him. It was the same part of his brain that refused to believe that Sander wasn’t with Britt. The same part that was too stubborn to do what was best for himself.

“Robbe?”

The voice sounded like an echo, like it was rattling around in his brain and taunting him.

It couldn’t be real.

“Robbe,” The voice was closer. “Jesus.”

There were hands on him suddenly. Something was wrapped around him, blocking off some of the snow.

“Hey, look at me,” The voice sounded scared in his ear. “Please.”

Robbe tore his hands out of his hair and was met with green eyes.

Sander’s green eyes.

Maybe the universe forgave him after all.

Robbe didn’t realize until now that he was crying, the tears so cold against his cheeks he was ready for them to turn to icicles.

And Sander had taken his leather jacket off and put it around Robbe.

“Y-you’re gonna b-be cold,” Robbe heard himself speak.

Robbe was surprised to hear Sander chuckle. “God, you really are something else.”

“I-I know.”

“C’mon,” Sander was helping him stand. His legs felt like they were led. “We have to get you inside.”

“Sander...”

Robbe felt so out of it, so delusional. The only thing on his mind was Sander Sander Sander. He was here, in front of him. All Robbe could think of to do was turn and bury his face in Sander’s neck, wrapping his arms around his warm body. 

Sander was this warm light guiding him home. He always was. 

“Please don’t leave me,” He muttered, his tears soaking into Sander’s neck. He suddenly felt so desperate, so terrified that Sander was going to disappear. “Please.”

“I won’t.”

“Sander-”

“I got you.”

The next half hour passed in a blur of delusional exhaustion, Robbe didn’t really know what was real or not. Sander got him inside the dorm lobby, much to Robbe’s upset. But then Sander was pulling his phone out and calling someone, and then minutes later Senne was arriving with a big blanket and his very nice car. 

“What happened?” He asked as Sander took the blanket and wrapped it around Robbe. “You look awful-”

“Not now, Senne,” Sander put an arm around Robbe and led him towards the car. Senne followed like a man on a mission.

“Dude I thought you were at home-” Senne began again, joining in step beside Sander.

“Senne,” Sander stopped as he opened the car door. “Later.”

Senne seemed to understand that serious tone of Sander’s, because he went quiet and got in the car.

Sander sat in the back with Robbe, rubbing a hand up and down Robbe’s arms to try to warm him up. Senne kept looking at them through the rearview mirror, his eyes full of worry. But there was also a knowing look in his eye, like he had been in this situation a few times before. Robbe couldn’t stop shaking, his insides felt like icicles. But Sander was a fire beside him.

When they arrived back at the house, they were not met with quiet. Milan and Noor were there as soon as the door swung open, and another blonde girl was hanging back. Robbe recognized her face but couldn’t place her. Senne joined her side, running a hand up and down her back as Sander guided Robbe to his bedroom. 

“I’ll make tea,” Milan was announcing. “Anyone else? Tea, tea?”

Sander helped Robbe into some warm sweatpants and a big sweater, and Robbe was still shivering. He felt warmer but his entire body was feeling very numb, not sure which temperature to adjust to. His jaw was having trouble staying still.

Noor appeared at the doorway. “We should take his temperature.”

“I’m fine,” Robbe whispered, hugging himself. 

Milan was suddenly there as well, handing Robbe a tea. It felt so nice in his hands that he didn’t take a sip until Sander was sitting on the bed beside him, nudging the mug to his lips. Robbe felt a wonderful warmth flow through his body.

Noor felt his forehead with her hand. “Okay, he feels fine.”

“I told you.”

“We’re just worried.”

Robbe suddenly felt overwhelmed in a different way. He didn’t feel suffocated by them, it wasn’t a bad feeling overpowering him, it was something else. They were all scurrying around to help him. They didn’t know him that well, only that Sander seemed to have some attachment to him, and yet here they were. He supposed that was what family is supposed to be. What love is supposed to be. Being there for people, dropping everything to make sure someone was okay, even if they didn’t belong. Robbe felt loved in this moment. He felt cared for. Even if there was a nagging voice telling him to feel guilty that they all dropped what they were doing for him, he still felt that feeling. The feeling that screamed.... That screamed family. Robbe had lost that feeling a long time ago.

And Sander had found him and brought him here. He supposed that was love too.

“Alright,” Sander was suddenly speaking up. “I love you all, but get out.”

“Does he need anything else? More blankets?” Milan was asking from the doorway. 

“Maybe a hot bath-”

“You heard him,” Senne appeared, waving them out with his hands. “Leave the happy couple alone.”

Sander mouthed a thank you to Senne as Noor rolled her eyes and followed Milan out of the room. Senne gave Sander one last wink before shutting the door behind him.

Robbe’s body was down to giving one good shake every twenty or so seconds. Sander pulled the covers over the two of them and took the tea from Robbe’s hands and placed it on the bedside table. 

Sander pulled him close, wrapping his arms tightly around his body. Robbe adjusted so his head was on the pillow beside Sander’s, and he looked sleepily into his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Robbe whispered.

“For what?” Sander asked, reaching his hand up to stroke Robbe’s cheek. He melted into the warm touch.

“Just everything,” Robbe said. “For tonight. For the other nights.”

“You need sleep, angel,” Sander whispered. “You’re not making sense.”

Robbe felt his eyes welling up again. “I’m just sorry.”

“Hey hey,” Sander’s thumb stilled against Robbe’s cheek. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You had every right to push me away.”

“I didn’t want to,” Robbe replied. “I know we’re not supposed to need people, but I do. I need you.”

The corner of Sander’s mouth twitched, a smile fighting to stay off of his face, and Robbe felt his entire body relax into the bed, the feeling of relief making every muscle untense. 

Sander whispered as if he was afraid of the words. “I need you too. So much.”

Robbe’s eyes finally started fluttering closed, and this time, there was no panic making them spring open.

“Go to sleep. We’ll talk about it in the morning. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Okay.”

-

Robbe slept for fourteen hours. And when he woke up he felt oddly hungover, but without the nausea and need to eat greasy food. He simply felt like he had been hit by a train and an underlying embarrassment for the stunt he pulled the night before.

Above all of that, he felt happy. 

He only woke up once as the sun started to rise and bathe Sander’s room in a warm honey colour. The bed was empty and, before he could panic and fully wake up, Sander was walking back into the room with a fresh coffee in hand and his sketchbook underneath his armpit. He joined Robbe back in bed and placed a kiss on his cheek before Robbe was passing out again, mumbling a sleepy sigh.

It was late afternoon when Robbe woke up fully. Sander was still beside him, his mug now empty. The second he noticed Robbe open his eyes he was moving to match Robbe’s position and running a hand through his hair. They stared at each other for a few minutes. Robbe noticed the sun was much lower in the sky.

“Feeling better?” Sander asked.

Robbe just nodded.

“I think we should get some air,” Sander eyes were showing slight worry, and Robbe immediately felt on edge.

That’s how they ended up buying two hot chocolates from a local cafe and taking a very quiet walk through the streets. Robbe was bundled in one of Senne’s black winter jackets, it being entirely too big for him with the sleeves going well past his hands. Sander had also tossed him a maroon beanie, gloves and a red scarf. Sander, of course, seemed to be fine in his leather jacket with a grey beanie. 

But Sander was keeping his distance as they walked, the snow crunching under their feet. The sun was setting and the birds were retiring. Robbe felt his heart sinking as worry spiked. 

So Robbe stopped. It took Sander a second to notice before he turned around and looked at Robbe.

“Thank you,” Robbe kept his voice steady. “Again, for last night.”

Sander nodded, his expression still blank. “You’re welcome.”

“But you have to tell me what’s on your mind,” Robbe kept eye contact. “I can’t take the silence.”

Sander looked away, looking like he was thinking very hard about what to say next. “I just want you to be honest with me.”

Robbe scrunched his eyebrows together. “About what?”

“If you don’t want to be here,” Sander began. “You can leave whenever.”

Robbe felt very confused, so he took a step forward. “I don’t want to leave.”

Sander looked back at him, the worry still in his eyes. “You’re sure?”

“Should I not be?”

Robbe stopped in front of Sander, looking up at him.

Sander’s eyes were softening. “You were very out of it last night. I just wanted to check.”

Robbe grabbed Sander’s hand. Sander smiled, pulling him forward to keep walking. They fell in step with each other slowly, hand in hand. Sander squeezed.

“What you saw… at the cafe,” Sander looked forward. “I was telling Britt goodbye.”

Robbe nodded, trying to be okay with that answer. Right now, all he knew was that Sander was here. He was too tired of fighting the universe’s clear need for them to be together. “Okay.”

Sander’s eyes looked very far away, and his voice was quiet. “I know I lied to you, about barely knowing her. I just, I didn’t know - it’s complicated.”

Robbe squeezed his hand tighter, letting him know that he was listening, that he was here, that anything Sander needed to say he could say. He didn’t want to push Sander to say anything he wasn’t ready for. The situation was suddenly becoming more clear to Robbe. By the way Sander looked pained, by the way his voice was on the verge of shaking, but the hesitation to get the words out. Robbe felt stupid for assuming this was a simple case of Sander not being able to choose who he wants to be with.

“Britt she-” Sander hesitated. “There was a time I believed anything she said. Anything she said about me.”

“What did she say about you?” Robbe asked, looking up at him, his hot chocolate going cold in his hands.

Sander looked down at his feet as they walked. “She thought she knew me better than I know myself. It wasn’t exactly a healthy relationship.”

He was getting the impression that was all he was going to get out of Sander about his past with Britt.

Sander stopped and turned to look at Robbe, running a finger over the top of Robbe’s hand and staring too hard at it. “Things were over before that day in the cafe. She just didn’t want to believe me. What you saw was me telling her goodbye. For good. Okay?”

Robbe just stared into his eyes. He believed him. It was hard not to. Robbe had seen this side of Sander twice before. Once in the cafe, when his eyes had gone dark and it looked like he was carrying the weight of the word on his shoulders. The second was the first night they sat by the fountain together.

And now, as Sander looked like he was pushing away some memories he was working hard to forget.

Although, a smirk was forming on Sander’s face. “Let’s just say - my roommates love you because you’re pretty much the opposite of Britt. If you haven’t noticed, they’re a little protective.”

Realization was dawning in Robbe’s mind. He had yelled at Sander that he deserved Britt, that he knew what was best for him. Guilt was a hot cup of coffee being thrown at his face. 

Robbe suddenly felt like an idiot.

“I should have let you explain.”

Sander chuckled briefly, but then the smile was disappearing off of his face. He cupped the side of Robbe’s face, using his thumb to lightly stroke his cheek. Robbe looked up at him sadly, wishing he could turn back the clock.

“You were so quick to believe I didn’t want you,” Sander practically whispered. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize-”

“No I need to,” Robbe insisted. “There’s something - there’s something wrong with me.”

Sander looked upset. “Robbe there is nothing-”

"Please,” Robbe stopped him. “I’m sorry, I need to say something.”

Sander stopped talking and gave Robbe his full attention. He took the drink from Robbe’s hand and placed it on the ground beside them. He wrapped his arms around Robbe’s back and pulled him close. Robbe felt confused for a second, but it was overshadowed by the sudden comfort he was feeling in Sander’s emprace. Sander cupped the back of Robbe’s head against his shoulder. Robbe exhaled, feeling all of the tension release from his body. Sander kissed his hair once and then pulled back.

Robbe waited a second before lifting his head from Sander’s chest. He looked up.

Sander smiled. “Okay. Now you may continue.”

Robbe smiled for a second and then looked away, but he kept his arms around Sander. Then he exhaled one more time before making eye contact.

“It’s been very hard for me to - to believe that good things are permanent.”

Sander cupped Robbe’s neck in his hand and stroked the skin with his thumb, nodding.

“My uh - my mom, she, she had a breakdown last year. I mean, it was coming for awhile but, things reached a boiling point and she was admitted to a mental institution. I was waiting, for, well, for my entire life for my dad to leave her because - because he wasn’t…. good to her, when she got bad. And then he did. And I guess that kind of fucked me up, because, because I’ve just been conditioned to wait for people to leave. Because that’s all I’ve ever known.”

Sander was studying his face, his eyes widening briefly. He looked surprised before he was quick to wipe that expression off of his face and instead focus on placing a kiss on Robbe’s cheek. His eyes softened as he concentrated on what Robbe was saying.

“And then you came along and it just felt too good to be true. I do this thing… this thing where I go against any good thing, I apply pressure until it breaks.”

Sander kissed his forehead. 

Robbe closed his eyes. “I wanted to believe you but something in me couldn’t.”

Sander had a small smile on his face. “We can work on that.”

Robbe studied his face. “Only if you want to.”

Sander chuckled, pushing the hair away from his face. “I want you.”

“I want you too.”

“I’ve been there,” Sander spoke quietly, the sun almost set. The world around them was becoming a liminal space once again, but Robbe didn’t feel unsettled. Not when his home was standing in front of him. “I know.”

“We can work on that too, then.”

Robbe wasn’t gentle with himself, he never had been. But he made a promise on this day that he was always going to be gentle with Sander. No matter what the cost.

He couldn’t wait another second before standing on his toes and connecting their lips. It was slow, and soft, and there was a hidden promise written into their skin. It was a promise that said: I’m holding you and I’m never letting you go. It was a promise that had the universe sighing in relief around them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i, too, am breathing a sigh of relief that they're together again
> 
> anyway hiiiiiiii thank u so much for all of the love on this thing so far. i hope u like this chapter... i think it's my favourite
> 
> PLAYLIST: falling by harry styles, lost my mind by finneas, the night we met by lord huron, i found by amber run, for you by seinabo sey, strawberries & cigarettes by troye sivan
> 
> tumblrs:  
> writing blog: dearsander  
> main blog: dearrobbe


	5. falling in love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you ever worry that… you’ll fall asleep and wake up to find that everything’s changed?”

**Sander:** New feeling inside… it’s a hot certain kind….

 **Robbe:** oh hello you

 **Sander:** I feel hot and cold… down my soul baby…

 **Robbe:** did you just call me baby?

 **Sander:** I can't explain… going out of my mind…

 **Robbe:** mhmmm

 **Sander:** Dizzy in the head and i’m, feeling blueeee

 **Robbe:** noooo not blue :( 

**Sander:** Things you say well maybe they’re trueeeee

 **Robbe:** i’m always right 

**Sander:** I get funny dreams again and again…

 **Robbe:** about me?

 **Sander:** Know what it means but…………..

Robbe was going to run over there and fight Sander because he could not focus on the assignment currently opened on his laptop in front of him. Although, in retrospect, last week the reason he couldn’t focus was because of a horrible state of exhaustion. So, he was happy that now it was Sander sending him a series of David Bowie lyrics.

He put his phone down and was determined to knock out another couple of paragraphs before checking it again. His desk was facing the window, so he had a view of the snow falling against the night. He was bundled in one of Sander’s black hoodies and his legs were crossed in the chair, his socks pulled over the ends of his sweatpants.

He almost met his goal when his phone was buzzing on the desk.

 **Sander:** finished yet?

 **Robbe:** no. and i told youuuu it’s due at midnight

 **Sander:** ok. so you have two hours!

 **Robbe:** yes :(

 **Sander:** why the sad

 **Robbe:** i’m tired

 **Sander:** go go go go go go go go

Robbe sighed, putting his phone down again. He had told Sander that he could not, under any circumstances, see him tonight, even once he had turned in the assignment because then he had to study and it was getting increasingly harder to do that when Sander was anywhere near him. 

**Sander:** don’t forget to drink water

 **Sander:** and eat something

 **Sander:** and don’t stress too much

 **Sander:** you’re so cute

Robbe chuckled at the screen. Jens was doing something similar in the corner, staring at his phone and grinning. Although, moments later he was actually standing up and throwing his shoes and jacket on.

Robbe raised an eyebrow and swivelled his chair around to look at him. “Where are you going?”

“Jana’s,” Jens replied, fluffing his hair as he stared at the mirror. “Her dorm is empty for the night.”

Robbe rolled his eyes. “You’re going to fail. All of your classes.”

“Love the encouragement,” Jens muttered as he opened the door. Before stepping out he turned with a smirk on his face. “Hypocrite.”

“What?” Robbe asked.

Jens shook his head. “You’re going to have smile wrinkles if you keep staring at your phone.”

“Funny memes.”

“Mhm,” Jens was shutting the door but not before yelling: “Tell Sander I said hi!”

Robbe just shook his head as he turned back to his desk.

 **Robbe:** i definitely do not look cute right now

 **Sander:** impossible

Robbe finished his assignment at 11:50pm and was then panicking to upload it before midnight, succeeding within seconds to go. He fell back onto his bed and breathed a sigh of relief, covering his face with his hands.

Then his phone was buzzing.

 **Mom:** SOS

Robbe’s heart immediately began pounding. 

It was a little agreement that Robbe and his mom had talked about. When she felt herself getting bad, whether very down or very out of it, she would text Robbe SOS. It didn’t always mean she needed his help, it was just her way of letting Robbe know that she wasn’t feeling very good. But Robbe, being four hours away from her, suddenly felt very sick to his stomach.

So he tried calling her.

No answer.

Robbe stood up and started pacing around the room. 

No answer.

He sat back down on the bed and put his head in his hands, trying to breathe.

His phone started ringing.

**Sander.**

Robbe didn’t want to pick up in case his mom called him back, but he suddenly couldn’t resist.

“Hi,” He said into the phone.

“Hey cutie,” Sander replied, his voice deep and a little groggy. “Get the assignment in?”

“Uh, yeah,” Robbe replied, checking the screen to see if he had any texts. “I did.”

“Everything okay?” Sander asked, sounding concerned. “You sound different.”

Robbe ran a shaky hand through his hair. He debated saying he was just tired, that there was nothing wrong, but then he remembered he was supposed to be practicing honesty with Sander. They were working on not shying away from the heavy stuff, so Robbe fiddled with a string on his sweater.

“My mom she-” Robbe hesitated, already feeling himself downplaying the situation. “She texted me SOS.”

Robbe could hear fabric shuffling as Sander sat up. “Is she okay?”

“I don’t know?” Robbe closed his eyes. “She’s not answering.”

“Does she live with anyone?” Sander asked. “Is there anyone else you can call?”

Robbe’s eyes sprung open. Her brother. His uncle. Markus. He had almost forgotten that was an option.

“Yeah,” Robbe replied. “Yeah - I’ll call you back okay?”

“Of course,” Sander said. “It’ll be okay.”

Robbe couldn’t help the feeling that swept over him. Even in his slightly panicked state, he felt a warmth for Sander that made his heart stop beating as fast. It was a strange feeling for him, to rely on someone, to have a person in his corner that was seemingly ready to take on the world for him. 

Robbe hung up the phone, not able to find words to express that emotion yet.

He found Markus in his contacts.

“Hey, Robbe!”

Markus sounded happy to answer the phone, so Robbe immediately felt a bit better.

“Hey Uncle Mark,” Robbe said, standing up and leaning against his desk. “Is my mom there?”

Markus sighed. “Yeah, she is. She just went to bed.”

Robbe nodded to himself. “Okay, okay because she texted me SOS and then wasn’t answering my calls.”

“Oh,” Markus said, more alert. “Yeah, she had a bad day.”

Robbe felt his stomach churn. 

“How bad?”

“Well,” Markus tried to find the words. “She stayed in bed for most of it. But she came down to eat an hour ago and then went back to bed, so, I think it’s a low episode.”

“Should I come?” Robbe asked.

“You don’t have to, Robbe,” Markus sighed. “She’s okay here, really, don’t come if you’re too busy.”

Robbe stared out the window, gripping the desk in front of him.

“Okay.”

Markus asked him about college after that and Robbe tried to sound enthusiastic. He was grateful for his Uncle. Robbe knew deep down that if it wasn’t for him, Robbe never would have followed Jens to college. There was no way in hell Robbe was leaving his mom alone with the closest person to call being his father. Things would be much worse without Uncle Mark. So, Robbe stayed on the phone with him despite having piles of notes to go through. But Markus, well, Markus could talk.

“Seeing anyone?” Markus asked. “Girl? Boy?”

Robbe almost choked.

“Uh-” He furrowed his eyebrows, the shock waking him up so suddenly that he felt like he had taken an espresso shot.

“Well,” Markus had a hint of laughter in his first. “Is that a bad question?”

“No it just - caught me off guard?” Robbe’s brain was recomputing, not sure what to make of this conversation. He was not expecting to come out to anyone tonight, that was for sure.

“What’s his name Robbe?”

“Uncle Mark!” Robbe exclaimed, suddenly blushing and covering his eyes with his hand.

“Is it Jens?”

“No, oh my god,” Robbe had to sit down at his desk. “Why is this happening.”

Markus laughed and Robbe wondered how the sound didn’t wake up his poor mother. “C’mon, give me a hint.”

Robbe went silent, tapping his fingers against his desk. Markus was patient on the other end as Robbe struggled to speak. Markus knew him well. Robbe was very bad at getting words out, which was why he got into writing in the first place. It was so much easier to write out his feelings, to talk about the hard stuff on paper. 

But then he supposed, this wasn’t “hard stuff”. This was his uncle asking him about the boy he is dating. That shouldn’t be hard. That shouldn’t be hard at all.

“Sander,” Robbe finally broke the silence. “His name is Sander.”

“I would love to meet him.”

Robbe hesitated. “Don’t tell mom though, okay?”

“You know she will be so happy-”

“I know,” Robbe leaned back in his chair, resting his legs on top of the desk. “I just want to tell her myself.”

“Of course.”

They hung up shortly after that. Robbe took a minute to process what just happened, staring at a point on the desk. He wondered if he would ever get better at coming out, if it would always be another person coaxing it out of him.

He sighed.

He texted Sander that everything was okay, but that he really, really needed to get some studying in. Sander replied with a smiley face, and then Robbe was left to his hundreds of piles of notes. Robbe loved taking notes.

He threw himself into it for a couple of hours, liking the feeling of losing himself in something. It was rare that his school work suffered when he was going through a rough time. Like the previous weeks, he hadn’t let his grades plummet even though he himself was plummeting because it was cathartic for him to disappear into something he was working on. It made him feel better, to some degree, because if everything else was reaching rock bottom at least his grades weren’t. Jens never understood this. Jens was a procrastinator if there ever was one.

It was 2am when Robbe felt his eyes getting heavy and a headache coming on. Robbe organized his notes and put them away, taking a minute to stare at the ceiling. The silence was getting a little annoying, and the lack of Jens was slightly unnerving, and he was beginning to feel claustrophobic. He covered his face with his hands, trying to rub away the headache. He exhaled, not being able to stop his leg from shaking. It was a thing he did when he felt stressed.

He looked around their little dorm and was astounded at the blandness of it all. God, it looked like a jail room. There was nothing on the walls, Jens’ clothes were everywhere, and they didn’t have a single plant. Robbe used to love plants. They made his mom feel better.

Robbe wondered if Sander was awake. Then he remembered that Sander was a proven insomniac like Robbe himself, and he shook his head at his stupidity.

 **Robbe:** i’m very done

 **Sander:** with?

 **Robbe:** studying

 **Sander:** thank god

Robbe’s screen suddenly lit up as Sander started facetiming him. Robbe’s face broke out into a smile as he hit answer.

Sander popped up on his screen as Robbe’s smile got wider. Sander was laying in bed on his side, half his face smooshed into a pillow and the duvet cover up to his neck. His blonde hair was swept across his forehead, crinkling against the pillow. 

“You’re in bed,” Robbe greeted. “Shocker.”

Sander chuckled. “This pillow smells like you.”

Robbe rolled his eyes playfully. “Cheesy.”

Robbe got into bed as well, stripping off his shirt and pants and getting under the covers. The bed looked more inviting now that Sander was making the room less empty.

Robbe mimicked Sander’s position, pulling the duvet up to his neck. “Who do I look like?” He asked as he positioned the phone on it’s side.

“Not me certainly,” Sander eyes were crinkled in a smile. He already had laugh lines. “Dye your hair and then we’ll talk.”

Robbe just shook his head at him, not able to wipe off the stupid smile on his face. What had Sander done to him?

“So your mom is okay?” Sander asked, his eyes getting serious. 

Robbe nodded, pushing his head further into the pillow. “I just worry.”

Sander adjusted so his head was leaning on the crook of his elbow. “Tell me about her.”

So Robbe did. He told Sander about the good memories first, like when she took him out of school to go on a week-long road trip and they spent hours telling stories and belting to pop songs. He marveled at the way his mom was liked by everyone she met, how her beauty was in her eyes and the laugh lines when she smiled. He talked about how he was working on bringing the positive memories to the forefront of his mind, that he so often remembered the screaming matches between his parents and slamming doors and skipping school to be there with her. He told Sander that those memories didn’t make him love her any less, that he loved all parts of her and wished so badly that his dad could have as well. But that he didn’t, and Robbe would never forgive him for that. He added that his dad must have never loved her, because if he did, no sickness would have been too great for him to want to leave her behind.

Sander was looking far away at that last part, staring at the wall out of view. Robbe realized it was probably a bit of a downer, so he decided to change the topic.

“I told my Uncle about you.”

Sander’s eyes widened, he pulled the duvet up higher, looking like he was trying to hide his smile. Robbe couldn’t help but notice how small he looked, all comfy and cuddly in bed. It took everything in him not to run over there and kiss his face. However, Robbe had already ventured out into the cold night before, and it didn’t end well last time. 

They stayed on facetime for the next hour talking about everything and nothing, both too tired to have any meaningful conversation. They had been doing this the past week during the nights that Robbe didn’t spend at Sander’s. It had only been like this once before, with Sander in bed, and every other night Robbe had fallen asleep to Sander drawing, or painting, or reading, or talking.

The first night Robbe spent back at his dorm after him and Sander promised to be in each other’s lives, well, Robbe struggled. And he felt like an idiot as he tossed and turned because his brain felt quieter, his worries lessened, but there was still something there. And then he supposed that while, yes, things were better with Sander, he still wasn’t great at sleeping alone. He didn’t know why.

And Sander being Sander, the mind reader, the warmth and bright light in Robbe’s life, had texted him to see if he was okay, and they were falling asleep on facetime moments later.

And now, Robbe had forgotten all about the worry and panic he had felt for his mom earlier.

And then his brain did that lovely thing where it envisioned a world without Sander, what he would do if he messed it up again. 

Sander saw it on his face. “Hey, come back to me.”

Robbe tried. “I’m here.”

Sander's eyes were heavy as tiredness consumed them both. “Good. What are you thinking about?”

Robbe paused, letting his eyes wander around the dorm again. “How bland the walls are.”

Sander surprised him by laughing. “It is very empty in there.”

Robbe looked back at him. “Maybe I need a plant. Make it less lonely.”

Sander looked at him so sweetly, so delicately. “I’m here.”

“Well, not right here,” Robbe teased.

“The beauty of technology,” Sander hummed.

Robbe watched as Sander’s eyes got heavier and heavier, as they struggled to stay open. Robbe felt his own doing the same, but he only let himself fall asleep after he watched Sander’s breaths even out and his face go completely relaxed. This was the first time Sander had fallen asleep first and Robbe’s heart squeezed. He looked so peaceful. Robbe remembered his promise to himself, to be gentle with Sander. Looking at him now, he wanted to take his hand and go somewhere where no one could ever hurt him, where nothing would make him feel sad or afraid. Robbe supposed, one day they could.

He sighed a happy sigh as he drifted into unconsciousness.. 

-

Robbe finally realized where he had seen the blonde girl later in the week. He was sitting in a journalism lecture, a room filled with at least a hundred students, when he spotted her staring at him with a friendly look on her face. Robbe smiled back, wondering what she thought of him after he was brought to the house a shivering mess.

After class she was approaching him, lightly grabbing his arm to pull him to the side of the hallway.

“Hey,” She greeted, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall. “You’re Sander’s boyfriend?”

Robbe nodded. “Yeah, Robbe.” He smiled. She was very pretty with shoulder length platinum hair and multiple piercings in her ears. She was wearing a long cream coloured coat with stylish boots and mom jeans. She looked like she had walked straight out of a painting in Paris.

“Zoe,” She said as they shook hands. “Senne’s girlfriend.”

Robbe nodded. “I thought I recognized you.”

She nodded as well as students continued to shuffle past them. She checked the time on her phone. “I have one more class so I gotta run, but I just wanted to let you know that tonight we’re hanging out at Senne and Sander’s.” She pointed to her dark brown roots coming in on the top of her head. “This needs fixing.”

Robbe’s face showed complete confusion. ”Uhh-”

Zoe laughed as she pushed away from the wall. “Wine and hair dye. Me and Sander need your help.”

Robbe suddenly felt panic. “My help?”

Zoe nodded as she walked backwards away from him, winking. “See you later.”

Robbe thought about that exchange the whole way back to his dorm. He debated googling it, or texting his mom, because he had zero knowledge on hair dye. Especially bleach blonde hair dye. Robbe was about to text Sander that there was no way in hell he was going anywhere near their hair when a text from Jens popped up on the screen.

 **Jens:** what the fuck happened to our dorm

 **Robbe:** ???

 **Jens:** you almost back?

 **Robbe:** … yeah?

 **Jens:** hurry

Robbe’s eyebrows scrunched together as he quickened his pace.

He was reaching for his keys when the door swung open to reveal Jens standing there with a grumpy look on his phone. “Please, look at the damage.”

Robbe shoved past him, expecting to see their dorm broken into with things everywhere but, instead, he was met with something quite different. 

There were fairy lights lining the walls on both sides of the dorm, above both beds, as well as hanging down in front of Robbe’s desk and lining the window. Robbe stopped dead in his tracks, completely frozen as his eyes widened. 

He spotted something else as well. On his desk was a succulent in a little pot with a note. 

_Enjoy the plant. I named it David. S xx_

Robbe closed his eyes as a grin came over his face. He was remembering what Sander had told him about his assignment, to _“turn a space that made you uncomfortable into something beautiful”_ , and Sander had turned the lecture hall into a galaxy with the fairy lights.

Sander Driesen. An absolute romantic.

“I gave him the extra key because I thought he was going to surprise you with flowers or something,” Jens finally spoke behind him. Robbe turned around. “Not this!”

“Look at David,’ Robbe let his eyes roam around the room again.

“Twinkly lights. We look like freshman girls.”

-

Robbe was leaning against a wall beside the door of the lecture hall that Sander was currently stuck in. Robbe kept replaying the image in his head of Sander hanging the lights around the dorm by himself, that little smirk evident on his face as he went about his sneaky business. He leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes and grinning to himself. 

He jumped when the door opened and everyone began filing out. Robbe waited for a flash of white hair that always stood out amongst the sea of people, but it didn’t come. Robbe frowned and took a step to peek inside when Sander was suddenly exiting and bumping into him.

Robbe almost fell over and Sander had to quickly grab onto his forearms to steady him. “We have to quit meeting like this.”

Robbe laughed and immediately wrapped his arms around Sander’s neck and pulled him into a kiss. Sander smiled into it, chuckling as he held onto Robbe.

“Have a good day Mr. Driesen,” A male voice made Sander pull back as a man came out of the lecture hall.

“Thanks professor,” Sander kept his arms around Robbe as the professor, a man in his forties and a friendly look on his face, shook his head and locked the door behind him. Without another word he walked away.

Robbe looked back at Sander as a mischievous look came over his face.

“Come,” Sander turned back to the door handle and started fiddling with it. 

“Oh god,” Robbe looked around to make sure no one was watching. “Not again. Sander -”

But Sander was already opening the door and smirking, grabbing Robbe’s hand and pushing him inside. Robbe let himself be tugged, rather aggressively as his desperation became more and more evident. The second the door was shut Robbe was spinning Sander around and pulling him in once more, connecting their lips.

Sander stumbled forward as he pushed Robbe against the wall, his mouth moving quickly. Robbe disappeared into the kisses, fingers entangled in Sander’s hair as their tongues fought for dominance. Robbe bit down on Sander’s lip as a noise escaped his mouth, eyebrows furrowed as he became light headed. Sander started kissing Robbe's cheek, then down to his neck as Robbe squeezed Sander’s hair tighter in his fingers, stretching so his neck was more exposed. Sander eventually found his way back to Robbe’s lips and they kissed like the final puzzle piece was back in place, foreheads bumping and eyes squeezed shut as they lost themselves in it.

This lasted until their lips were swollen and Sander’s usually perfect hair was sticking out in all directions. Both were breathing heavily until Sander was chuckling and wrapping his arms around Robbe’s middle, lifting him in the air as Robbe let out a laugh. Sander spun him around playfully until Robbe yelled “Quit it!” as he clung for dear life. He buried his face in Sander’s neck as he was placed on the ground, his arms still around Sander’s shoulders.

He shook his head, booping Sander in the nose. “So, fairy lights?”

Sander feigned confusion. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Robbe raised an eyebrow. “Jens hates them.”

“Hates what?”

Robbe rolled his eyes. “Also, love the name David.”

Sander looked pleased. “Really?”

Robbe played with a strand of Sander’s hair. “Mhm.”

“Then you’re welcome.”

-

Robbe was absolutely terrified.

Given his last few weeks filled with a dangerous lack of sleep, harmful behaviour and self sabotage, he was very surprised to be this nervous over something so miniscule.

Robbe was walking into a local shop with Sander to buy hair dye. 

Sander immediately made his way to the hair section, knowing almost instantly which shade to pick out. Robbe’s nerves must have shown on his face because Sander was eyeing him, holding the two boxes in his hands. “Hey, it’s hair dye. It’s not going to kill you.”

“Okay okay okay,” Robbe called after Sander as he went back to the front to grab a shopping cart, clearly deciding they need more than four hands. “But - you don’t understand. I’m not an artist.”

Sander was laughing as he tossed the hair dye in the cart, quickly giving Robbe a kiss on the cheek. “You think hairdressers are artists?”

Robbe followed behind him. “Yes, actually I do.”

“Cute,” Sander said as they walked down the aisles. “Robbe, do you know how much it costs to get your hair dyed professionally?”

Robbe stopped as Sander added purple shampoo to the cart. “Fifty?”

Sander shook his head, smirking. 

“A hundred?”

Sander raised an eyebrow.

“More?”

Sander laughed, seemingly adoring Robbe’s look of surprise as he planted a kiss on Robbe’s lips and held his face in his hands. “It’s usually a couple hundred, yes.”

“My poor mother.”

“Mmm.”

They continued through the store and Robbe was suddenly very aware of how much he was out of. He, too, needed new shampoo. He also needed toothpaste and it was probably wise to replace his toothbrush as well, but Sander was stopping him when he reached for them. “I have many at home.”

Robbe couldn't help the feeling that washed over him when Sander said “home”. He didn’t reply, instead threading his fingers through Sander’s as they kept walking. While Sander concentrated on the aisles, Robbe glanced up at his face, frowning a little at the darkness under his eyes. While they had been sleeping better these days, they still found themselves awake in the early AM. 

Robbe squeezed his hand. “Noor was complaining about being out of green tea. Actually, so was Milan.”

Sander rolled his eyes. “They’re the worst.”

“Why?”

“Lazy. It’s always me and Senne running to the store.”

Robbe laughed at that, shaking his head. As they wandered around the store, hand in hand, Sander occasionally pressing kisses to Robbe’s head and Robbe taking control of the cart, he couldn’t help but feel like he belonged. It was strange, and sudden, because he hadn’t felt that yet. When Sander brought him back to his house the night that Robbe almost became a human icicle, he had felt like he was intruding on something. The feeling of family was there, yes, but he felt like an outsider. He didn’t feel it when he woke up before Sander and wandered into the kitchen on Sunday morning, or when he met Sander after class.

But now? He felt it. And it wasn’t smacking him in the face, sudden and blatant. It was as if it had been there all along, silently growing in the shadows and it was only now that it was making itself known. It was a feeling of happiness that was so strange, because it wasn’t after a grand romantic gesture or a welcome home party. It was just the two of them, walking through a grocery store, speaking every now and again about their weird roommates and odd taste in cookies. 

It was a moment in time that had seemingly no significance but yet it held everything in its essence. Sometimes it really is the little things in life, the way in which humanity can be so damn cute.

Sander was looking at Robbe as they waited in line. He rubbed his back. “You okay?”

And Robbe smiled, because he really meant it. “I am.”

-

“But really, why do you do it?”

“It’s a way of life Robbe.”

“But, listen, that’s a split end.”

“It comes with beauty.”

“Zoe, yours too, I can see it.”

“Excuse me?”

Robbe was so sick of smelling hair dye he was ready to run out into the cold air again. At least it was fresh.

Robbe had just finished rubbing the dye into Sander’s hair and he was watching anxiously as he inspected the damage in the mirror. He looked oddly impressed, a teasing smirk on his face. Zoe was sitting on the counter, hers already covered as well, nudging Robbe playfully. Robbe looked between the two.

“Well?”

“Well,” Sander turned and placed a peck on Robbe’s lips. “If you hadn’t insulted my split ends I may have given it a 10. But because of that, you get a 9.5.”

Robbe leaned back, raising his eyebrows. “You haven’t even seen it yet.”

He shrugged. “Touche.”

“I bought wine!”

Milan was suddenly barging into the bathroom holding a bottle, looking between the three of them and scrunching his nose. 

“It stinks,” He said.

“Thank you!” Robbe agreed.

“Again, it comes with beauty,” Zoe joked, hopping off the counter and pushing Milan out of the room. “We need glasses.”

Robbe tugged Sander out of the bathroom as well. “C’mon, beauty queen.”

Sander frowned. 

“Beauty king?” Robbe tried again.

Sander strugged. “Maybe.”

They found themselves huddled in the small living room, Zoe pouring everyone glasses of wine as Noor wandered out of her room and joined them, laughing at Sander and Zoe’s slicked back hair. Senne was there as well, laying across the couch with his feet on Zoe’s lap, refusing to put his face anywhere near the dye. 

No one had brought up Robbe’s near death experience again, and he got the vibe this was not the first time they had experienced something of the sort. They were too aware of what to do, too good at pretending it hadn’t happened and knowing exactly how to make sure Robbe wasn’t uncomfortable. Sander sat on the edge of the couch and pulled Robbe onto his lap, putting his lips out in a pout, asking for a kiss. Robbe hesitantly kissed him, avoiding getting the dye anywhere on his face. Sander grabbed the back of his head and tried to pull him closer as Robbe yelled and tried to get away. He ended up with hair dye on his arm. 

“Great, can’t wait to have blonde arm hair.”

Senne was looking at Zoe. “Don’t you dare.”

Robbe decided his favourite part of dyeing Sander and Zoe’s hair was the washing out because, well, he definitely couldn’t mess that part up. They both crouched over the bath tub at the same time, Zoe letting them know that she could do this part by herself. Sander just playfully pouted, raising his eyebrows.

Robbe felt like he would walk the ends of the earth for that facial expression. “You want my help?”

Sander gave his best puppy eyes. “Please?”

Robbe scrunched his nose as he thought about holding back from kissing him, but that proved to be useless, because Sander was pouting and Robbe was pulling him by the shirt and kissing him seconds after.

“Sander!” Zoe yelled from her knees, her head in the water. “Your hair is going to fall out, come.”

So Sander stuck his head into the water as Robbe sat on the edge of the tub and splashed the water onto his head, doing his best to get all of the dye out. He then added the conditioner and massaged Sander’s head in the process, to which he let out a moan. 

“Fuck, that feels good.”

Robbe had to ignore the sound for his own sake.

Zoe was sitting up and wrapping her head in a towel. “I need more wine.” She said as she left the bathroom.

Robbe grabbed the other towel and handed it to Sander as he sat up, splashing Robbe with water. Robbe eyed him. “This is what I get?”

Sander kissed his cheek. “Thank you, angel.”

Robbe turned Sander so he was facing the mirror, standing behind him and rubbing the towel through his hair. Sander was looking at Robbe in the mirror, a look of adoration on his face. Robbe looked between him and the hair, feeling his cheeks go red.

“Did I do that good of a job?” He chuckled as he took the towel off and inspected his work.

Sander was still looking at Robbe. “You’re just cute.” He turned around to look down at Robbe and kissed his forehead. Robbe rested one hand on Sander’s chest and used the other hand to run through Sander’s dampening hair. 

“Damn. I’m good.”

Sander laugh lines were very evident on his face. “Now you can call yourself an artist.”

“Hey, lovebirds!” Milan was calling from the living room. “Noor set up a game of spoons. Get in here.”

Sander spun Robbe around, placing his hands on his shoulders and leading him out of the bathroom.

Robbe loved watching Sander when he wasn’t aware that he was. Sander lit up the room, and Robbe could not be the only one that noticed, judging by the way everyone looked at him. 

Robbe was learning the dynamics. 

Sander and Senne might as well be brothers by the way they look at each other. Depending on the day. The two knew how to bicker back and forth, but it always ended in a joke that sent one playfully nudging the other and a pat on the back. Robbe noticed that Senne had a habit of checking in on Sander, on asking where he was when he disappeared or asking him under his breath if he was doing alright. There was a protective nature there, one that Robbe was still trying to understand. He thought it was because he had grown up surrounded by men suffering from a severe case of toxic masculinity. Jens was getting better, but even he made subtle comments every now and again that had Robbe rolling his eyes behind his back. Their high school friends had been on another level, never focusing on the hard stuff, always keeping their distance for fear of touches appearing “too gay”. Robbe’s dad had a similar nature. Conversation was always kept light and emotions were chucked out the door.

So, Senne and Sander were a breath of fresh air. Robbe loved to see that Sander had someone like that.

Sander and Noor were another sibling combo, but they were also extremely alike. Seeing as they were in the same program, they were always asking the other for opinions on a piece they were working on for a class. Robbe learned that sometimes they played music throughout the house and cleared the living room to set up large easels to put their canvas’ on. They painted together for hours without saying a word. 

Milan was the father figure of the house, always checking in on everyone. He was a bit of a gossip queen, the type to take on everyone's problems and try to find the quickest solution. He was also the only one to ask Robbe how he was doing the day after Incident Frozen 3, only dropping the topic once Sander had sent him a glare.

And now of course there was Zoe. From what Robbe gathered, her and Senne had been dating since the beginning of the semester, the age difference being the same as Robbe and Sander. Robbe felt a connection with her, seeing as they both stumbled into the little family around the same time. She was learning at the same pace as him.

Above all else, Robbe noticed their deep care for one another, but more specifically for Sander. Robbe was most likely noticing the Sander part a little more because he could never keep his eyes off of him, but there was something else there. They loved to check in on him, and they loved to comment on how cute Robbe was with Sander. Robbe thought back to Noor’s comment, “You’re good for him. Really, really good. Me, Senne, Milan, we’ve all talked about it.” 

Robbe had questions, but he was taking it slow. Sander’s light made it hard not to. He was the centre of the room, radiating an energy that you couldn’t help but feel drawn to. He was aware of everyone in the room, of every little detail. He never let anyone be interrupted, never let any teasing go too far. He was by no means the loudest, either. In fact, he was quieter than Robbe anticipated, sometimes leaning against Robbe’s shoulder and going quiet for several minutes, only adding in a few laughs when the rest of the room erupted. Robbe found this the best time to run a hand through his blonde hair and give him a kiss on the head, keeping a hand there for reassurance. Robbe was always the quietest.

Sander was also terrible at talking about himself. He was cracking into Robbe’s firm exterior and reassuring him with touch, with texts throughout the day, with soft questions. And Robbe felt it getting easier. Because he had believed himself to be broken, had believed that it was impossible for him to ever allow someone like Sander to love him the way he did. But as he sat on the couch with Sander’s head on his chest and both of their legs intertwined, quietly watching their friends fight over who won the last round of spoons, the love felt tangible. As if he could reach out and touch it. 

He looked down at Sander’s head on his chest as they sat on the couch, at the way he was smiling at Senne tickling Zoe on the floor. He pushed some of Sander’s hair out of his face. He could still smell the hair dye. “You okay?”

Sander looked up at him with a boyish, content look on his face. “Of course.”

Robbe traced the darkness under his eye with his finger. “1am curfew for you.” He joked, resting his cheek on the top of Sander’s head.

“It’s hard to sleep when you look like that next to me.” He whispered as he nuzzled his face closer into Robbe's chest.

Robbe lightly sighed. This was the pattern. Robbe tried to ease into getting Sander to open up but was met with a light response to counteract. 

But Robbe wasn’t pushy. He never had been.

When everyone finally retired to bed (after Robbe made them all drink water), Robbe was back in his favourite place, Sander’s bed. He pushed his forehead closer into Sander’s neck as he hugged him close, and Sander began tracing Robbe’s face, his ring prominent on his finger. Sander had his artist-face on, looking like he was studying every last detail.

Robbe just watched his eyes. “Do you ever worry that… you’ll fall asleep and wake up to find that everything’s changed?”

Sander ran a finger down Robbe’s nose. “Sometimes.”

“It’s like… when I’m awake, I can follow everything. But it all feels different in the morning.”

Sander was tracing his jaw now. “That’s why you take everything day by day.”

Robbe kissed the tips of Sander’s finger when it found its way to his lips. “Today was good.”

Sander poked his nose. “And we’ll start again in the morning.”

Robbe stared into his eyes and realized that if his days started and ended with Sander Driesen then there would be no road too treacherous to go across.

And the universe would test them with those roads. It always does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a lil break from the angst... hope it's okay that this chapter is almost entirely made up of fluff. for now. wink.
> 
> writing blog: dearsander  
> main blog: dearrobbe
> 
> ALSO this is the perfect visual for sleepy robbe: 
> 
> https://earthlingdriesen.tumblr.com/post/190951212722/stressisnotgoodforthebaby-whatbaby-meimthebaby


	6. ease my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Senne,” Robbe waved a hand to get Senne to look at him. “What’s up?”
> 
> Senne’s jaw was clenched. “Just- keep an eye on him, okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for panic attacks!

Robbe Ijzermans had a love hate relationship with his birthday.

But he always looked forward to it. Not for any particular reason, he just liked knowing it was the day he was born and he was another year older. He would stay up until midnight (much easier these days) and breathe a sigh of relief when the “12:00” popped up on his phone and that was enough. What happened after, whether it be a screaming match between his parent’s or a tense energy in the room, well, that was up to fate. 

The difference this year, however, was that he had Sander Driesen.

And Sander Driesen was anything but subtle.

He had been hinting at his plan all week. It started with a simple “your birthday is on a Friday?” followed by the sneakiest smirk Robbe had ever seen come over his face. After that it was a series of questions and demands. “You’re free the entire weekend?” and “meet me after class, my shift ends at five” and “pack a bag”. Aside from that, they had a quiet week. Sander seemed very tired, blaming it on school stress, so they took it easy. Robbe hadn’t seen him much, not wanting to distract from his assignments.

It was the morning of his birthday and Robbe woke up in Sander’s bed. He rolled over, expecting to pull Sander into a morning hug when he found the bed empty beside him. He frowned, not thinking much of it as he did a cat stretch. He picked up his phone, responded to his mom and Jens messages, and got up to brush his teeth.

He was just opening the bedroom door when he was met with whispering. Robbe had never been a snoop, but, it sounded urgent.

“It’s my choice, Senne.”

“I know, I’m not trying to be like that, you know I would never-”

“I’m just a little tired.”

“Sander, he would understand-”

“It’s my choice.”

“He’s not like her.”

“You don’t think I know that?”

“Sander-”

“I’m just tired, Senne.”

Robbe snuck into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, exhaling the breath he didn’t know he was holding. He felt bad for snooping, but they weren’t exactly being quiet about it. Robbe briefly imagined a world where college wasn’t made up of cramped dorms and small rented houses and if there would be less drama in that kind of world. 

Robbe knew something was up, had known for weeks that there was something the house wasn’t telling him. Robbe’s dad used to point that out. “you’re too observant for your own good, Robbe,” He would say, and his mom would follow it up with “that’s what makes him such a good writer”.

So he observed. He observed the way Senne checked in on Sander and he saw the dislike for Britt on their faces. He wanted to ask but it didn’t feel like his place. He wanted Sander to tell him when he was ready. He had his guesses, though. He juggled with alcoholism, but he rarely saw Sander drink. He thought maybe he had a drug addiction and he just hid it well, or that he had family problems. Regardless, something wasn’t adding up. But he could wait. Sander had told him to take it day by day and that’s what he was doing.

He finished brushing his teeth and took a minute to fluff up his growing hair. He was wearing one of Sander’s shirts, the one with a building on it, and a pair of comfy sweatpants. He paused at the door, listening if the coast was clear, and then he was slowly opening it.

He peaked around the corner and jumped.

Sander was standing there holding a cup of coffee with a grin on his face. Robbe’s eyes wandered to the mug.

It said _Happy Birthday, Robin_ , painted on in beautiful calligraphy. 

Robbe let out a laugh and immediately wrapped his arms around Sander’s neck, planting a kiss on his lips. Sander stumbled and the coffee spilled down his arm.

Sander snorted. “Happy birthday.”

Robbe ignored the spilled coffee. “My artist.”

Sander raised his eyebrows as Robbe took the mug from him. “This is only the first surprise. You packed?”

Robbe took a sip as he stared at Sander. “Yes. And I am terrified.”

Sander waggled his eyebrows as he brushed past Robbe to go back to his bedroom. Robbe watched him as he shuffled around the room, taking in his slow movements and his still-tired eyes. Robbe leaned against the doorway. He didn’t have class for another hour, but he was instructed to bring his bag of stuff and go straight to Sander’s work and they would leave from there. Sander didn’t have class today, but his shift started soon.

Robbe cleared his throat. “Sleep okay?”

Sander shrugged, avoiding eye contact. “Yeah.”

Robbe nodded, looking down at the coffee and tracing the rim of the mug. Sander was putting on a black shirt and throwing his barista apron over his shoulder. He planted a kiss on Robbe’s cheek before brushing past him again to enter the bathroom. Robbe didn’t move for a minute, taking another couple of sips of coffee before turning around and peaking into the bathroom.

Sander was mid-brushing his teeth, but he was staring tiredly at the sink in front of him, his toothbrush frozen in his mouth. He looked very far away. Robbe realized he didn’t see him, so he purposely tapped the wall as he fully entered the bathroom, not wanting Sander to feel uncomfortable. Sander immediately put on a smile and finished brushing his teeth. His eyes, though, he couldn’t cover up the way they looked heavy and red.

Robbe rubbed his back. “You sure you’re up for work?”

Sander chuckled, but it sounded forced. He held Robbe’s face in his hands and looked at him. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Robbe wanted to ask. So, so badly. But there was something Sander didn’t feel comfortable telling him, so Robbe felt it was more productive to just keep leaving space for him to speak. He would wait forever, if he had to. 

So Robbe just kissed him. Then kissed his cheeks. Then his nose. And Sander’s smile finally looked genuine. “You’re going to make me late, birthday boy.”

“Will you be making up for it tonight?” Robbe guessed, searching for a hint as to where they were going.

Sander gestured for Robbe to lead the way out of the bathroom, so he did, walking him to the door. 

“You’ll see,” He teased.

Robbe nursed his coffee as Sander threw on his leather jacket and touched his lips twice, asking for a kiss. So Robbe put the coffee down on the key table and gave him a peck before deciding that wasn’t enough, and then he was standing on his tippy toes and hugging Sander’s shoulders, deepening the kiss.

Sander reciprocated, seemingly forgetting that he had anywhere to be as he pulled Robbe closer and used one hand to cup the back of his head. Robbe couldn’t help the smile that broke out on his face, making Sander smile into it as well.

“I really have to go.” He said with a pout.

Sander pulled away, holding his hand until the very last second. Robbe only closed the door once Sander let go.

Robbe turned around, not able to wipe the smile off of his face.

“Hey, uh, Robbe?” Senne called him from the kitchen.

Robbe picked up his coffee and tried to make his face look less ecstatic as he wandered into the kitchen.

He found Senne leaning against the fridge with his arms crossed, a concerned look on his face. Robbe leaned against the wall entering the kitchen, raising an eyebrow. Senne looked like he was having some kind of moral battle in his head as he opened his mouth to speak and then closed it again. Robbe was patient, but Senne was looking very blank-faced.

“Senne,” Robbe waved a hand to get Senne to look at him. “What’s up?”

Senne’s jaw was clenched. “Just- keep an eye on him, okay?”

Robbe looked back at Senne’s serious gaze, suddenly understanding the moral battle. He wasn’t about to ask about their overheard conversation, but he wanted to say something to ease his mind. “I will.”

Senne gave him a smile that looked wrong on his face. “You’re a good guy, Robbe.”

Robbe shifted his weight on his feet, offering a sad smile. “I try.”

Senne approached and patted him on his back. “And happy birthday,” he said before brushing past. Robbe was left to stare into the empty kitchen.

-

Robbe wondered to himself if he would ever get used to this feeling.

Sander’s shift ended at five and Robbe arrived ten minutes early, his backpack filled with a few pairs of underwear, some jeans and a couple of tops. The snow was beginning to melt and the sun was starting to set. Robbe caught sight of the boy with the bleached blonde hair through the window, smiling at a customer as he handed her a drink and Robbe felt frozen, not wanting to go in yet. He stood by the window and watched, remembering a time that he had done something very similar but the green eyes didn’t know him yet. Sander’s movements were slow, his hair ruffled, his eyes indicating that he was very done with his shift, but he was still able to be friendly with the customers. Robbe smiled to himself.

Sander's eyes found him through the window and they immediately lit up. Robbe winked at him, and Sander held up a hand to let him know that he would be out in five minutes. 

Once his shift was over, Robbe watched as Sander stuffed his apron into his duffel bag and threw on his leather jacket, running a hand through his hair as he joined Robbe outside. Sander stopped in front of him, grabbing Robbe’s hand in his and pulling him forward. Robbe lifted his head, waiting for a kiss as Sander’s eyes playfully roamed from his lips to his eyes and back again. Robbe pouted as Sander snorted and finally joined their lips softly.

“You ready?” He asked, pulling away far too soon.

“For?” Robbe asked softly, still lightheaded from Sander’s teasing kiss, and lifted their hands to kiss the top of Sander’s.

Sander tugged him forward to the side of the building, and Robbe’s eyes widened. Leaning against the brick wall were two bikes.

Robbe felt the grin sweep over his face. “We’re going for a bike ride?”

Sander grabbed the handle bars of one of the bikes and started straddling it, so Robbe did the same. Sander grabbed a pair of gloves from his leather jacket pocket and put them on his hands. It wasn’t as cold as previous nights, but the sun was going down, so Robbe was grateful he had bundled.

“This is surprise number two,” Sander said as he started riding down the stone road. “Surprise number three is next.”

Robbe just stared after him before Sander was turning his head around and gesturing with his head. “Come.”

And Robbe had the sudden, painstakingly obvious realization that he would follow Sander Driesen anywhere. Through fire, through water, through thick and thin. Robbe shook his head, his chest warm, and peddled after him.

Robbe briefly forgot there was such a thing as worry as they rode through the streets. The sun was on the edge of the world, looking ten sizes bigger than usual, a brilliant orange. They were riding towards it and the brightness was beginning to make Robbe’s eyes water, but he didn’t care. It was casting the sky in a pink glow, radiating out against the blue of the sky that was quickly fading. Sander’s white hair looked silver as the wind pushed it backwards, and his skin was also glowing. He still looked tired but he was incapable of looking any less beautiful to Robbe, the crinkles beside his eyes evident at all times. Even when he wasn’t smiling.

Robbe pedaled faster, reaching his hand out once he was beside Sander. Sander reached forward to grip Robbe’s hand in his as he almost fell over. Robbe barked out a laugh as he, too, almost stumbled off of his bike.

He didn’t know where they were going, he didn’t know why this fire of a human being had stumbled into his life and how he could possibly be the one that deserved him. But he was. Sander looked at him like he was the only person in the world, like Robbe was the last piece of the puzzle. And Robbe believed him. He finally, without a doubt, believed him. Because all of this had to be for a reason. The way Sander made him feel, the way he started a fire in Robbe’s chest that had caught in a matter of days, the way that fire spread to his hands, his neck, his face. The way it was reflected in Sander’s eyes every time Robbe laughed, or the moment before he fell asleep and the moment he opened his eyes in the morning. Sander had caught fire too. They were apart of the chaos, apart of the sun casting them in a glow. It all had a reason. It all had a purpose. 

And as they chased the sunset, Robbe couldn’t imagine that flame ever going out.

-

Sander’s third surprise was a hotel room.

“Figured we needed a break from roommates for one night, yeah?” Sander said as he hit the breaks on his bike, his hair sticking out in all directions and his cheeks pink from the cold air. Robbe imagined he looked similar.

The hotel room was beautiful, and Robbe made a mental note to ask Sander how he afforded this later, and if he had used all of his savings from the coffee shop. The walls were a pale blue, the bed in the middle a super king size, and there was a door that led to a huge bathroom with a marvelous white bathtub. Robbe stood in awe as his eyes roamed the room, Sander immediately heading towards the champagne and popping the bottle. Robbe laughed at Sander’s face as some spilled down the sides and onto the hardwood floor. 

Robbe was pulling him in seconds later, grabbing his head in his hands and pulling him in for a fierce kiss, his hands sliding down to cup his neck. Sander kissed back rather slowly. 

“Happy birthday.”

Robbe deepened the kiss, leading them over to the huge bed in the middle of the room. They fell sideways onto it, Robbe pushing off his shoes with his feet. He had his hand on Sander’s cheek, cradling it gently, a contrast to the way their lips were fighting for dominance. They sat up and he stripped his coat, and then Sander’s, but it was only when Robbe started grabbing for his shirt that he realized Sander had stopped moving.

Robbe froze with his shirt half off. “Everything okay?”

Sander nodded, scratching his arm. He was leaving red marks where his nails had dug in. His eyes almost looked black as they concentrated very hard on the duvet beneath them. 

Robbe put his arms back through his shirt and gripped Sander’s knee, using his thumb to stroke across the black jeans. Sander still wasn’t looking at him, and his face was impossibly blank.

They had slept together a few times before this, so Robbe knew he wasn’t the problem. This was something else. Worry was a hand grabbing hold of his insides and twisting them. Robbe just wanted Sander to look at him. He also didn’t want Sander feeling awkward, or pressured to have sex simply because it was Robbe’s birthday. 

“Hey,” He whispered, gripping Sander’s knee. “I want to use the bathtub.”

Sander’s eyes wandered over to him, looking hesitant, as if he was waiting for Robbe to ask. Robbe just nodded towards the bathroom.

“I’m going to fill it up,” He said as he gave Sander some space.

As Robbe turned the bath taps on and added the bubble bath sitting on the edge, a lovely vanilla scent, he scratched at the back of his hair in nerves. He had never been in a relationship before, but he knew communication was important. But he also knew that if you push someone too far they are going to distance themselves, and Sander had to know Robbe was aware something was up.

Sander eventually wandered into the room, his eyes slightly more aware, and stripped down. Robbe did the same as they both eased their way into the hot water. 

Sander’s eyes widened. “This is scorching.”

Robbe groaned as his shoulders were all the way in and he felt on fire. “I like it like this.”

“Okay, ice-boy,” Sander splashed him.

“Look,” Robbe joked as he sank deeper so the water was up to his chin. “I’m just a head.”

Sander let out a laugh, the type that was sudden, as if even he didn’t expect it. Sander moved closer and cupped the back of Robbe’s neck, pulling him in. Robbe immediately forgot about everything else.

They made out in the bathtub until Robbe couldn’t feel his lips. He made sure to keep it strictly kissing- if that’s what you could call what they were doing. Robbe’s hair had been tugged in every direction, Sander’s grip impossibly eager. Robbe had kissed every part of Sander’s neck, he gripped his shoulders between his hands and bit down on Sander’s lip until he was groaning. 

And Sander was kissing him like he was scared of slipping away. Robbe opened his eyes briefly to see Sander’s face scrunched together as if he was concentrating hard, like Robbe was the anchor and if he let go he would disappear. Sander was holding on for fear of something and Robbe wished he knew what.

Almost all of the bubbles were gone by the time they were done, and both of their faces were drenched in sweat from the heat of the water but also the ferocious way they were kissing.

When they finally got out of the tub, wrapping towels around their middle, Robbe grabbed the bottle of champagne and wandered over to the window, looking down at the view. The window stretched from the floor to the ceiling. He took a swig of the bottle. Sander joined him by wrapping his arms around Robbe’s middle and kissing his cheek. Robbe closed his eyes, breathing in the moment. Sander took the bottle from Robbe’s grip and took a sip as well. He placed it on the ground when he was done, wrapping his arms around Robbe’s chest again tightly. Robbe brought his hands up to hold Sander’s forearms, kissing the skin there.

They stood like this, staring out at the view. The night had gone dark. Their hotel room was pretty high up, the lights of the world stretching on for ages. Robbe felt his heart jump as happiness washed over him.

“Thank you,” He whispered. “For all of this.”

Sander nodded behind him, kissing the side of his head, his voice groggy against his ear. “You deserve the world.”

Robbe stroked Sander’s arms against his chest. He chuckled. “I don’t know about that.”

Sander placed more kisses on his head, then down to his neck. Robbe closed his eyes again as goosebumps covered his body. “I wish I could give it to you.”

Robbe frowned, finally turning around. Sander kept looking out at the view. Robbe wrapped his arms around Sander’s middle, looking up at him. “You already have.”

Sander ran a hand through Robbe’s hair as he stared at his face. “Come.”

Sander led him back to the bed, pulling him close. Robbe had his arm across Sander’s chest and his head in the crook of his neck. The silence was thick as Robbe listened to Sander breathe. He wished he could say he felt completely content, but he knew Sander wasn’t in the greatest mindset. 

The realization hit like a pound of bricks, sudden and blatant again. A few weeks ago, if Sander had been acting like this, Robbe would have immediately assumed he was the problem. He would have felt insecure, coming up with a hundred reasons as to why he should be distant and put up a wall. But now it was different. Now he felt something he had long since forgotten how to feel.

Trust.

He played with Sander’s fingers that were laying near Robbe’s head on his chest.

“I’m here,” Robbe whispered. “Okay?”

Sander didn’t respond, but Robbe knew he understood by the exhale that he tried to stifle.

Robbe drifted off to sleep.

-

Robbe woke up very confused.

At first, he thought he was in his dorm, because it was still pitch black and he rarely woke up in the middle of the night at Sander’s house. 

Secondly, he still felt exhausted, so there was no way it was morning.

By the time he had gained his bearings he was already sitting up.

Sander was as well. His legs were hanging off the bed, his elbows rested on his thighs and his head in his hands. Robbe squinted, trying to adjust his eyes. When everything became less blurry he realized that Sander was breathing heavily, his back rising and falling far too quickly. 

Robbe immediately recognized this as a panic attack.

He slowly shuffled over, not touching him just yet, and mimicked Sander’s position beside him. 

“Go back to sleep,” Sander’s voice was pained, his face covered by his hands.

“I’m not doing that,” Robbe said, leaning his own elbows on his thighs and his cheek against his hand, looking at Sander. He moved so their knees were touching, starting with small contact.

“Please.”

“I’m not doing that,” Robbe repeated, whispering.

Sander gripped his white hair in his fingers, his eyes finally exposed. Robbe had never seen his eyes look so hurt as they welled up with tears. Sander’s breathing increased.

“Fuck, I can’t, I can’t breathe-” Sander started panicking.

“Hey,” Robbe sat up. “Can I touch you?”

Sander finally looked at him, his eyes wide and far away. He nodded, covering his face again and pulling his knees up to his chest. Robbe sat cross legged beside him, doing his best to turn him so that they were facing each other. Robbe’s heart was pounding as well, running on adrenaline as he went back in his brain and remembered what he had done the one time he watched his mom have a panic attack. He had done his research after that, never wanting to be unprepared again. He was thanking past Robbe right now.

“Sander,” Robbe whispered, keeping his expression light. “Give me your hand, hey, c’mon.”

Robbe gently grabbed one of Sander’s hands so that his face was uncovered, and he brought that hand towards Robbe’s own heart. He covered the hand against his chest with both hands and squeezed. 

“Feel that?” Robbe asked. 

Sander nodded, his cheeks wet with tears. His green eyes were the brightest they had ever been, and he was back to avoiding eye contact. He stared at his lap as he went cross legged as well, his breaths coming out short and quick.

“Okay,” Robbe said patiently. “Try to match your heartbeat to mine.”

Sander just squinted and shook his head.” “I can’t-” He tried inhaling. 

“Just try,” Robbe whispered, taking Sander’s other hand and covering Sander’s own heart with it. “Yours is like a jackhammer, mine is slightly less because I’m worried, but-”

“I’m ruining your birthday-” Sander heartbeat picked up. “I’m-”

“That isn’t helping,” Robbe leaned forward to make eye contact. “Also it’s past midnight.”

“Robbe-”

“Sander,” Robbe was still whispering, but his voice was more assertive. “The heartbeats. That’s all that matters, okay? I’m right here.”

So Sander closed his eyes and concentrated, a single tear falling down his cheek. Robbe had one hand over Sander’s chest and the other over his, so he squeezed both hands. Robbe tried calming his own heartbeat, taking slow, deep breaths.

Robbe kept his eyes on Sander the entire time, making sure he wasn’t getting worse. The moonlight was shining through the window, as if it was watching over them. Robbe felt oddly comforted by its presence, Sander’s hair appearing to be apart of the moon’s glow. These days the moon reminded him of Sander.

When Sander finally opened his eyes, he inhaled and exhaled fully, as if it was the first full breath he had taken in hours. Sander took his hand off of his own heart so Robbe did as well, but Sander’s kept his other hand over Robbe’s heart. Robbe brought his free hand up to wipe the tears on Sander’s cheeks as he leaned into the touch. Robbe moved that hand to Sander’s neck and left it there, lightly stroking the skin.

“I’m sorry,” Sander apologized, his voice weak.

“Remember what you told me,” Robbe replied. “About not apologizing for things like this? That should apply to you too.”

“It’s easier to give advice,” Sander spoke sadly. “I’m sorry-”

Robbe squeezed his neck, moving his face so their noses were almost brushing. “Hey.”

Sander was looking at him so vulnerably, Robbe wished he could make him believe that he didn’t have anything to be sorry for. Robbe’s heart squeezed because he wanted to know who made Sander believe he had to apologize for a panic attack, who made him feel like a burden. 

“If you want to talk about it,” Robbe spoke slowly, “... we can. But if you don’t, we can get back under the covers and go back to sleep.”

Sander looked away, staring towards the window. He didn’t look like he was seeing anything, his eyes glazed.

Robbe squeezed Sander’s hand over his chest again as they sat in silence. Sander looked like he was having a battle in his mind, occasionally wincing before going blank again. His eyes were constantly moving, back and forth back and forth. It was like Robbe’s heart was an anchor to him, like he was holding it in the palm of his hands to avoid panicking again. After twenty minutes of this, Sander finally moved. He crawled back to the middle of the bed and got under the covers. Robbe followed, resting his head on his arm. 

Sander stared up at the ceiling as Robbe watched. Finally, Sander moved to rest his head on Robbe’s chest. Robbe wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close and kissing the top of his head. Sander fiddled with the angel pendant around Robbe’s neck. It was as if he was surrendering.

“I have to tell you something,” Sander said, his voice groggy.

“Okay,” Robbe ran a hand through Sander’s hair.

Sander’s jaw clenched, his neck strained. Robbe could see the vein there prominent against his skin.

“I’m bipolar.”

Robbe felt the shock of it wash over him immediately. Sander was bipolar. Robbe nodded to himself, letting the word resinate. It was the answer to a lot of questions, the elephant shrinking in the room. It was the thing Sander was so terrified of telling him, the thing he had held against his chest for weeks now.

Above all else, it was another part of Sander that made him Sander. It was a part of him, something that had always been there, that was no different now that Robbe was aware of it.

“I- oh,” Robbe began. “Thank you.”

“It’s a mental illness,” Sander told him.

Robbe nodded. “Okay. Thank you for telling me.”

“You can leave if you wa-” 

“Not a chance.”

“I understand if it’s a shoc-”

“I’m not leaving.”

“But you can-”

“I’m not leaving. I’m going to hold you,” Robbe whispered, pulling Sander closer. “And I’m not going to let go. Okay?”

Sander nodded against Robbe’s chest, unable to do more. 

-

Robbe woke up for a second time in that hotel bed to the space beside him empty.

Except this time, Sander was nowhere to be found. 

Robbe was up in seconds, checking the bathroom, the closet, the hallway, looking out the window. This could not be happening. He picked up his phone. No texts. This could not be happening. He cursed himself for sleeping so soundly when Sander was next to him, or, in this case, believed him to be next to him. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and tried to calm down, tried to think rationally, when he spotted a note on the bedside table that he must have missed in the midst of his panic.

It was folded. In Sander’s handwriting, it said _Robbe_. The writing wasn’t like his usual calligraphy. It was rough, and jagged, and the paper looked beaten. Robbe knew before he began reading what this meant.

_**To Robin:** _

__

__

_I’m sorry. I know you don’t want me saying that, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for ruining your birthday. I’m sorry that you have been loving, and gentle, and good, and yet I’m doing this to you. I’m sorry for doing the thing you were so afraid of. But I have to leave._

_I have to go. I have no choice. After you fell asleep, I took a moment to stare at your peaceful face and imagine what you’ve been through, and what you will go through with me in the future. I can’t do that to you. I’m toxic. Everything I touch breaks. I meant it when I told you that you deserve the world. I can’t give that to you. All I do is hurt people._

_I’m not a writer. I don’t know how to convince you that you are better without me. So please just believe it. Take this letter, and move on._

_Thank you for every moment. Thank you for making me laugh, and smile, and be with me for as long as you did. There are words I wish I could say._

**_Sander_ **

Robbe didn’t realize he was repeating “what?” to himself in the empty hotel room.

Robbe was tired.

Not because he had a broken sleep. Not because he had closed his eyes and felt it in his gut that something bad was going to happen. Not because he was an insomniac, or because he had a difficult relationship with sleep. He was tired because the universe had been pulling them together, then pushing them away, and Robbe was tired of it trying to convince him that people will leave. 

Because some people walk into your life and it’s without a doubt in your mind that they are going to be important. Some people grab you by your soul and it’s like something simply falls into place. All puzzle pieces have a place, no one gets left behind. 

Sander was his puzzle piece. 

And Robbe didn’t believe that letter for a damn minute. And there was a time he would have. There was a time that note would have sent him spiralling and broken him to the point of no return. There was a time he would have stayed awake for days pondering over the words and walking campus at 3am because of it. There was a time, and that time was no longer.

So with blinding courage, Robbe put his clothes on. He packed his bag. He got on that bike.

And he pedalled until he couldn’t feel his legs.

-

Robbe pounded on the door to Sander’s house. He immediately recoiled, feeling bad because of his roommates, but his hands were shaking. Not from fear, but from adrenaline.

Noor was swinging the door open. Her hair was tied back again, and she had no makeup on. She looked exhausted, standing there in sweatpants and a big sweater. She smiled sadly at him, but continued blocking the doorway.

“Hi,” She said, looking uncomfortable.

Robbe tried pushing past her. “I need to see him.”

“Robbe-” She kept blocking him, putting her hands on his chest.

“Is he here?” Robbe asked, trying to see into the house. 

“Robbe, please!” Noor raised her voice, but she immediately softened. “Let me grab my coat, and we’ll go for a walk okay?”

“What?” Robbe asked, feeling angry. “No, I need to see him-”

Noor grabbed the front of his jacket and pushed him backwards, it wasn’t aggressive, but he stepped back. She shut the door behind him and spun him around, leading him to the driveway. “Please, just stay here. I’ll be right back.”

She was looking up at him so seriously that it was hard not to listen. Robbe closed his eyes and breathed as she slowly retreated back into the house. He tried to calm down, knowing he was being too much. But he wasn’t understanding why they weren’t letting him in the house. The feeling of family was quickly disappearing as he felt excluded from whatever was happening.

Noor was leaving the house once again, this time with her leather jacket on, a beret and shoes. She was pulling gloves on as she joined him, walking right past him. Robbe sped up, falling in step with her.

“He’s here,” Robbe asked, suddenly worried he hadn’t come home. “Right?”

Noor nodded, staring ahead as they walked slowly. “Yes.”

Robbe was reminded of the last time he had gone for a walk near Sander’s house. It was after Sander found him freezing to death on campus. It felt so long ago now.

“He doesn’t want to see you,” Noor continued, looking sad. “Listen. There’s some things I can’t say, because it’s his to tell- but. I- dammit.”

Robbe recognized her struggle. “Noor, he told me that he’s bipolar.”

Her head whipped around to look at him, stopping in her tracks. Robbe stopped as well.

“Oh,” She looked relieved. “Last night?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” She nodded, continuing to walk. “I wasn’t sure- he came home, knocking on the door at like 6am. Scared the shit out of us.”

That made Robbe feel sick. He imagined Sander, writing that note and leaving, all before the sun came up. 

“He didn’t say much,” Her voice was quiet. “He went straight to bed, but, he told us to not let you in if you came by.”

They were near a park now, it was empty. The weather was still cold, too cold for kids to be playing out in. Robbe’s legs felt weak, so he sat down on one of the benches. Noor joined him, staring ahead at the empty playground.

“Senne could see it in his eyes that a low episode was coming on,” Noor spoke again. “Not that- not that we should assume. We’re trying really hard, you see,” She sighed, looking like she was being very careful with what to say next. “One of the things Britt did when he got bad, whether high or low, or anything in between, actually, is blame everything he did on his mental illness.”

Robbe looked at her as she spoke, realization hitting him once again. Sander had told him that Britt made him feel like she knew him more than he knew himself.

“Anyway,” She continued. “It made us so mad, me, Senne and Milan. Because she treated him like a child at times. Innocent things like his love for Bowie, or making multiple paintings of the same thing, she would say he was having an episode. So we try, you know, to be the opposite of that. Because it was so awful. I think Senne was worried about him this weekend because he looked so tired, and he knew that Sander hadn’t told you about it yet, so he didn’t want Sander to push himself too far, you know?”

Robbe nodded, taking in every word. Sander had been fighting it. All of this time, Sander was drowning too.

“It’s the same with something like this,” Noor twiddled her gloved fingers together. “He doesn’t want you in the house, so we have to listen. Fuck, I feel like a dick for even telling you about Britt, but I don’t want you to think we’re keeping you from him.”

Robbe looked away, his heart hurting. It all made sense. 

Noor grabbed his hand and squeezed. Robbe had nothing to say. Sander didn’t want to see him and Robbe had no choice but to respect that. So they sat there, staring at the empty jungle gym. It was unsettling. It was a liminal space. Robbe’s heart hurt, the missing coming on so strongly. He didn’t have the words to make the situation better. Sometimes missing is the only emotion in the world.

-

It was Sunday when Robbe broke.

Jens went home for the weekend, so Robbe had the dorm to himself. The fairy lights taunted him, reminding him of the white-haired boy who he missed more than he had missed anything in the world. Sander had failed his assignment because the lights did nothing to make Robbe feel any less unsettled in a time such as this.

He felt frustrated, plagued with lack of words and an inability to do a damn thing. He couldn’t even do school work, which was a first. He also couldn’t help but marvel at how different this was to the last time he and Sander had been separated. The obvious being that it was Sander pushing him away this time, but moreover, it was also because Robbe felt so, so different. The only emotion that was the same was the yearning. Other than that, he felt determined. The note that Sander had left him was crumbled on his desk because he refused to believe that Sander was toxic. God, he was the opposite of that. But Robbe supposed that he had felt something similar. Although, Robbe had never believed himself to be toxic, Robbe had just refused to believe that something such as this could be permanent, that Sander wouldn’t leave.

Yet Sander did, but for all the reasons that Robbe never believed a person could leave. He left for a selfless reason, a reason to protect Robbe. Which was, above all else, why Robbe couldn’t move on. He simply couldn’t.

His phone started ringing. **Mom.**

It was perfect timing, really, because Robbe suddenly realized how much he missed her as well.

“Hi mamma,” Robbe spoke into the phone, closing his eyes and sitting on his bed, his elbows on his knees. 

“Hi darling,” She sounded happy, Robbe couldn’t help but smile at that. “Before I say anything, I am so so sorry for my last text.”

“No, really, it’s fine,” He reassured her. “I talked to Uncle Mark. Really, don’t worry.”

She sighed in relief. “I just, I wasn’t in the right… headspace. I just wanted you to know.”

“Yes, I understand mom.”

“How are you?” She asked, her tone so light. 

Robbe suddenly couldn’t answer, his words completely caught in his throat. His breath hitched, and as usual, his mom knew right away.

“Are you okay, darling?”

Robbe wasn’t expecting the tears that started pooling in his eyes, and he briefly wondered what it was about the words ‘are you okay’ coming from a parent that were so triggering. He felt himself breaking, the tears so sudden down his cheeks, yet he still tried to stifle his sobs.

“Oh Robbe,” His mom heard. “It’s okay baby, let it out.”

So Robbe did. He cried until he couldn’t cry anymore, clutching the phone like it was a lifeline. His mom listened, occasionally reassuring him with words, and Robbe wiped at his face. He exhaled shakily, thinking about Sander. He thought about the first time he saw him outside the bar, and their first real conversation at the coffee shop. He thought about his kisses, his warm touch, his ability to make him feel so damn safe. He thought about how he had never understood his place in the world until Sander came along.

Robbe hadn’t realized he was speaking all of this outloud until his mom was replying.

“You’re in love, dear,” She whispered, a smile evident in her tone. “It’s a beautiful, beautiful thing.”

“But he’s gone,” Robbe broke. “I don’t know what to do.”

“He’s not gone, Robbe,” She sounded serious. “You have to tell him.”

“He won’t see me,” Robbe sounded defeated.

“Write to him,” She said immediately. “It’s like your secret power, my son. It’s where you’ve always turned when things got hard.”

Robbe was silent.

“Tell him everything you feel. Pour your heart out onto that paper. Then, at least, you’ve said all you can.”

-

Robbe sat at his desk, staring out at the sunset that he and Sander had chased only a few nights ago, and grabbed his pen.

And he did the only thing he knew how.

He wrote.

_**To Sander, my whole heart, my whole world:** _

__

__

_Every single day since the moment I met you I have had so much to say. There are not enough hours in the week for it, actually. Not enough days, not enough hours, not enough minutes. I could spend the rest of my life trying to put sentences together to explain how I feel for you but it will never be enough._

_I’ve always felt like a liminal space. Never moving forwards or backwards, stagnant, unsettled. I would walk the world at 3am searching for something to pull me forward but never finding it. I would scream into the void asking for it to make me feel something other than this sinking feeling that I have been plagued with for as long as I can remember. Love was my father leaving my mother. Love was a boy I couldn’t have, girls that I didn’t want, and an unpromised future. Love was shotgunning a six pack until I couldn’t see straight and a world around me that was just too. damn. loud._

_I’ve always liked the quiet. That’s why I found you at the fountain that day, because I know you do too._

_Because it’s something different now._

_Love is the colour of the sun shining through window blinds at 5am, of the world waking up when we don’t have to. It’s the smell of coffee beans on a morning after drinking and a cup with the name Robin on it. It’s chasing sunsets. It’s paint on the tip of your fingers and a pair of green eyes watching me while I write about them. It’s those green eyes that I associate with every good thing, every fond memory that makes my heart race and my brain quiet because you make everything quiet._

_It’s you, Sander._

_I love you._

_And I know we’re both a little bit broken. I know I’ve struggled with believing that this is real, that there is even a fraction of your brain that feels this feeling that has overpowered me. I know you have as well. And maybe that’s what makes it so beautiful, you know? It’s something so strong, so unlike anything else that neither of our doubtful minds want to believe that it’s real for fear that we’ll be thrown back into the loud world. But it is, Sander. It’s real. I will spend the rest of my life reminding you if I have to. I will remind you every day. We can search high and low for liminal spaces that make us feel unsettled because with you I am the opposite of that. I am home. I am where I am meant to be._

_Home is you. It’s not a physical space, it’s a person. And home could never be toxic._

_It’s never going to feel real, Sander, because it surpasses that. This feeling we have is the most special thing in all the galaxies. It’s why you draw, and paint, and make art and it’s why I write, and think too much and spend hours forming sentences to describe why I sleep better knowing you’re next to me. It’s the entire point of why we’re here. To love and to be loved._

_And I love you._

_It’s the thing I am most certain about._

_I will be there at 3am. You know where._

**_Robin x_**

-

At 3am everything is unsettling.

Robbe was bundled in one of Sander’s black hoodies with his brown jacket over top, and he was standing beside the empty fountain. The snow inside of it was almost melted, filling it with water, the earth coming full circle. 

Robbe had his hands stuffed in his pockets as he walked in circles slowly, unable to stand still. He had given the letter to Noor and she had promised she would give it to Sander. Now all he could do was wait. In the words of his mom, he had said all he could. 

He thought about the first time he found Sander at the fountain, how they had barely spoke more than a few words and let the silence of the night do the communicating. He thought about Sander’s tired eyes that night, how he knew they were both feeling similar elephants on their chests. Then there was the time Robbe yelled at him to go be with Britt, then the time he almost died, and now here he was again.

Robbe stopped dead in his tracks when he saw a figure standing there in the distance. He knew it was Sander immediately. His soul knew before he did.

Robbe slowly approached. Sander just stood there. He was wearing grey sweatpants with his black doc martens, one of Robbe’s maroon hoodies that he had left there, his leather jacket over top. His hands were in his pockets, his shoulders slumped, his eyes heavy and sad. Above all else, he looked scared. He was barely visible in the shadows, standing between one street light and the next, his white hair standing out against it.

Robbe’s poem flashed in his mind. _Please pull me from the dark._

Robbe wasn’t sure who was pulling who from the dark.

Robbe slowly approached him, waiting for Sander to show any sign of resentment. But he didn’t. He stood there, frozen against the night. There was no one else. Everything around them disappeared. 

Robbe could reach out and touch Sander now if he wanted to, but he stopped where he was. Sander was looking behind Robbe, refusing eye contact.

Robbe spoke first, softly, a whisper. “Hey, why aren’t you looking at me?”

Sander’s cheek twitched. He closed his eyes. Robbe studied the tiny scar beside his right eye, his deep, almost-purple under eye bags, his fluffy hair, his pained expression. He had the look of someone who wanted to say something so badly it was physically killing him. And with a shaky inhale, he did.

“Because I love you.”

It almost knocked Robbe over, those words. It was a sentence that held the key to everything. The words hung in the air, dancing around them like stardust.

He was looking at Sander with a doe-eyed expression, trying to transmit an energy that said _it’s okay, don’t be scared._

“And I love you,” Robbe replied confidently. He briefly wondered if he had ever spoken more true words. 

“And I’m scared,” Sander’s eyes were still closed, Robbe wanted to reach out and hold him so badly, but patience was important. “I’m scared of all of this going away.”

“I was the same, Sander,” Robbe spoke softly. 

“I know.”

“I’m not leaving you,” Robbe felt his own eyes tearing up as he spoke confidently. “Sander? Hey. I’m not.”

Sander finally opened his eyes. They were teary as well. Sander’s eyebrows were etched together. Robbe wanted to take all of his pain away as he felt a tear run down his cheek. Sander followed the tear, concentrating hard. It was as if the tear gave him some kind of push as his eyes wandered back up to Robbe’s, cheeks relaxing.

And then he said something that Robbe knew took so much courage, a promise so strong that it was irrevocably unbreakable. “I’m not leaving you either.”

Robbe shakily exhaled the breath he was holding, the relief so evident in his bones that he couldn’t wait another second before closing the distance between them. He wrapped his arms around Sander’s neck, pulling him close. Sander froze for a moment, seemingly unable to move, before Robbe felt him sob.

“I got you,” Robbe said into his ear, holding the back of his head. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

Sander nodded against his neck as Robbe felt tears soak into his skin. Sander was letting himself go completely. In the hotel room he held something back. And now? Now he was a faucet that hadn’t been released in a very long time. He was giving his weight to Robbe to hold, and Robbe held him as they both sank to their knees, the ground cold beneath them. Sander cried into Robbe’s chest, and Robbe cried as he kissed Sander’s forehead. Sander was sobbing out of pain but also out of utter relief.

The moon watched over them, covering them protectively. Robbe felt like he was holding his whole world in his arms.

“We’re going to save each other this time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof. hi.
> 
> so the plot is pretty much at an end. the next chapter will be the last, tying it all together in an epilogue type style. i mean, i suppose there will be some plot??? kinda??? ish???? but it WILL be the end
> 
> thank you all for reading, your lovely messages motivate me to no end <3
> 
> PLAYLIST: falling by harry styles, lost my mind by finneas, the night we met by lord huron, i found by amber run, for you by seinabo sey, strawberries & cigarettes by troye sivan, ease my mind by ben platt <\---- this one. omg.
> 
> tumblrs:  
> writing blog: dearsander  
> main blog: dearrobbe


	7. lover, where do you live?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the end.

Time stilled after that.

The moon watched as, for the second time that semester, Senne came to pick Robbe and Sander up from the fountain. This time with a defeated looking Sander and a determined looking Robbe.

And Robbe learned what one of Sander’s depressive episodes truly looked like.

It was mostly sleeping. But it was also him eating like a bird, a severe lack of words, and a need for the lights to be off at all times.

Robbe hadn’t been back to the dorm since the recent night at the fountain. He left Sander’s house to go to class and returned after class. He learned that Sander’s professors were well aware of his illness and were all very informed when an episode hit. Noor always did her best to take clear notes in the classes she shared with him, but she only gave him his copies after he started coming out of it. 

Robbe had been leaving notes on his side of the bed every morning that he left for class. He wrote things like _“remember I have a late class tonight, see you at 7”_ or _“just take it minute by minute”_ or _“I love you, can’t wait to see you later”._

__

__

He also learned that Sander needed him the most during these days. He needed to know that Robbe was coming back, that he wasn’t leaving him, and all that mattered was Robbe’s presence. Words weren’t always needed.

Robbe was doing most of his assignments either beside Sander while he slept or at Sander’s desk. Every time he ate, he left a plate for Sander whether he ate it or not. And he hadn’t yet, but Senne informed him that he was in and out of the kitchen while Robbe was in class, taking small things like a couple of crackers or a piece of toast.

Robbe didn’t have class on Wednesday, so he “slept” in until noon with Sander. Or, he woke up much earlier than that, but he stayed in bed listening to the sound of Sander’s breathing and cuddling up to his back, placing small kisses on the back of his neck. 

Throughout the day he got his assignments done, he called his mom, he texted Jens that Sander still needed him. 

It was midnight and Robbe was closing his laptop quietly and stretching his limbs. He swiveled around in the rolling chair to see Sander sleeping with the duvet up to his neck and his face luminated by the moonlight. Robbe wanted to get in bed with him but his stomach growling was becoming too much.

He wandered into the hallway and quietly shut the door behind him, yawning as he made his way to the kitchen.

He was met with Senne and Milan, Senne sitting on the kitchen counter and Milan at the tiny table in the corner. They smiled as he entered.

“Does no one sleep in this house?” Milan shook his head as he sipped his tea.

Robbe shrugged, opening the fridge and squinting when the fridge light hit his eyes. “I’m starving.”

“Zoe made muffins when she was here,” Senne gestured to the plate beside him. “They’re actually stunning.”

Milan chuckled, giving him a teasing look as Robbe grabbed a muffin and leaned against the counter. “Stunning? Ooh, someone’s in love.”

Senne didn’t deny it, he just shrugged.

Milan’s eyes found Robbe as he chewed his muffin. “So, all is good?”

Robbe nodded. “I think I’m caught up in all of my classes, somehow.”

Senne decided to have a muffin as well, peeling the bottom off. “Must be nice. I’m nowhere close.”

“That’s because you’re distracted,” Milan shook his head. “Look at Robbe. If there’s anyone who I wouldn’t blame for being behind, it’s him.”

Robbe frowned. “If I could do Sander’s assignments I would.”

Senne surprised him by snorting. “Good luck. Can you draw?”

Robbe couldn’t help but laugh. “Touche.”

Milan suddenly looked serious, setting his tea down on the table and tracing the side with his finger. “And how is he?”

Robbe smiled. “He’s alright.”

Milan nodded, smiling back. “He loves you so much.”

Robbe felt his face go red as the words caused a funny feeling to wash all over him. He looked down as Senne clapped him on the back. “He does.”

Robbe fiddled with the string on his hoodie, wanting to ask questions but also knowing that they were questions for Sander. He was waiting patiently for him to feel a little better before they sat down and had a serious chat. For now, however, it was hard to hold back from asking his roommates, who had known Sander much longer than him.

So he started simple. “I just want to do right by him.” He said quietly.

Senne was nodding beside him. “I meant it when I said you are a good guy.”

“But is that enough for him? What does he need?”

“He just needs you, Robbe,” Milan was leaning his chin on his hand. “Really. You just have to be there for him.”

Senne nodded from beside him. “Britt complicated things.”

Robbe looked back and forth between them. “You guys really don’t like her, huh?”

Milan chuckled darkly, his eyes looking down at his tea. “They weren’t right for each other. She wasn’t good to him.”

Senne had that look on his face again, the one where he looked like he didn’t know whether to speak or not. “It’s- it’s hard because this is all Sander’s to tell but- but I still don’t think he understands that he didn’t deserve Britt’s treatment.”

Milan looked sad as he nodded. “He thought that was the kind of love he deserved, the only kind he could have because he’s bipolar.”

“You love him, don’t you?” Senne asked Robbe with serious eyes.

Robbe didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

“Then that’s enough.”

-

Sander was sitting up and rubbing his face when Robbe wandered back into his bedroom. Sander’s face immediately softened at the sight of Robbe, relief evident in his eyes.

Robbe playfully wrapped his arms around Sander and pulled them back so they were laying on the pillows and facing each other. Sander kept the eye contact, his eyes heavy but looking a little more awake.

“I thought you-” Sander finally broke the eye contact to look to the side of Robbe’s head. “Never mind.”

Robbe poked him in the nose. “Thought I what?”

Sander kept looking away. “Left.”

Robbe traced Sander’s jaw with his thumb. “I was eating a muffin.”

Sander finally looked back into Robbe’s eyes, still hesitant. “A muffin?”

“Zoe’s muffins. They’re, as Senne said, ‘stunning’.” 

“What kind?”

“Chocolate chip,” Robbe answered, smiling. “You want one?”

Sander shook his head. “Not right now.”

“Okay.”

They spent the next half hour having mindless conversation. Sander was finally talkative, asking Robbe about his classes, about his mom, about the weather outside. Robbe gave him every update with a casual expression, playing with Sander’s hair between his fingers. He ran a hand through it, taking notice of the grease starting to spread from a lack of shampoo. 

Sander became aware of that, an embarrassed expression forming on his face.

“I can’t find the energy,” Sander whispered, studying Robbe’s face. “To- you know.”

“I know,” Robbe encouraged, entwining their legs together and running his fingers up and down Sander’s bare arm. “Let me know if you want my help.”

Sander’s eyes roamed around the room, as if he was debating it.

“I have an idea,” Robbe felt the smile spreading over his face. “I’m going to make us tea, grab a few of Noor’s candles, and we’ll have a bath.”

Sander raised an eyebrow. “And the temperature?”

“Scolding.”

Sander smiled for the first time in days, as if he couldn’t help it as he recalled their last bath in the hotel room. After a moment, he nodded.

Robbe, relieved by the smile and the thought of Sander feeling better, kissed him and got out of bed.

He made the tea while the water was running in the bathtub, adding a decent amount of sugar to both of them because he felt they deserved it. When he came back to the bathroom, he set the tea on the side and lit the candles, placing two on the side of the bath and three along the counter by the sink. He then dimmed the lights and shut off the taps because the bubbles were practically overflowing onto the sides. 

He then wandered back into the bedroom to find Sander already sitting up and stretching. He grabbed his hand and led him back into the bathroom, to which Sander shook his head.

“I’m supposed to be the romantic one,” Sander said as Robbe helped him take his shirt off. 

“It’s my turn,” Robbe said as he took his own shirt off. “You can resume tomorrow.”

They got into the bathtub and sat facing each other. Sander was still very still, his movements slow, his eyes half open. Robbe shuffled closer to him in the small tub, positioning his legs around Sander’s crossed ones and placing a kiss on Sander’s shoulder. Sander closed his eyes and leaned his forehead on Robbe’s shoulder, exhaling shakily.

Robbe placed kisses along his hair and wrapped his arms around his back, letting him have his moment. 

“Can you-” Sander said brokenly, his breath hitching. “I can’t-”

“Wash your hair?” Robbe asked, pulling Sander back to look at him. “You know I’m a pro.” He thought back to when he conditioned Sander’s newly dyed hair.

Sander’s eyes were glassy and it broke Robbe’s heart. Sander shouldn’t feel any kind of upset at asking Robbe for help, yet he did. Robbe didn’t care if he would have to spend the rest of his life teaching Sander that he can ask for things, that his needs are valid. He would.

Sander sniffed, so Robbe kissed his cheeks where small tears were falling down. 

“When I start to come out of it,” Sander explained, playing with Robbe’s fingers in his hand. “Everything just starts to feel really heavy.”

“I understand.”

“Like, I spend days in bed feeling almost nothing, I just can’t do anything, and then-” Sander hesitated. “And then it just hits me.”

“That’s okay,” Robbe looked at him with a small smile. “That’s okay. I’m going to wash your hair, and you’re going to feel it all, and then we’re going to drink our tea and take it bit by bit. Okay?”

Sander was looking at him like he was the most important person in the world. Which, he did often. It was one of the things Robbe first noticed about him that day at the coffee shop, and even the night before when Robbe was drunk. Sander always made Robbe feel important, and listened to, and vital. Robbe only hoped to return the expression as he stared at Sander with a look that said _whatever you need, I got you._

So Sander nodded.

Robbe used the cup that he had placed on the edge of the tub to pour water slowly onto Sander’s hair. He then rubbed shampoo into his head as Sander closed his eyes. Robbe remembered how much Sander enjoyed the last head massage he gave him when they dyed his hair, so he worked his fingers into his scalp. Sander’s eyebrows etched together and he let out a groan. Robbe smiled with pride at his work, continuing this for ten minutes.

Eventually he used the cup again to rinse the shampoo out, and Sander opened his eyes to watch Robbe the entire time he did this. He was studying every corner of Robbe’s face, every wrinkle and freckle. 

When he was done, Robbe handed Sander his mug and picked up his own, taking a sip. Sander looked down at the drink, looking like he was debating it or not, until finally he took a sip as well.

They sat in comfortable silence. Sander was looking more relaxed, but he was also looking deep in thought. Robbe waited, noticing that when Sander was down it took him longer to get the words out. 

When he spoke, his voice was very low and weak. But he looked like he was making a point to look right into Robbe’s eyes even if he wanted to look away. Robbe made sure to hold the contact.

“I was diagnosed during my first year of college. My dad left when I was really young, so I lived with my mom most of my life.”

Robbe nodded encouragingly, squeezing Sander’s knee.

“I was really good at hiding it, at home. But something happened when I got to college. I roomed with Senne my first year and he helped me to go to a doctor when the depressive episodes got really bad. I don’t know, my therapist said that it could have been all of the changes with moving away from home that made it get worse. Anyway, my mom was relieved actually, when she found out. Because- well, because there’s medication and…. And I think she was just worried about me a lot.”

Sander paused to take a sip of his tea, clearing his throat.

“It took me a while to find a medication that worked, but, I have a cocktail of pills now that helps keep me pretty balanced,” He gestured towards the door of the bathroom with his head. “They helped a lot, Senne and them. Especially when we moved in second year. They’re just- they’re always looking out for me, even when I can’t always see it.

“They helped me to see that Britt wasn’t- the way she was wasn’t… okay. I don’t know, I didn’t understand for awhile. Because I know, you know, I know that I’m not exactly easy to be with.”

Robbe waited until he went quiet to speak. “That’s not true, Sander. That last part.”

“That’s what Senne said.”

“I know it’s hard to believe, because she made you feel that way for so long,” Robbe whispered, his voice soft. “But when I wasn’t sleeping, and I went through that tough time, did you want to leave me?”

Sander’s eyes widened as his eyebrows etched together. “Of course not.”

“Was I a burden?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you.”

Robbe smiled, squeezing his knee again. “And because I love you, I would never leave you, or look at you like a burden, simply because your brain is doing this to you.”

Sander went quiet, his eyes filling with tears again. Robbe just stroked his thumb over Sander’s knee, waiting as that sentence washed over Sander’s body. His shoulders relaxed.

“I don’t want you to think I don’t trust you,” Sander watched Robbe’s thumb on his knee carefully. “When I’m like this.”

“Why would I think that?” Robbe asked gently.

“Because I- I tend to need more reassurance than usual.”

“I have a lot of that,” Robbe replied. “Reassurance.”

“You’re not leaving me?” Sander asked, eyes looking back at Robbe. 

“Never.”

“Even if I get like this often?”

“Even if this happens often.”

“Who are you and where did you come from?” Sander asked, the beginnings of a smile forming on his face.

“Antwerp in Belgium.”

The corners of Sander’s lips were tilted up now as he leaned forward and kissed Robbe. Robbe kissed back, holding the sides of Sander’s head in his hands. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too.

-

Friday night they found themselves cuddling on the couch for a change of scenery. Sander was doing better but he was still quite tired, and Robbe learned that the tiredness lasted the longest out of all of his symptoms. 

Sander was laying with his head in Robbe’s lap and Robbe was gently running his fingers through his hair. Sander was turned on his side, bundled in Robbe’s maroon hoodie and Robbe in Sander’s black one. 

The TV was off in front of them since no one wanted to pay for cable. Sander had his laptop open on the coffee table and they had reruns of Friends playing. Sander mentioned that he liked watching things that were very light when he was coming out of a depressive episode.

It was around 8pm when they were bombarded. 

Milan was in the kitchen rustling around rather loudly. Robbe could hear popping sounds coming from the microwave and the smell of popcorn started to fill the house. Robbe’s hand stilled in Sander’s hair.

Soon after Noor was joining him in the kitchen, followed by the front door swinging open to reveal Zoe and Senne holding shopping bags. 

Milan was calling from the kitchen. “About time!”

Robbe definitely felt like he was missing out on something. Sander reached forward to pause the laptop and turned on his back, stretching. He looked up at Robbe, a smirk on his face as he turned again to bury his face in Robbe’s lap. 

“What’s happening?” Robbe stage whispered.

Sander peaked out of Robbe’s lap to playfully roll his eyes. “They do this whenever I’ve been a little down. They call it a regular movie night, but I picked up on the pattern.”

Robbe felt a warmth for their friends. He liked knowing that Sander had them in the past.

Noor was entering the living room holding a white chord in her hand, looking ecstatic.

“Look at this,” She said, walking over to the TV and inspecting the back of it. “We can connect the laptop to the TV!”

Sander turned his head to look at her. “You finally got one?”

Noor shook her head. “Senne did. And Zoe dragged him grocery shopping, thank God.”

“Do you need any help?” Robbe asked, hearing Sander groan at the prospect of Robbe getting up. Robbe leaned down to kiss his head.

Noor smiled as she finished connecting the laptop and walked back towards the kitchen. “No, you’re needed elsewhere.”

“Yes he is,” Sander muttered, a sleepy smile on his face. 

“Okay!” Milan charged into the room with two big bowls of popcorn. “If this isn’t enough popcorn, I’m not getting up again. Called it.”

Robbe eyed him. “There’s six of us.”

“And two bowls,” Milan crossed his arms. “Big ones, Robbe.”

Robbe raised his hands in acceptance. “Okay, okay.”

Senne followed shortly after with two more bowls, smirking. “I brought more. I’m not getting up halfway through the movie.”

Zoe followed behind him wearing a comfy big white sweater and leggings, her hair tied back in a short ponytail. She was carrying a stack of folded blankets and sitting beside Robbe, handing him one. “There you go.”

Sander decided to sit up, taking the blanket and throwing it over the two of them. Robbe helped him as Noor sat down beside him, looking very focused on her phone. Sander eyed her as he sat back, resting a hand on Robbe’s thigh underneath the blanket.

Sander peaked over her shoulder. “Who’s Lola?”

Noor playfully shoved his shoulder as she turned so that he couldn’t see the screen. “No one. Nosy.”

Sander raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

Noor shrugged and turned her phone off, shoving it in the back pocket of her jeans. 

Robbe joined in, stretching his neck to look at her over Sander. “Long brown hair?” He had talked to a Lola once or twice at the skatepark. It was a long shot.

Until-

“Yes?” Noor asked, looking at him confused. “Wait-”

“Does she skate?” Robbe asked, a grin sweeping over his face.

“Yes…” Noor’s face was going red.

Milan was charging back into the room in his pajama pants, looking flustered that he was missing the gossip. “Who’s Lola?”

Noor was covering her face with her hands. 

“Noor’s new girlfriend,” Sander answered, laughing at Milan’s face.

“No way-”

“She’s not my-” Noor started from behind her hands. “I mean- maybe-”

Senne appeared again as well, flopping down beside Zoe and pulling a blanket over them. “Anymore girlfriends and this place is going to be too full.”

“As if it isn’t already?” Milan replied as he sat down on the other side of Noor. 

“Someone has to get up to put the movie on,” Noor changed the subject. “And it’s not going to be me.”

Eventually Senne was the unlucky member to get up. It took them twenty minutes to decide on a movie, and Robbe decided to lay his head in Sander’s lap and it was Sander’s turn to play with his hair. Robbe smiled happily into his thigh, feeling wonderfully content.

His eyes felt sleepy as he zoned in and out of the movie, Sander’s other hand crawling up under Robbe’s hoodie to trace lines up and down the skin on his back. He felt goosebumps and a strange feeling of deja vu, as if he had been here before. He remembered reading that deja vu meant that you were on the right track in life, that everything was going the way it should, that you were doing something right.

Robbe pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind, because he didn’t need deja vu to tell him that. 

He knew he was exactly where he was meant to be.

-

Sander returned to classes the following week, also taking a couple of shifts at the coffee shop as well. 

And Robbe was doing something he wished he had done a long time ago. He was leaving the nurse’s office on campus with a slip in his hand that had the number of a therapist.

He figured it was time he talked to someone to help him sort out his thoughts. Even though he was doing better, he knew that he needed help, and he figured he should treat himself how he treats the people he loves. He told his mom to see a therapist. Sander saw a therapist. There was no reason he shouldn’t treat himself with the same level of love and care. We tend to forget that we deserve the love we so easily give out. 

It was trickier some days.

As Robbe walked to the skatepark to meet Sander and his friends, he couldn’t help but feel proud of himself.

Sander was waiting for him, his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket and looking like the confident person that Robbe had met all of those weeks ago. Robbe felt honoured to be the one he shared all parts of himself with, honoured to be the one that held him at the end of the day.

Robbe immediately wrapped his arms around Sander’s neck and kissed him, and Sander smirked and lifted him off his feet, swinging him in a circle. Robbe laughed when Sander set him down and continued kissing him, the elated feeling strong as the world disappeared around them.

“I think your friends are waiting,” Sander muttered against Robbe’s lips. 

Sure enough, Jens, Moyo and Aaron were approaching from behind them.

Robbe and Sander joined them, and they quickly fell into a comfortable rhythm. Robbe was astounded at how easy it was, all of this. Sander fit into all aspects of his life, and Robbe remembered a time he was younger, and shorter, and he would hang out with his high school friends and wonder where in the world he fit in. He wished he could tell little Robbe that it would all be okay.

But he supposed that’s the way life works. You never know what’s waiting for you, which is why it’s so important to live every minute like it is the only minute, like it is truly the only seconds that matter. 

Robbe, Sander and Jens sat on the grass to the side as the others got up to skate around. Robbe held Sander’s hand in his and squeezed as they watched. Jens nudged Robbe’s shoulder playfully.

“You look different,” Jens said, tying his shoe.

Robbe shrugged. “I’ve been gone from the dorm for, like, a week.”

Jens chuckled. “Nah, bro, something has changed.”

Sander fell back so he was laying on the grass, staring at the sky. Robbe recognized that as giving Robbe and Jens some privacy even though he could still hear every word.

Jens just smirked as he sat up, looking like he was about to stand. 

“Happiness looks good on you.” 

And with that, he winked and went to join the others.

Robbe stared after him, realizing that was his new favourite compliment. Happiness.

He looked down at Sander who was smiling. 

Robbe smiled back.

-

Robbe was sitting at his desk again. 

He had one last letter to write for awhile.

_**To Dad:** _

_Life isn’t fair._

_It’s odd, isn’t it, to imagine that we are all born with different intricacies. Every single one of us has things that make us who we are. And what makes a person a person? Is it what they study in school, or the way they treat people? Is it how much money they make or how loved they are on a wide scale? I might be enjoying my philosophy class a little too much, but these are questions that have been running through my head lately._

_I’ve been thinking about how Einstein was born with a big brain, and how others were born with smaller ones. How Hitler used his to spread hatred and Milala to spread love. How all of those people were born with different intricacies. No two people are the same._

_I’ve been thinking about how, in the end, it all comes down to love._

_Because life isn’t fair. It’s not fair that some die too soon while others live until 100. It’s not fair that some are born with thoughts that imprison them to bed for a week straight. It’s not fair that some feel unloveable when they are the opposite of that._

_And it’s not fair that some people do not understand that sometimes, all a person needs is for someone to love them._

_I fell in love, Dad. His name is Sander._

_I’m sorry I could never forgive you for leaving mom. I’m sorry our relationship has been strained since that day but I could not bring myself to understand why. Because if you loved her, you wouldn’t have left. If you loved her, no road would have been too treacherous to go across._

_But I see it now. I see that what you two had wasn’t love. If it was, you never would have looked her in the face, someone who needed a person to love them, and leave._

_I’m sorry you couldn’t love her dad, I wish you could have._

_I think I was angry before, because I couldn’t understand why. It angered me that the ones we love leave us, that love hurts as much as it does. But that’s not it, is it? That’s not love, not the good kind anyway. The good kind is sticking with someone through thick and thin, through loving every single side of them. Love is understanding that with all of a person’s good parts comes a person's demons, and you take it on. You take it on because **that’s love.**_

_I can only hope that you find that kind of love, Dad. The kind that won’t make you leave when it gets hard._

_The kind that won’t even make you hesitate._

_**Love, Robbe** _

-

The sun was setting.

The air was getting warmer. It smelled like spring, like flowers beginning to bloom and that feeling that everything is starting anew. It was fitting, Robbe thought, as he slipped the letter into the mailbox and took a second to stare at what he couldn’t take back. Some birds were chirping on a tree near him, the low rumble of a car coming from behind him, and everything felt… new. 

Sander was waiting in the car with the engine still turned on. It was Senne’s car, but he let them borrow it to go to Antwerp for the week to see Robbe’s mom. 

And everything felt new.

Robbe had spent so much time being fearful of going back home, or of leaving home, or of wondering where home is. The world didn’t make sense because he didn’t know his place. Everything was hard. Leaving his mom was hard. College was hard. His relationship with his father was hard. And he had never thought a person could have the power to change all of that, the power to come into his life and flip it upside down. The power to teach him everything he needed to move forth. That all of his thoughts were only a letter away, that writing would always truly be there for him. That love really is the entire point. That everything is easier once you make the decision to work on it. That it’s not about worrying that the people we love will leave, but rather, knowing that the people who love _you_ won’t leave. And they won’t. Because those are the people that matter.

Above all else, Sander taught him to trust the universe, that it’s on his side, that the things that matter most have a way of finding you in the end.

And Sander had found him. And he had found Sander.

And as he got into the car, and Sander asked him, “You alright?”, Robbe answered, “I am”, and he meant it.

And as Sander hit the gas to move in the direction of the place Robbe had ran from, to chase the sunset, to blast Bowie and laugh and roll the windows all the way down, Robbe envisioned his life with the blonde beside him in it. He imagined a world where happiness looked good on him, a world where he sometimes didn’t sleep and Sander didn’t get out of bed and everything just felt too damn heavy. And he was okay with that world. Because in that world, they would take it on together. 

They would chase the highs.

They would battle the lows.

Sander was looking at him now, his hair blowing in the wind. Robbe squeezed his hand that was on his thigh. They both looked ahead.

It felt like they were taking a step through a threshold, like they were finally through the archway. 

And Robbe no longer felt like a liminal space.

He was home.

**end.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for coming along for the ride. 
> 
> i will never be able to express how much your kind words mean to me. thank you for reading while i explored a story that i wanted to tell, while i experimented with some things that mean a lot to me. thank you thank you thank you.
> 
> i hope you enjoyed, and i hope you liked the ending.
> 
> i love you all sm <333
> 
> -
> 
> PLAYLIST: falling by harry styles, lost my mind by finneas, the night we met by lord huron, i found by amber run, for you by seinabo sey, strawberries & cigarettes by troye sivan, ease my mind by ben platt, lover, where do you live? by highasakite
> 
> tumblrs:  
> writing blog: dearsander  
> main blog: dearrobbe


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